Telling an American to go to therapy is a laugh. It’s impossible to find a provider you can afford or who takes insurance that is also accepting new patients that also isn’t absolutely terrible. Finding a good therapist you can afford is impossible here.

This issue is on point for so many people.

OP here - I don't think I have a backbone at all. I do feel as if I have to manage DH's emotions - most of the time this is fine, but there are times when 1) I avoid him b/c I know what he's doing will cause frustration and anger 2) I've done things I didn't want to so he could feel better about a situation (and I've regretted it). 3) he used to tell me some things were not worth getting upset about - And I bought it. Maybe for him, but for me, it is useful to get upset and express my emotions and then move on. Just trying to figure out how to do that again.

It's been a long time since he has said, "I know I'm the worst person in the world ..." and for that I'm glad. But I don't have any reason to believe he's grown past that. In fact, it's possibly that I don't do anything to make him say that.

I've considered that he's controling before. But at he same time he's a super engaged father, does a lot for us, an equal partner in everything.

But he literally says black if I say white, if I say something, anything almost, he'll have to temper it with his own take on it, or basically disagree with anything I assert (e.g. I say "the Mayflower had about 100 passengers" an he'll say, no, I think it was more than that more like 150") or go check it on Google. When I've pointed this out to him, he's said, "that's not true" (and proving my point).

I just want to be a better role model for my kids.

I can't believe OP started a post about this...this article resonated so much with me, I took notes.

I am so trained to do all the work. And my DH does monday morning quarterbacking.

However; I don't really see the leap from "manipulative" to "abuse." Abuse is a pretty strong word, and we have a good marriage.

That aside, this column has given me clarity and I will name the manipulation when it happens, and tell him to stop catastrophizing.

I would actually give him the article to read, but I think he'd dismiss it when she goes on about "abuse". Ironically, that feels like catastrophizing, to call it that.

I grew up in this type of household, trained by mom to manage dads emotions from the youngest age. I didn’t fully realize how broken it was (and I was) until I watched grandma coaching my 3 year old to manage grandpa’s big feelings by ignoring her own.

I hope this letter writer goes to therapy and gets the backbone my mom never did.

Anonymous wrote:I thought Hax’s response was so on point. It doesn’t matter whether the writer is a man or a woman or who their spouse is. The dynamic of “You’re making me feel bad” when asked for help is manipulative.

Really depends how the request comes. If the needs and wishes are owned and stated clearly and kindly (as Hax puts it) that’s one thing. If it comes in the form of berating someone and giving multiple critical and biased examples of what’s wrong with your partner then that is a problem.

I thought Hax’s response was so on point. It doesn’t matter whether the writer is a man or a woman or who their spouse is. The dynamic of “You’re making me feel bad” when asked for help is manipulative.

I thought most on DCUM hate men.

Hax is a freak. She went the same route Paltrow did. Thinks she's a disciple or something. And she hates men.

Yes Op, this type of " I'm so terrible" response is pure manipulation. Name it when it happens.

Anonymous wrote:If this refers to a printed column you need to paste it here or go home.

or, you can wait until tomorrow and read it online and respond tomorrow.

It isn’t online yet. It’s in the Sunday paper. I’ll go home.

If this refers to a printed column you need to paste it here or go home.

For Sunday November 28. It really resonated with me. However, I can’t think of any examples - I think I’m at the point where I have stopped asking for things because I always got that retort. (although I recently started asking for physical help again, like putting things that go up high away). Or maybe we just have a better relationship? I don’t think it’s that. I’m not sure what I’m asking here - with a lack of evidence there is no way to say I’m actually in a controlling relationship. But I think Maybe I’ve given up my soul in exchange for peace