Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

I really thought maybe I wrote this… seriously. I’m in the exact same boat and simultaneously being guilted by my parents for not calling them. But any time I do, it’s completely one sided. She doesn’t even ask about my DC but goes on about my sister’s kids. I’m fairly certain my mom is a narcissist, which explains a lot.

You’re not alone. I have never been the favorite child. It’s even more obvious as my mom gets older and more dependent on our support.

I think mothers should ask how their kids are. When the kids are young and when they’re adults.

My mom asks how I'm going all the time but she doesn't really listen to the response and will misinterpret anything I say so it's not really a rewarding exchange.

Anything I say to my mom gets filtered through a bunch of layers of her own issues so by the time she's processing it, it has very little to do with me.

I increasingly feel that no one should have kids until they have learned to manage their own issues, past traumas, and moderate their own emotions. You don't have to have it all sorted out, but you need to have tools for it. Otherwise you just use your kids as vessels for processing your own BS and it's miserable for them. I don't really even know what it would feel like to have either of my parents see me asa separate person with my own sh!t going on rather than a reflection of some aspect of their own lives.

Yes, but she’s widowed and retired. I think she’s just very lonely and has a lot to say.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

I really thought maybe I wrote this… seriously. I’m in the exact same boat and simultaneously being guilted by my parents for not calling them. But any time I do, it’s completely one sided. She doesn’t even ask about my DC but goes on about my sister’s kids. I’m fairly certain my mom is a narcissist, which explains a lot.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t ask people I’m close with. I expect we’re close enough you’ll just tell me without standing on ceremony waiting to be asked.

+1 this is me too.

Same here. This is my mother too. I will call her and she will spend 45 minutes talking about her grandchild that lives by her. Then she will spend the last 15 talking about her ailments. When I finally mention that I have to go, she will ask “well how are the kids?” Literally as I told her Inhave to go and don’t have time to get into it with her. Then she will get mad that I do t share with her. To be honest she only asks just so she can ask and tell
People I don’t share when in reality she doesn’t care.

Half of the time she won’t even ask about my kids after she speaks for an hour in her other grandchild.

I feel ya. I have come to realization that she has favorites and we are not it and that she will never change. She is a narcissistic and I phone her only so I won’t feel guilty for shutting her out of my life.

Good luck! You are not alone.

OP here. I didn’t mean how I’m doing in a literal sense. Mainly that my mother doesn’t inquire anything about me personally. We could talk every day and she’s know nothing about me because the conversation is always redirected if I offer any info about my life.

My mom never did either. Then again, we’re fairly certain that she was a narcissist, if not somewhere on the BPD spectrum. She would go on and on about her friends whom I had never met and barely listen to a few sentences about me without turning it back to her life.

Interesting. I don’t have a mother but speak regularly with my dad. He doesn’t explicitly ask how I’m doing and I don’t explicitly ask him. Like PP said, we both just communicate info that we want to share. He’ll ask me if I’m feeling better if last we spoke I said I was sick, or he’ll ask how the kids are doing back at school. Stuff like that. But a general “how are you?” No, not really. How often do you speak with you mom? I think the more regular conversations are, the less the need to ask open ended questions. But I also suspect it has something to do with her being a therapist.

My mother does what you describe and then complains I never tell her anything about my life... I've come to realize her default is "monologue, not dialogue" so whenever she takes a breath, I just start talking. Then she at least feels like we have good conversations.

Mine has gotten weirder on phone calls as she’s gotten older. Will just go on and on in a monologue about her life, talk at length about my sister’s family and in-laws, and then might eventually ask if I have any news, but will often interrupt with a new completely random thought before I can finish two sentences. It’s really annoying. Now I just sit there silently and let her talk and say “nothing to report here!”

I don’t ask people I’m close with. I expect we’re close enough you’ll just tell me without standing on ceremony waiting to be asked.

Not really. Our conversations sound like you describe. She has lots of work drama, comments on friends and family. But I guess the difference is that I like my mom and would be her friend if she weren’t my mom. These calls are very similar to ones I have with friends.

Does your mom inquire about your personal or profession life? My mom has never done this. Unless I interrupt her and offer information about my life, she just carries on about my siblings, her work drama or our dysfunctional extended family without responding to what I had shared.. She will ask how my kids are but usually directs to conversation back to comparison about my siblings two kids. It’s always been this way, but as she’s gotten older it’s very obvious.

By the way my mother is a therapist and is very inquisitive with other peoples lives. When she visits she spends her time on the phone or online with people seeking her advice so I know she has the capacity.