Anonymous wrote:Here is the Southern school thing again. Imagine you planted the bias in their head so live with it and reflect on your stupidity and hope they get into UVA.

this. It is incredible the bias and elitism that is still "acceptable" in 2021. SMH at OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are touring a college over Thanksgiving week. They have a fall preview day. The college has offered my daughter a full ride. I want to present a neutral attitude, however I want her to realize this is her best shot to graduate school debt free. I can graduate her debt free with her PhD degree if she takes advantage of going here. I don't want to come on too strong. We are spending two days meeting with her departments for under graduate and the direct admit graduate school she applied to. They also have a day of talks about dorms, walk the campus etc. If i oversell it she will not want to go just to do the opposite of what i want. She has been to see over 20 schools and has only liked UVA and Delaware Valley. She is concerned she is a child from and urban area and this is a southern school. She doesn't think her values will align. Any recommendations would be helpful.

There is the problem. She does the meetings. You sit in the parking lot or on a bench outside. She goes and looks at the dorms (which will look like 99% of every dorm you have already seen) and you smile and nod your head.

I agree. Back off. You don't go to the meetings. You need to not push the school at all. Once she's seen the schools, you can have an objective talk about finances, and what you can afford to pay, and what that will mean in terms of debt. It's not your job to "sell" the school.

Anonymous wrote:Her values won't align?

My French cousin went to Duke. My French-Vietnamese nephew is going to Harvard. I went to grad school at UMD, and most students in my department were from India and China.

People, if foreigners can uproot themselves, cross oceans, leave their families, learn English well enough to study at a high level and make it in the USA, your precious little snowflakes had better get with the program.

An immigrant professor of mine (from a very different culture) once said that if you know yourself and your values, you can live anywhere. So I agree with you, but trying to argue the point with OP's DD might be counterproductive.

Let her make the decisions about which parts of the day to attend.

Ask questions instead of making statements. What YOU thought of the building/tour/speaker isn't as important at this point. Let her articulate what she thought of things.

Ask clarifying statements, if needed, but don't push. As you can see from the funny threads about why colleges came off lists or went on lists, sometimes kids have a hard time saying exactly what they are feeling about a college. If you sit back and let her figure it out, that's better than jamming your opinions into the conversation.

I would investigate what kind of study abroad or study off-site (like “semester in Washington” or for a marine science student, at a marine science institute that the university is affiliated with.) Or distance learning options, graduating early, etc. This would give her an “escape” option for at least part of the time if she finds herself truly unhappy—sort of a risk mitigation tactic. She could study abroad even in Canada, if she wants to be close by.
If she’s being recruited to play a sport, it might be more tricky to be non-residential. But perhaps taking summer classes elsewhere in the summer might be an option to help her graduate with less time on campus?
Second, I’d look into clubs, societies, etc on-campus that may be likely to attract fellow students that share her values…e.g., political clubs, model UN, racial justice. Surely there are at least some students that she could find to click with. And when your in college, you’re not friends with the whole student body….as long as you have a core group, that’s enough, I’d think? And if there is some sort of campus-wide resistance to the causes that reflect her values, she can be a catalyst for change (ideally via the clubs etc.)

PhD? Wow you are planning too far ahead. In my view, it is a lot more important to go to a top school for PhD than to think about debt free. It makes a huge difference in academic career if you do a PhD at a top school. Not worth it if below t30 in my view. So, to get to that t30 for PhD you want to go to the most academically rigorous college and not the one with the full ride. Also, PhD is a super tough gig, definitely not for everyone. How do you even know if that is what she would want to do after college? It is like assuming a kindergartener would definitely want to go to law school

Her values won't align?

My French cousin went to Duke. My French-Vietnamese nephew is going to Harvard. I went to grad school at UMD, and most students in my department were from India and China.

People, if foreigners can uproot themselves, cross oceans, leave their families, learn English well enough to study at a high level and make it in the USA, your precious little snowflakes had better get with the program.

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how a rebel teenage would like UVA. It seems more like a place for popular kids.

You obviously have no clue about UVA so sit this one out.

Here is the Southern school thing again. Imagine you planted the bias in their head so live with it and reflect on your stupidity and hope they get into UVA.

I don't see how a rebel teenage would like UVA. It seems more like a place for popular kids.

Anonymous wrote:We are touring a college over Thanksgiving week. They have a fall preview day. The college has offered my daughter a full ride. I want to present a neutral attitude, however I want her to realize this is her best shot to graduate school debt free. I can graduate her debt free with her PhD degree if she takes advantage of going here. I don't want to come on too strong. We are spending two days meeting with her departments for under graduate and the direct admit graduate school she applied to. They also have a day of talks about dorms, walk the campus etc. If i oversell it she will not want to go just to do the opposite of what i want. She has been to see over 20 schools and has only liked UVA and Delaware Valley. She is concerned she is a child from and urban area and this is a southern school. She doesn't think her values will align. Any recommendations would be helpful.

There is the problem. She does the meetings. You sit in the parking lot or on a bench outside. She goes and looks at the dorms (which will look like 99% of every dorm you have already seen) and you smile and nod your head.

She is likely right that her values will not align. Don't force her to go somewhere she will be, at best, miserable.

Anonymous wrote:We are touring a college over Thanksgiving week. They have a fall preview day. The college has offered my daughter a full ride. I want to present a neutral attitude, however I want her to realize this is her best shot to graduate school debt free. I can graduate her debt free with her PhD degree if she takes advantage of going here. I don't want to come on too strong. We are spending two days meeting with her departments for under graduate and the direct admit graduate school she applied to. They also have a day of talks about dorms, walk the campus etc. If i oversell it she will not want to go just to do the opposite of what i want. She has been to see over 20 schools and has only liked UVA and Delaware Valley. She is concerned she is a child from and urban area and this is a southern school. She doesn't think her values will align. Any recommendations would be helpful.

Students (people) should not do PhD programs that are not paid for by the school (however they fund it). Maybe you will provide your child with support throughout her doctorate or pay for medical school or whatever, but do not make your case about you paying for a PhD.

Step back and let her take it all in, OP. the more you say, the more she will push back.

We are touring a college over Thanksgiving week. They have a fall preview day. The college has offered my daughter a full ride. I want to present a neutral attitude, however I want her to realize this is her best shot to graduate school debt free. I can graduate her debt free with her PhD degree if she takes advantage of going here. I don't want to come on too strong. We are spending two days meeting with her departments for under graduate and the direct admit graduate school she applied to. They also have a day of talks about dorms, walk the campus etc. If i oversell it she will not want to go just to do the opposite of what i want. She has been to see over 20 schools and has only liked UVA and Delaware Valley. She is concerned she is a child from and urban area and this is a southern school. She doesn't think her values will align. Any recommendations would be helpful.