No, that's not it. You CAN measure if Person A is wealthier than Person B, or which person scores higher grades or wins at sports. These are facts, rather than opinion. Looks are subjective. If one person is welcomed into a fancy restaurant and another is turned away for violating the dress code, one might say the first person is better dressed than the second. But look at Adam Sandler - he wears baggy b-ball shorts and hoodies to everything and is wealthy and connected and successful. So how you dress isn't everything.

I remember something about this from a psychology class I took in college. I don't remember how this is grounded in psych theory or anything, but it struck me as incredibly good sense at the time and has stuck with me:

The ideal amount of self-confidence will result in the assumption that you are "as good" as anyone you meet. That's your default -- you meet a new person, and think "oh we are equals". Regardless of external indicators like how someone is dressed or presents themselves, or even how they talk. They might be more or less educated, have more or less money, etc. But you figure you are about equal as human beings and act accordingly (respectful but not deferential). I always aim for this when interacting with other people.

An overconfident person will assume they are superior to everyone they meet, and will refuse to treat others respectfully unless they have proven that they, too, are superior people. These people are exhausting and I avoid them like the plague because I hate having to audition for basic human decency. If you can't assume I'm worthy of basic respect upon meeting me, that's not evidence of my deficiency, it's evidence of yours.

An underconfident person assumes everyone they meet is better than them. They will be overly-deferential on everything, often put themselves down, etc. I don't avoid these folks but I am careful around them. They can be exhausting at time because they are often approval seeking. I actually went through a period of my life like this and it's horribly painful. I have a lot of empathy. But I also know from experience that the only way out of this is through your own work. I can't somehow force someone to see their own worth, or magically enlighten them. If this is you, you have to see that it's a problem and just work at it until you can value yourself again. It's tough. While in this process, I especially recommend you stay away from people who are overconfident because a lot of them will try to take advantage of you.

Anyway, my goal is the middle. I think it's a good one. The outliers have issues.

Anonymous wrote:Similarly, I’d you don’t care about any of those things, just nod and go hang out with some other tribe that also doesn’t care or isn’t any of those things. Big deal.

Np. I would add that most societies value those traits you list OP.

You don’t have to fight the current here. Just say Congrats and go back to gaming or book club or knitting. Not everyone is out there helo-skiing, wearing designer clothes, and making millions of dollars. Don’t waste your energy hating others, spend your energy on yourself or your kids. Energy is what you should count, not money or looks or vacations. Spend your energy wisely you will be healthy and productive.

Similarly, I’d you don’t care about any of those things, just nod and go hang out with some other tribe that also doesn’t care or isn’t any of those things. Big deal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism in not just being conceited.

It would be needing to actively put others down to feel better about oneself. And the manipulation and active self-centeredness, which is neglect and emotional abuse of others.

Yes. Remember that it is a diagnosable condition. Using it for everyone who is a bit self-centered or arrogant isn’t helpful.

+2

+4. There are elements of narcissism in what you describe but in and of itself it isn’t narcissism.

It’s tough because in other families the “better” siblings are on the hook for so much more— money for nieces and nephews education, for cars, to fund vacations, I’m not sure that’s healthy either…

Anonymous wrote:Is it abnormal for someone to think they are better looking, smarter, richer, more interesting, better dressed, better parent, more athletic, etc than other members of their family? I know someone who believes these things are measurable to some extent and feels they “won” and are therefore “better” than the others. They can’t fathom why others don’t give them credit for all these things and keep them at arms length.

Well are they good looking, well paid, do interesting stuff, actively parent, and dress well?? Maybe they’re Type A, energizer bunnies trying to get you all to do something fun.

Either way, if you were confident you could easily know your self worth, and even tell him how good looking, successful, and interesting you are. No need to post on DCUM at all. Know your self worth. Seek to improve it always.

Examples, op? Yes, it's narcissistic. But also sometimes people (you, in this situation) might have insecurities that cause them to incorrectly perceive the actions of others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism in not just being conceited.

It would be needing to actively put others down to feel better about oneself. And the manipulation and active self-centeredness, which is neglect and emotional abuse of others.

Yes. Remember that it is a diagnosable condition. Using it for everyone who is a bit self-centered or arrogant isn’t helpful.

+2

Anonymous wrote:Narcissism in not just being conceited.

It would be needing to actively put others down to feel better about oneself. And the manipulation and active self-centeredness, which is neglect and emotional abuse of others.

Yes. Remember that it is a diagnosable condition. Using it for everyone who is a bit self-centered or arrogant isn’t helpful.

Narcissism in not just being conceited.

It would be needing to actively put others down to feel better about oneself. And the manipulation and active self-centeredness, which is neglect and emotional abuse of others.

It may not be "normal" but it is common. And yes, it's narcissistic - everyone has an element of narcissism, but some have a diagnosable condition. Which is worse and slightly different.

People on DCUM believe these things. If you aren't pretty enough, like Carrie Bradshaw, you don't deserve boyfriends. If you are frumpy, you don't deserve a "rich" husband. Same for being too fat, too skinny, or too old. And they can't understand why they aren't "winning" at life despite all their advantages.

Ah yes, this is my sister. And my parents made the mistake of agreeing with her for many years, thus alienating themselves from me. And now we are not close, and my sister recently turned in my parents (because in addition to thinking she is better than me in every way, she obviously also thinks she’s better than them). Suddenly they are very chummy with me and think my kid is just great!

These people, I swear.

So it sounds like you know my mother and sister? Brother/cousin/aunt is that you?

Is it abnormal for someone to think they are better looking, smarter, richer, more interesting, better dressed, better parent, more athletic, etc than other members of their family? I know someone who believes these things are measurable to some extent and feels they “won” and are therefore “better” than the others. They can’t fathom why others don’t give them credit for all these things and keep them at arms length.