Anonymous wrote:On the contrary, I really wanted to parent a healthy child.

Our first was born very premature, with global developmental delays, a breathing and choking issue, etc. He was in intensive physical, occupational, play and speech therapy for years. When things looked up, at 4, we started trying to conceive. DC2 is completely healthy, which is a relief.

PP above, coming back to this thread to mention something. DC1 is now 16, he outgrew all his developmental delays in elementary, and was diagnosed with several medical issues, ADHD and learning disabilities... and also has a high IQ. His education has been interesting, since like all twice exceptional kids, he needs both enrichment and academic support. But as the years have passed, he's needed less hands-on daily help and has proven to be a thoughtful and intellectual person.

Having a second child:
1. Does not add additional stress, since she's healthy and highly functional. We're able to have a normal parenting experience, and this makes us very happy.
2. Benefits our oldest significantly, despite the 5 year age difference, because she has socialized him, and has taught him to bond, negotiate and manage conflict with other children, not just adults.

The advantages of having a healthy second child are numerous when the first born has issues. However there is always the risk that the second child will also have issues. So, I guess it depends on your risk tolerance.

Anonymous wrote:On the contrary, I really wanted to parent a healthy child.

"We plan, God laughs."

Yes, my child had SN and I wanted to make sure they'd be ok and I could give them everything before I had another. But by the time my child started thriving and doing great, other stuff happened and we stopped at one. I'm grateful for the child I have and while I would have liked two, it was worth holding off so I could put everything into them (ST, OT, etc).

There are so many great things about just having one.

I didn't stop at one, because I had twins... but super-premature, almost died in NICU, lots of delays, ASD for one, ADHD for the other. Like one of the PPs, I wanted the experience of having a "normal" child, and I had a frozen embryo in storage... but once the pandemic hit, I decided against having another. And now, it feels too late, because of my own age, and also because the twins are so old that they wouldn't have much of a sibling relationship with someone so much younger (would be a 7-8 year age difference at this point).

On the contrary, I really wanted to parent a healthy child.

Our first was born very premature, with global developmental delays, a breathing and choking issue, etc. He was in intensive physical, occupational, play and speech therapy for years. When things looked up, at 4, we started trying to conceive. DC2 is completely healthy, which is a relief.

Autism diagnosis stopped us from having more. It’s an exhausting life and I can’t imagine adding another to the mix.

Yes. My son was a preemie, and had major feeding issues, and never slept. I had an awful delivery and post partum experience. By the time he turned 6 months I was pretty sure we would never have another! It was just so so hard.

When he was around 18 months we started talking about another, and halfheartedly tried for awhile, and nothing happened. Then our son turned in to a needy, active, intense toddler, who then turned in to a preschooler with ADHD, who then required therapy and interventions, and he's now 8 and I know we'll never have another!

It wasn't my plan, and it sometimes makes me sad that we weren't able to have more, but I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it if the second was as difficult to raise as he has been. Sometimes one is enough!

So we have these friends whose daughter had a lot of issues. She was finally diagnosed with ASD but the road to get there was awful and exhausting with lots of eating issues, failure to thrive, struggles to get the right services etc.

They finally just had their 2nd, and their older daughter is 11! But they really did want two kids and they didn't feel ready for a long time.

Yes. Our daughter was diagnosed with ASD at 22 months and it completely upended our plans for subsequent children. A significant part of the reason is that we are both immigrants, older and don’t have any family support here.

Before our first was born, I planned to start trying for our second 18mos after our first. But our first had so many medical and developmental issues, including feeding issues, failure to thrive, and a neurological event that caused her to stop breathing. Like you I too developed anxiety and PTSD.

I wasn’t ready at 18mos — in part because I wanted to get answers and wanted to know if our second child would also have similar challenges. Experts recommended genetic testing, MRI, etc — nothing yielded any answers. One genetics counselor prepared us for potentially bad news — but then later at the 2yo appointment saw our child was speaking in complex sentences and said “you have nothing to worry about.”

So then I finally felt comfortable enough to go forward. Our second child had no medical challenges other than FPIES (type of food allergy). We later found out with more detailed genetic testing that our first does have a genetic condition, but it was random and not hereditary. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if it had been hereditary and we had two kids with the condition. Our first child had a pretty mild case of a disease that is generally very severe.

I guess I would echo the previous poster who said to take care of your mental health first. And also when you’re ready, speak with a genetics counselor who may be able to give you answers of whether family genetics may cause any future children to be at risk. Then decide.

It’s okay for your plans to change. Only kids do fine. Take care of yourself first.

More temperamental and parenting issues than medical but yes, my needy DD was 6 before DH and I felt like we could handle a second kid. By that time he was 40+ and I was 38+. I had three miscarriages in quick succession and then we stopped trying.

The truth was, I wasn't too sad about the last two m/c because I'm really happy with how our lives are. Being a parent of an only is mostly great.

Anonymous wrote:Not in the same exact position, but our only is a croup with every cold baby. If you don't know what it is, it's when they wake up having trouble breathing. Many ambulance rides and ER admissions for us, so i completely understand where you are coming from! He is 5 now, and only now has it gotten better and we are just now thinking maybe we could handle another one. But before - i had full on anxiety and maybe PTSD and knew that if we had another one it would permanently break my brain. My doctor recommended I see someone for PTSD but then covid hit, and I got better on my own. Take care of your own mental health, and see where you are then.

So did you decide on a second?

One cousin with an autistic child stopped at one. The other with autistic child had three more children (none of the other three on the spectrum).

Not in the same exact position, but our only is a croup with every cold baby. If you don't know what it is, it's when they wake up having trouble breathing. Many ambulance rides and ER admissions for us, so i completely understand where you are coming from! He is 5 now, and only now has it gotten better and we are just now thinking maybe we could handle another one. But before - i had full on anxiety and maybe PTSD and knew that if we had another one it would permanently break my brain. My doctor recommended I see someone for PTSD but then covid hit, and I got better on my own. Take care of your own mental health, and see where you are then.

DD was born with a throat condition that causes her to choke easily and frequently. As a newborn, she choked on breast milk! I didn’t sleep for a year and someone, usually me, held her upright pretty much all night. Starting solid food and self-feeding had me physically shaking. She’s choked so many times and needed to be Heimliched and use the dechoker. We’re frequent flyers at the ER.

She’s 3.5 now and it’s getting better. She goes to preschool and has a de choker in her backpack and knows she has to take small bites. She’s only choked once at school and the teachers handled it well.

But the thought of having a second child sends me into a true panic spiral. I know I can never go through that again. DD wants a sibling and loves babies. DH and I always said we’d have three kids and we’re both close to our siblings.

Honestly even writing this my hands are shaking! I can’t do it again.

Anyone else decide on a one-and-only for this reason?