Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm married to and in love with a fat guy with health issues...some are the result of being a fat guy, and some are resulting in him being a fat guy. It's not one easy linear issue. He knows. Believe me, he knows. Here's what I'm doing my best to do about it.

I am reminding myself that fat and food shaming him out of frustration and fear will not help. It will hurt.

I am reminding myself that he IS working on it. And he may not "win." It is not a thing to win at. He is doing the best he can to address his health issues.

I am reminding myself that I had damn well better enjoy the present and stay in it instead of dreading what the future brings.

I am talking to MY therapist about the feelings that go with all this. I can't expect my spouse to hold that water. And I am navigating with HER my feelings about possibly siding into more of a caregiving role.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of bringing up his weight that way, I would say you truly love him and support him no matter what he looks like. Build up his self esteem and he’ll be more likely to take care of his health.

I have gained weight in the past because of unhealthy choices and I’m so glad my husband never said anything to me about it. Even though I know that I wasn’t objectively as attractive , I never felt less desirable because of the extra pounds. So I could just work on my self-confidence and health without fighting against the shame that comes from hearing that your partner wants you to lose weight. He did say he wanted me to be healthy but I know that’s because he cares about me and doesn’t want me to die early. He never said anything about the number on the scale. And didn’t tell me not to eat donuts, he made me green smoothies and watched the kids while I went to the gym.

I lead a much healthier lifestyle now (I started going to therapy, I quit drinking, and I use exercise to manage anxiety instead of food and alcohol). So I’m thin again. But it feels great to know if I did gain weight again, it wouldn’t impact my relationship. I feel very secure knowing he is there for me no matter my size.

NP. NOT OP. Nobody else is this insensitive. How do you say this when it isn't true? I so don't like him fat. What a turnoff for me. He doesn't have to be perfect, but that beer belly is so gross. I used to encourage him to exercise. But then I stopped because it doesn't work. And I definitely don't say anything about food.

I'm assuming you're talking about attraction? Because you can support him no matter what he looks like, the same way you'd support your kid or your friend or parent. Looks don't matter.

So about attraction. People disagree, but I think it is possible to become attracted to somebody if you like their personality and they treat you well. The first step is realizing that beauty standards are cultural and therefore relative. Think about what constituted beauty in England in the late Middle Ages:



Would a king these days go after these women? Sorry but no. So if you don't find somebody attractive, that's okay, but it doesn't mean they are *objectively* unattractive.

Then you can open yourself up to the possibility that they are attractive. Perhaps there are photos online of plus size male models your husband's size? Maybe google "hot dad bod?" But the most important thing is probably to make an effort to look for everything that's good about them, physical and otherwise. Like nice eyes, good smile, nice pants, good sense of humor, kind to others, confident, did something nice for you, whatever.

I wouldn't tell somebody to make an effort to find somebody attractive if they weren't already married, but again I definitely think that you can find what is attractive in everybody who has a good personality. When somebody who is conventionally unnattractive marries somebody who is also conventionally unattractive, they aren't lying when they say they find each other attractive. They have just reframed things.

He really did not like Anne of Cleves. He thought she was supremely unattractive.
BUT, a lot of what passed for attractive was - didn't squint, didn't have smallpox scars, and had her own money.
I understand sexual attraction. I am sexually attracted to -- non conventionally attractive men. But not fat ones. I'm not a dad bod or more type me. My husaband was attractive at one time. Just no longer. But he's till quite kind and has a lot of attractive qualities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of bringing up his weight that way, I would say you truly love him and support him no matter what he looks like. Build up his self esteem and he’ll be more likely to take care of his health.

I have gained weight in the past because of unhealthy choices and I’m so glad my husband never said anything to me about it. Even though I know that I wasn’t objectively as attractive , I never felt less desirable because of the extra pounds. So I could just work on my self-confidence and health without fighting against the shame that comes from hearing that your partner wants you to lose weight. He did say he wanted me to be healthy but I know that’s because he cares about me and doesn’t want me to die early. He never said anything about the number on the scale. And didn’t tell me not to eat donuts, he made me green smoothies and watched the kids while I went to the gym.

I lead a much healthier lifestyle now (I started going to therapy, I quit drinking, and I use exercise to manage anxiety instead of food and alcohol). So I’m thin again. But it feels great to know if I did gain weight again, it wouldn’t impact my relationship. I feel very secure knowing he is there for me no matter my size.

NP. NOT OP. Nobody else is this insensitive. How do you say this when it isn't true? I so don't like him fat. What a turnoff for me. He doesn't have to be perfect, but that beer belly is so gross. I used to encourage him to exercise. But then I stopped because it doesn't work. And I definitely don't say anything about food.

I'm assuming you're talking about attraction? Because you can support him no matter what he looks like, the same way you'd support your kid or your friend or parent. Looks don't matter.

So about attraction. People disagree, but I think it is possible to become attracted to somebody if you like their personality and they treat you well. The first step is realizing that beauty standards are cultural and therefore relative. Think about what constituted beauty in England in the late Middle Ages:



Would a king these days go after these women? Sorry but no. So if you don't find somebody attractive, that's okay, but it doesn't mean they are *objectively* unattractive.

Then you can open yourself up to the possibility that they are attractive. Perhaps there are photos online of plus size male models your husband's size? Maybe google "hot dad bod?" But the most important thing is probably to make an effort to look for everything that's good about them, physical and otherwise. Like nice eyes, good smile, nice pants, good sense of humor, kind to others, confident, did something nice for you, whatever.

I wouldn't tell somebody to make an effort to find somebody attractive if they weren't already married, but again I definitely think that you can find what is attractive in everybody who has a good personality. When somebody who is conventionally unnattractive marries somebody who is also conventionally unattractive, they aren't lying when they say they find each other attractive. They have just reframed things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of bringing up his weight that way, I would say you truly love him and support him no matter what he looks like. Build up his self esteem and he’ll be more likely to take care of his health.

I have gained weight in the past because of unhealthy choices and I’m so glad my husband never said anything to me about it. Even though I know that I wasn’t objectively as attractive , I never felt less desirable because of the extra pounds. So I could just work on my self-confidence and health without fighting against the shame that comes from hearing that your partner wants you to lose weight. He did say he wanted me to be healthy but I know that’s because he cares about me and doesn’t want me to die early. He never said anything about the number on the scale. And didn’t tell me not to eat donuts, he made me green smoothies and watched the kids while I went to the gym.

I lead a much healthier lifestyle now (I started going to therapy, I quit drinking, and I use exercise to manage anxiety instead of food and alcohol). So I’m thin again. But it feels great to know if I did gain weight again, it wouldn’t impact my relationship. I feel very secure knowing he is there for me no matter my size.

NP. NOT OP. Nobody else is this insensitive. How do you say this when it isn't true? I so don't like him fat. What a turnoff for me. He doesn't have to be perfect, but that beer belly is so gross. I used to encourage him to exercise. But then I stopped because it doesn't work. And I definitely don't say anything about food.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of bringing up his weight that way, I would say you truly love him and support him no matter what he looks like. Build up his self esteem and he’ll be more likely to take care of his health.

I have gained weight in the past because of unhealthy choices and I’m so glad my husband never said anything to me about it. Even though I know that I wasn’t objectively as attractive , I never felt less desirable because of the extra pounds. So I could just work on my self-confidence and health without fighting against the shame that comes from hearing that your partner wants you to lose weight. He did say he wanted me to be healthy but I know that’s because he cares about me and doesn’t want me to die early. He never said anything about the number on the scale. And didn’t tell me not to eat donuts, he made me green smoothies and watched the kids while I went to the gym.

I lead a much healthier lifestyle now (I started going to therapy, I quit drinking, and I use exercise to manage anxiety instead of food and alcohol). So I’m thin again. But it feels great to know if I did gain weight again, it wouldn’t impact my relationship. I feel very secure knowing he is there for me no matter my size.

NP. NOT OP. Nobody else is this insensitive. How do you say this when it isn't true? I so don't like him fat. What a turnoff for me. He doesn't have to be perfect, but that beer belly is so gross. I used to encourage him to exercise. But then I stopped because it doesn't work.

And I definitely don't say anything about food. [/quote


Love, support, and attraction are 3 different things. I think all of us would want and hope our spouses still loved us and supported us no matter what we look like. Physical attraction can wax and wan. It's no surprise your husband hasn't changed much besides the known difficulty of long-term sustained weight loss he knows his wife only loves him if his body looks a certain way.]