Op here. I don’t want to reveal too much, but family knows because my brother and SIL don’t have a Xmas schedule agreement and instead hash it out each year. She won’t let my nephew be with us on Xmas Eve or morning - says he can do that next year. That happened two years ago too. She wants him the dates I’m visiting basically. So I asked if I could reach out to her. My brother / SIL said I could, but there’d be no hope. Anyway, I felt that their emails looked like demands and thought a kinder approach might make sense. I asked if there were any chance she could reconsider or, at the very least, let him come early enough Xmas day that our kids could wait to do stockings. (After dinner, as she proposed, is just too long for my kids who are still little.) I ended with “either way, I appreciate your consideration. As a reminder, I’ll only be home these dates, so if you would like to do tea let me know which date works.” I sent a draft to my new SIL since I felt they should know, and the shit hit the fan that I would be kind to former SIL when she’s being so challenging. I said to new SIL that I’m devastated that my nephew (now 10) won’t be with us for my 3rd visit in a row and if being kind increases room to negotiate then it’s worth it. (We can’t change because my sister’s huge extended family - her DH is one of many sibs - gets together in even years and has done that for about 20 years so it’s too hard to rearrange).

Anonymous wrote:Do you get to see your nephew outside of visits with your ex SIL? If not, then I'd definitely maintain the relationship in order to maintain one with your nephew. I also think it is nice for your nephew to see that you and his mom are cordial.

Does the ex SIL ever initiate texts of that nature with you? Or is she just responding? It may be that the relationship causes her a little discomfort.

Personally, I'd probably just let the plans for tea fizzle in order to keep the peace with your brother and his new spouse. You've proven no ill-will with your ex SIL so you've done your part to keep a bridge. The birthday texts are nice and I think harmless. I'd probably keep ex SIL in an arms length but friendly position.

I like this advice

Let them feel furious -- it that is what they choose
Op, it sounds like you are extending just the right amount of attention to your ex-SIL
Ignore those who are furious. Don't discuss it with them, at all.

Its time to let the relationship with your ex-SIL go. It doesn't sound like you're very close and its upsetting your actual family members. Let it fizzle out.

Anonymous wrote:Do you get to see your nephew outside of visits with your ex SIL?

Already answered in the OP:

Moreover, if I see them every other year and staying friendly means I get an extra afternoon of my kids seeing their cousin that seems worth remaining cordial.

How does your brother even know about it?

Why does your brother know that you reached out? You shouldn't have told them.

I’m in my 40’s
My aunt and uncle divorced when I was a kid. She is still my aunt. My grandmother kept a relationship with her, calls, weekend visits. My uncle remarried but we still kept the original aunt.
People need to be mature.

Imo if there’s a kid it’s great to keep family connections cordial, if not close. That could really help your nephew at some point. Like at his wedding.

My ex-SILs (two of them) have done some truly appalling things, but DH comes from a large, immigrant family and their response has been to just take the punches. One ex-SIL tried to extort us for several thousand and when we would not pay, got the $$$ from my MIL. The other regularly creates family drama and does everything she can to create bad feelings between her kids and their dad. DH's family just deals with it with as little drama as possible and keeps going. No one stops talking to anyone. They're all still included in family events.

Part of it is about the kids, but they're also all from the same village and people have to live with each other whether they like it or not.

I can't decide if my in-laws have the better answer than the shunning that typically happens in American families.

Brother and new SIL need to suck it up.

Do you get to see your nephew outside of visits with your ex SIL? If not, then I'd definitely maintain the relationship in order to maintain one with your nephew. I also think it is nice for your nephew to see that you and his mom are cordial.

Does the ex SIL ever initiate texts of that nature with you? Or is she just responding? It may be that the relationship causes her a little discomfort.

Personally, I'd probably just let the plans for tea fizzle in order to keep the peace with your brother and his new spouse. You've proven no ill-will with your ex SIL so you've done your part to keep a bridge. The birthday texts are nice and I think harmless. I'd probably keep ex SIL in an arms length but friendly position.

Barring egregious abuse you are free to have your own relationship with your former SIL.

Ps - she responded to the tea text “that sounds lovely. Safe travels”

So we have no specific plans and it’s easy to let it fizzle if that’s the right call.

My brother and ex SIL divorced 5 years ago. I travel to visit family at Christmas every other year, so 4 years ago I saw her - she had me and my kids I’ve got make cookies with her kids and we chatted a little. When I visited my family (parents and brother live near each other) in 2019, she and I texted about meeting up, but didn’t prioritize it, so I haven’t seen her since that visit 4 years ago. We text occasionally - she and my brother are very acrimonious and I don’t want to say anything she could use against him so my texts are things like “happy birthday, I hope it’s great!” Or “I saw your favorite movie was on TV tonight and thought of you. Hope all’s well”

About a month ago I said “I’ll be in the area these dates. It’s been a long time and I look forward to seeing everyone. I’m happy to give you space - I know it’s a busy time of year - but if you’d like to say hi over tea let me know.”

My brother and his wife (my family in general) are furious that I’ve offered to see her given how she’s treated him (according to them). I suspect the treatment is as bad as they say, but that he also treats her badly. The thing is, she’s my nephew’s mom. I do hope she’s doing well and she was in my life for over a decade. Moreover, if I see them every other year and staying friendly means I get an extra afternoon of my kids seeing their cousin that seems worth remaining cordial. But I probably sacrifice some family peace.

Part of me feels my allegiance is due to my brother and his family. Part of me feels that it’s ridiculous that they require their drama to also make me cut off a person who’s done nothing directly to me. I’d welcome advice. Thanks.