I struggled with this for years until the one specialised nurse pulled me aside in the drive way one day. She knew I was wrecking myself trying to keep things safe and right. She told me it was determined that Mom was cognitive enough to make her own choices. While they are not safe choices or the ones most would make, for now at least she gets to make them. I think she was the only one ever who implied this mess was not my fault or responsibility. While dozens of others constantly breathed down my neck that I needed to do more or better.

This post should be in the midlife/elder care section. It appears almost identical to other posts/poster there about dealing with difficult elders.

In those posts the OP was given LOTS of good advice but just wanted to argue about how unfair, hard, difficult, it all was for them dealing with these awful old people who were a drag and pain in the a$$.

That OP felt that if an elder does not take your advice regarding their life, their living arrangements and finances, then they should be deemed incompetent by the court and forced into a full-time care facility.

Anonymous wrote:Kind of goes for kids as well...I have a child who refuses treatment for a treatable condition....I cannot save that child from himself.....And I have tried.....

My heart goes out to you, PP.

Kind of goes for kids as well...I have a child who refuses treatment for a treatable condition....I cannot save that child from himself.....And I have tried.....

The book "Being Mortal" discusses this idea. As the children of aging parents we want to prioritize safety over everything else but the elder may prioritize autonomy/independence. And that may be the best thing. A possibly shorter life but lived on one's own terms. I know when I think of aging myself, I'd pick the shorter life if the alternative is safe isolation in a nursing home

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do have to let them make their own decisions. It's not like nursing homes are 100% safe either-- COVID certainly opened my eyes to that.

My neighbor's father died downhill skiing at the age of 88. They all begged him to give up skiing and he wouldn't. He enjoyed life very much until one day he took a hard fall and that was that, he was gone before they had him off the mountain.

Wow. That’s kind of a great way to go really. Good for him!

+1

This is how it should be for everyone.

+2. Better to go doing what you love, than bring miserable the last years of your life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do have to let them make their own decisions. It's not like nursing homes are 100% safe either-- COVID certainly opened my eyes to that.

My neighbor's father died downhill skiing at the age of 88. They all begged him to give up skiing and he wouldn't. He enjoyed life very much until one day he took a hard fall and that was that, he was gone before they had him off the mountain.

Wow. That’s kind of a great way to go really. Good for him!

+1

This is how it should be for everyone.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do have to let them make their own decisions. It's not like nursing homes are 100% safe either-- COVID certainly opened my eyes to that.

My neighbor's father died downhill skiing at the age of 88. They all begged him to give up skiing and he wouldn't. He enjoyed life very much until one day he took a hard fall and that was that, he was gone before they had him off the mountain.

Wow. That’s kind of a great way to go really. Good for him!

This remind me so closely the situation of some relatives. They refuse help from anybody in the family and when social services get involved they just move to an other place. It is heartbreaking but they are not minors or legally incapacitated so we just aknowleddge we cannot do much

Sometimes you do have to let them make their own decisions. It's not like nursing homes are 100% safe either-- COVID certainly opened my eyes to that.

My neighbor's father died downhill skiing at the age of 88. They all begged him to give up skiing and he wouldn't. He enjoyed life very much until one day he took a hard fall and that was that, he was gone before they had him off the mountain.

Call me selfish, or pragmatic, but this hasn't bothered me too much.

My FIL has advanced Parkinson’s. We do what we can to make sure his home is safe. He and my MIL live 2 miles from us and will not give up their home. FIL is very, very unsteady on his feet. Has difficult speaking and swallowing. And also has a serious heart condition plus leukemia. He plays 18 holes of golf three times a week. We have just accepted that he’ll die on the golf course doing what he loves. There are worse ways to go.

Sorry OP. You sound frustrated and angry. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. My parents are acting in a similar way. I get it. Hopefully this realization is a release for you. Sounds like you are doing your best and that’s all you can do!

I needed to hear this. Thank you.

Hope this helps someone. One thing I had to learn after over a decade of sandwich generation aggravation is to let go of making sure any stubborn family member dies in the safest situation possible. If they are of sound mind and refuse residential and scare off any careworkers who come to their home it is not on you to rescue and come and babysit at the expense of being there for the family you created and your job, etc. If they have dementia, but when of sound mind insisted they must be at home in their house of horrors then that is their choice. If you are able to over-ride that as medical POA or by getting guardianship or whatever, more power to you, but for many of us the endless tantrums just take their toll after years. The issue becomes you must make sure they don't kill someone else so at some point they may not be able to drive or cook. So you disable everything and they refuse a driving service and they won't eat the meals on wheels. It's hell. I had to learn to accept it could one day be death by falling down the steps or death by refusing to eat the food provided or death by a stroke that happens and nobody is there to help because all help was scared off. Those deaths are deaths on their terms. Is it so much better to force the residential and keep being saved over and over. When they fall too much more restrictions are placed and they get angry. Maybe the person makes it all the way to the end of Alzheimers and is rewarded with death from pneumonia.

It's such a taboo subject. Now when I hear someone's parent died in his sleep I think how fortunate the family is to know it was peaceful. If another one died falling down the steps he refused to give up using and he was living a very independent life right up until then i think how fortunate they are that he didn't have to become more and more depressed as he deals with decline into utter dependence. I had a great grandmother refuse cancer treatment at 80 and back then I thought it was so sad, but now I think that is a beautiful thing. She died on her terms medicated enough so she felt no pain and she had the chance to say goodbye, wish everyone well, have her favorite meals and she literally died with a smile on her face.

My issue these days is with the parent who refuses residential, can't get along with help and expects us to jump in. Been there, done that and won't. She is verbally abusive. She complains that none of her neighbors want to talk to her and her friends are faded off and in the same breath she tells you that once again she stopped taking her antidepressants and refuses to take them again.It's hard not to get sucked in, but all we can do is send the social worker to visit and try to help, try another aide service and make sure she isn't in a position to harm anyone.