Anonymous wrote:MIL here: I found the best practice I came up with was to never offer advice to my adult children or their partners unless someone specifically asked me what I thought or what they should do, etc. That includes every topic from jobs, homes, kids, their relationship, vacations, Sunday dinner, etc.

DIL here. You sound amazing. I don’t even talk to my MIL because every sentence starts w unsolicited advice. About ANYTHING.

MIL told me, when I was struggling with a colicky newborn, what a good mom I am. It means the world to me, even all these years later (baby is now a teen). I really needed to hear those words at a vulnerable and scary time in my life.

Anonymous wrote:Clear communication. Don't assume any intention.

Help them with childcare etc.

When your own kid is doing something wrong, counsel them.

Include their relations - mom, dad etc - in celebrations.

Help them go on date nights.

Help in getting their domestic chores done. ie - pay for a house cleaner or a lawn maintainence guy after taking the input from them.

Don't gossip about them.

Have your own life.

I would never expect my in laws to pay for my house cleaner or lawn maintenance?! I think offering to pay for a house cleaner after an extended visit or as a holiday present would be nice, though. Certainly unnecessary however.

Provide free childcare.

Mil here also and we treat our sil like we would if we had a son. He is included in all outings, gifted equally, we help him out when we know he needs it even though he doesn't directly ask and last we learned his strengths and weaknesses with his bad and good qualities and try to get our daughter to see him for who he is.

Spend money on them, adult children and their spouses are much nicer that way.

Depends highly on the culture but I always liked that my MIL treated me like a new friend when we first met; polite and interested in getting to know me, not overbearing, respected boundaries and the fact that her son had a nuclear family. She was warm and kind but didn’t expect that we would immediately have a mother daughter bond or speak to me as if I was her child and provide constructive criticism, unsolicited advice etc.

I view her now as a close friend and I like that relationship dynamic. When we meet up for coffee or she comes over for dinner we talk about life, hobbies, and work. We aren’t in a competition for who is a better wife or mother or who did things “right”. We have lived very different lives but I have the utmost respect for her. I think there needs to be that mutual respect and a desire to really know and care about the other person for the relationship to thrive.

Anonymous wrote:MIL here: I found the best practice I came up with was to never offer advice to my adult children or their partners unless someone specifically asked me what I thought or what they should do, etc. That includes every topic from jobs, homes, kids, their relationship, vacations, Sunday dinner, etc.

A DIL here. My MIL does the above, and I love and respect her dearly (and in fact do seem her advice from time to time).

MIL here: I found the best practice I came up with was to never offer advice to my adult children or their partners unless someone specifically asked me what I thought or what they should do, etc. That includes every topic from jobs, homes, kids, their relationship, vacations, Sunday dinner, etc.

To be fair, no one does those things and no one has control over adult children, let alone their spouses.

Don't expect them to be visiting, having regular dinners, attending whatever you think they should, while offereing no help in return. Make no assumptions about vacations, trips, celebrations. Your kid has his own life. You need to have your own life. Be nice and don't every tell your DIL how to clearn or decorate her house. Or how to have "better manners."

Clear communication. Don't assume any intention.

Help them with childcare etc.

When your own kid is doing something wrong, counsel them.

Include their relations - mom, dad etc - in celebrations.

Help them go on date nights.

Help in getting their domestic chores done. ie - pay for a house cleaner or a lawn maintainence guy after taking the input from them.

Don't gossip about them.

Have your own life.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t meddle in their lives.

^^ Make sure that your kids don't marry such people.

Don’t meddle in their lives.

Your top tip for having good relations with daughter-in-law & son-in-law?