I’m sorry things didn’t work out as you had hoped. These things are so hard. Just for a little perspective, a lot of people don’t get the age gap that they want for all kinds of reasons, including people who aren’t using IVF. I wish we could all have the kids we wanted at the times we wanted to have them, but for many of us, that’s not life. I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

My first two kids are 5 years apart, by choice. They are closely bonded and we were able to give them individual attention.
And now I'm accidentally pregnant 12 years after the birth of my second.

Believe me, OP. The age gap is NOT what's bothering me. Age gap is nothing. Health, finances, being in a good place to parent - those are all way more important. In your case, an additional factor is that this would be your friend's biological child. This friend will find it hard to resist being present and perhaps having a say in your child's life. And maybe they'd have a moral right to it? Are you ready for that?

I find your obsession with age gap completely ridiculous and kind of arrogant. However, that said, if this is so important to you, for whatever ridiculous reason, then, obviously, don't have another child. Your only acceptable age gap is not happening and will never happen. So - how to move on? Tell yourself, I can't have the age gap I want and this is like the most important thing to me ever. Because of this, I have to let this less important (having another child) thing go.

I hear you mourning the kid who didn't come on time more than wanting a 2nd chance with these embryos.

OP here. I totally understand the "friend's child" concerns. But for us, if we were to do donor, that would be how we would want to do it. That family is across the country and not someone we would ever see again unless we made a specific effort. But still would have the connection for the future child, plus the enormous benefit of a totally known and open genetic and health history.

And I absolutely respect other peoples' preferences regarding the age gap. It's just not for us, though I also believe firmly that you don't need a sibling to have a happy or "normal" childhood. We'd have a second child because we the parents still want one after all of these years, not because our kid wants one or because we feel like any sibling is better than no sibling. This is all hard stuff and I sort of wish I fell in the "keep trying forever" camp, so I could just move forward and stop vacillating.

I had a similar age gap and thought it was ideal. If I hadn’t waited so long to try to have kids, it would have been my first choice. But you can’t control the relationships your child has. And regardless the whims of a capricious 6-year old are no reason to bring a human being into the world.

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not, I would not have a friends child.

This. So awkward.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not, I would not have a friends child.

🙄

Do you think of adoption as “raising a stranger’s child”? It would be OP’s child, from her friend’s genetics.

But it's not a stranger. If you think there would be no consequences of something like this...like I said, no way.

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not, I would not have a friends child.

🙄

Do you think of adoption as “raising a stranger’s child”? It would be OP’s child, from her friend’s genetics.

Absolutely not, I would not have a friends child.

* hoping they develop a close relationship as adults. No idea what happened there, sorry.

Anonymous wrote:Do you want another baby or not?

The age gap is not a reason to walk away from another baby IMO.

I want a toddler-preschooler. I want to have had a baby 2+ years ago and don’t want to start over at this point. And I don’t want to be pulled in different directions with kids at very different developmental stages while hoping they get as adults. That’s what I had as a child and it’s not what I want for my family. So I guess the answer is no, but also I just don’t know.

Do you want another baby or not?

The age gap is not a reason to walk away from another baby IMO.

Therapy

We’ve been done with IVF for a few years and have moved on to being one and done, not by choice. But I have a friend with leftover embryos that could be mine if I wanted them. And that possibility nags at me and I just can’t seem to let it go. DC is 6 now and I NEVER wanted such a big age gap (I had one with my sibling and did not want it for my own family). DH is fully moved on and so am I…intellectually at least. But then DC asks why cousin Larla gets a new baby sister, and how DC wants one too. And darn it, there that nagging feeling is again. How do I let it go? Will I ever be able to let it go? I’m so tired of feeling this way and just want out of this emotional loop.