Anonymous wrote:Never, ever try to “be a mother” to someone unless they specifically say they want you to be a mother figure in their life. I have a mother. One. When she dies, there will not be anyone who can take her place.

My MIL tried to be “like a mother” to me from the jump, never mind that I have not only a mother, but aunts and older female friends of my parents. The first step toward closeness is getting to know someone, so when she failed to see that I had a lot of women in my life who I looked to already for support, guidance and care, she was ignoring a lot of important things about me. We’ve never been close, because she didn’t start at 1 with me; she tried to start at 10.

Bitter much?

I have a perfectly fine MIL but nothing in this earth could make me love her like I love my mom, who raised me and cared for me and loved me unconditionally.

MIL is not the same thing as a mom. It’s a totally different connection.

I’m from an immigrant family and my parents called my grandparents mom and dad because that’s the ways it was done. Instantly at the time of marriage out of respect. So traditional and marriage made a MIL a mom. It didn’t matter if you hated or liked her.

For me and my siblings? It’s not happening ever. We call them by their first names. Our spouses call our parents by their first names. It feels more like polite acquaintances than the way we grew up. My MIL definitely isn’t my mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the wrong crowd to ask that question.

Let me rephrase, what qualities/traits do you see in your MIls which you would never replicate with significant others of your children?

I really like my MIL. I've known her since I was in college. She asks non-judgmental questions about my life, my job, my family, my hobbies, etc. She really listens to me. Calls me to congratulation me on promotions, etc. and doesn't just tell my husband to tell me. She remembers my favorite dish she makes and makes it when we visit. Keeps my favorite wine in the fridge. She's always made me feel like she cares about me as a person and not as an appendage of her son. If she is judging how we're raising our kids, I've never heard a negative peep about it. She's not a "mother" to me but she is my family and I care about her tremendously and genuinely enjoy her company.

I’m with my MIL right now. She has traits that are better or worse than my mom - they’re very different women. I like that she’s a real person with me - asks me about my successes and concerns and shares hers. I also like that (unlike my mom) she’s willing and able to watch our kids a bit when we visit. My FIL is very difficult and my MIL could tell I needed a break today and asked me to lunch. My mom can’t really go out by herself anymore and didn’t do anything for Christmas this year, so it was special that my MIL remembered my favorite candy, made me of my favorite dishes of hers, and picked up a book by an author she thought I’d like.

I hadn’t seen her since December 2019. Both my siblings have their in-laws near by (my brother’s in-laws live with them a few months of the year) and I think it would be a very different relationship in that case. For example, my mom and dad show up at my brother’s house a few times a week expecting dinner. Never mind that my BIL and SIL have jobs and young kids. Also, my DH and I get stressed by the degree to which our parents judge our parenting or try to butt in or parent differently, so I’d say stay out of parenting unless asked or unless something is truly dangerous.

Don’t be disapproving and judgemental. That’s how my MIL started in our relationship and it was hard because she’s not someone who made good life decisions in any way and was not a good mother (severe addict). It really rubbed me the wrong way. I put up with her now but I definitely don’t have a close relationship with her. If she had more humility or kindness it could have been different.

Never, ever try to “be a mother” to someone unless they specifically say they want you to be a mother figure in their life. I have a mother. One. When she dies, there will not be anyone who can take her place.

My MIL tried to be “like a mother” to me from the jump, never mind that I have not only a mother, but aunts and older female friends of my parents. The first step toward closeness is getting to know someone, so when she failed to see that I had a lot of women in my life who I looked to already for support, guidance and care, she was ignoring a lot of important things about me. We’ve never been close, because she didn’t start at 1 with me; she tried to start at 10.

I like and respect my MIL, and I met her when I was 19, but I have a mother and don't need additional mother figures. I don't have that relationship with any women in my life other than my actual mom.

I wouldn’t know. I can’t stand my MIL.

It's gentle advising/knowing when to butt out/be quiet and advice/guidance comes from genuinely caring about you, not from satisfying their own needs.

Anonymous wrote:Which qualities made you love your MIL like a real mother?

I see my FIL that way. My father died when I was young and I started dating my wife as a Freshman in college, so my FIL has been present for decades. Even then, it was really after my wife and I had kids.

Anonymous wrote:This is the wrong crowd to ask that question.

Let me rephrase, what qualities/traits do you see in your MIls which you would never replicate with significant others of your children?

This is the wrong crowd to ask that question.

Which qualities made you love your MIL like a real mother?