Anonymous wrote:Playing devils advocate here. She may be legitimately overwhelmed. I am the executor for my aunts estate and one of 3 beneficiaries. I’m currently her POA so I have a sense of what a mess things will be when the time comes. Just as POA I am utterly at a loss because she has never organized a single piece of paper and I’m playing detective identifying accounts, assets, debts, etc. It will take years after her death to settle her estate unless I want this to be a full-time job. I don’t know how I will be able to afford to pay for help unless one of the other beneficiaries offers.

I posted above, and I feel your pain. I had two rooms full of literally decades of paperwork and bills, piled in no particular order, as well as over ten years of back taxes to file. I did nothing but sort paper for weeks. It took almost three years to get everything done. My DC will benefit, because I am determined to make things easier for my kids when I go.

Playing devils advocate here. She may be legitimately overwhelmed. I am the executor for my aunts estate and one of 3 beneficiaries. I’m currently her POA so I have a sense of what a mess things will be when the time comes. Just as POA I am utterly at a loss because she has never organized a single piece of paper and I’m playing detective identifying accounts, assets, debts, etc. It will take years after her death to settle her estate unless I want this to be a full-time job. I don’t know how I will be able to afford to pay for help unless one of the other beneficiaries offers.

Hopefully your lawyer can help resolve this. In my early 30s I was executor for my great aunt's estate and it was a mess. Extremely stressful and time-consuming, I ended up spending a large chunk for an accounting and law firm to help me sort through it all. So many times I thought I could resolve but there are so many moving pieces, it's hard to know at the outstet. Agree your SIL should have made you whole by now, but I imagine there's tons of pressure on her and after five years, no doubt she's weary. Best of luck to you but I wouldn't just walk away from $40k, whether I could afford it or not!

So sorry. What a mess. Hopefully there are enough assets left to cover your $40k and legal fees, but it’s very possible that it’s all been spent. Some states require the executor to post a bond, so you might look into that.

I’m not defending your SIL at all, because she clearly had people ready and willing to help, but handling a messy estate can be very complex and time-consuming and I could see how someone could get themselves in over their heads pretty quickly, especially if they’re disorganized and/or less than scrupulously honest. If the money is there, the temptation is just too great for some people. It’s amazing what people can justify to themselves.

I’m a lawyer and I have been executor of three different estates, and it’s always a learning process. I was the executor of one estate where the deceased’s paperwork was quite disorganized, and getting it resolved was almost a full time job for 18 months. I personally loaned the estate tens of thousands to pay expenses and keep the bills paid, but I wasn’t concerned because I was the only heir. At the time, I wondered how many people who don’t have any legal expertise or extra $$ can actually handle these things properly.

17:18 here. Emotionally and financially, it was a really wrenching time. It gave us no pleasure to have to sue our sibling but it was a necessary next step.

$40K is a lot of money to ask for at one time — maybe your SIL paid off the mortgage on the condo? Has your lawyer researched the title?

OP here. Definitely not dementia BC executor was in her 40s when mother died. She is a bit narcissist though and has hoarding tendencies, which is why we all sighed when we found out she was executor.

OP here. Executor/SIL lived in the same town as late mother. Out if state. But she was overwhelmed and within a month of the funeral we spent days up there cleaning out condo. Executor couldn't/didn't. We found miscellaneous financial paperwork incl life insurance that we passed onto executor. We then asked executor what she needed. She wanted to consult with an estate lawyer but said she didn't have money to get things going. Within a day if that conversation we asked her to find an estate lawyer and that we'd front some money to get things started. She gave us a name within 2 days and we sent the money directly to the estate lawyer to get things started. We knew it would cost more to settle but the intention was to just start the process til she could access bank accounts, life insurance etc. We lived several hundred miles away so we couldn't help much more with day to day stuff. My other brother in law lived locally and offered to run errands for her, go to court, help with banking, etc. She kept saying no. The only time she would make contact with us was to request money (first for lawyer to get rolling, then a year later in a oanic about the foreclosure.). Btw, when we lent the estate the 40k to pay off the note we kept asking why it was an emergency and hadn't she received notices. She was always vague. And would get defensive. She always said she was the victim in all this.

What is the family’s goal with the estate? Do they want to hold on to the house or is everyone just waiting for SIL to finish up? Have any of the siblings offered to help her out? It seem that would’ve been the first thing to do.

How is SIL’s health? Is there any possibility she has an early onset dementia? Unfortunately, that’s what happened to my sibling. The rest of us had to sue to remove them as executor and have another sibling appointed to the role.

An executor can be sued if they’re mismanaging the settlement of the estate, and it sounds like she is. If the relationship is already damaged, it seems like it’s the way to go to recoup your losses.

Anonymous wrote:I think you can take her to court yourself. At some point this becomes criminal doesn’t it? She clearly stole money from you.

DP but I don’t think so. I think she’s avoiding handling things rather than stealing. Evidence for that is the fact of the near foreclosure.

OP. We asked for 40k stocks to be sold given to us but she is vague and somehow it never gets done. The stocks are currently valued at 100k. It was a relatively small estate with a modest property too. Our lawyer thinks she may have pulled a fast one with the stocks and done something illegal.

I think you can take her to court yourself. At some point this becomes criminal doesn’t it? She clearly stole money from you.

OP here. Not sure. Maybe. It lien on property etc. Still working with lawyer to see what our options are. Going to court sounds expensive both financially and emotionally. We'll see.

I would tell her to transfer $40k of stocks from the estate to your account.

Can you take her to court?

Mother in law died 6 years ago. Her daughter, my SIL was sole executor. The estate was messy BC late MIL was sloppy with paperwork. A year after MIL death, estate was no where to being settled and MIL house was getting into foreclosure. We got a panicked call from SIL executor asking us to lend the estate 40k to get the bank off the back. I was very hesitant but my husband (brother of executor) said he trusted his sister. We lent the estate 40k by paying off the note. Five years later the SIL executor still has not settled estate, has not sold stocks etc , does not share information and is generally hiding and avoiding us. We have no idea of the state if anything. She'd give us the runaround these past few years where she would say that something was in probate and one more form was needed. But nothing ever came to closure. I asked my husband starting about two years ago to hire a lawyer to represent us. Three months ago we finally did and now our lawyer is the only one talking to her. We are officially estranged now and it broke my hubby's heart that his sister would screw him. He wouldn't hire a lawyer earlier BC he thought that his sister just needed more time. (Denial, which he openly admits now). Our lawyer has been having a hard time getting any info from executor and frankly we don't think we'll ever get 40k back. At this point we just want closure. Our lawyer has to start subpoena-ing documents etc. He said he's never seen an estate so mismanaged. We don't want to sink too much money into a lawyer if there is nothing there. So right now he is just trying to get a handle on seeing if there is anything left and what our best course is. The emotional stress is huge too, although we have now accepted the fact that my SIL is dishonest.

The sick thing is, is that she's such a hypocrite. She goes to church weekly and is always posting cliche things on social.media "do unto others", and other bs. For a little history she has always been secretive and everyone sighed when we found out she was executor. But my hubby was naieve to trust her. Frankly we will just cut our losses and never speak to her again. His other two siblings are horrified and disgusted. They have tried talking to her but she gives them the same vague answers and runaround. They do t really talk to her anymore.

People suck. You just don't really think at the end if the day that family would screw you. 40k is a lot to me on a teacher salary.