Anonymous wrote:Thank you. I will add she always is guilting us about not seeing the grandkids more (she can’t afford to visit often because of poor financial decisions and failing to save for her retirement) and asking when we will move back to her area (despite us owning our home here). So I just feel very picked at whenever she arrives and whenever I try to
Broach different topics - current events, what’s going on with the kids, things to do in the neighborhood, etc - she retreats to all of the aforementioned topics. So I guess part of my frustration is we have the same visit, conversationally, that we have every time she comes. She has zero interest in doing new activities with the kids, exploring our area, or even getting out of the house for a walk.

You need to just reframe your thinking. She is emotionally stunted and fixated on certain things. I have a kid with profound special needs. As a result, I’ve been watching the same Peppa Pig episodes for more than a decade. I could let it drive me insane or I could try to tune it out and ignore it. Ignoring works best for me. Now my husband has managed to learn to love Peppa Pig and revel in the backstory for every character. I doubt you can get there with your MIL, but just do your best to tune it out, leave the room, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Mil bingo. Make a bingo card just for you of the behaviors. Decide in advance what each row/column/diangle is worth as a special treat for you. Maybe have a secret stash of something you can dip into for each "win"? Or maybe each win is a run to the grocery store because you "forgot" something. Or maybe a mani pedi when she's gone. Whatever works for you. Make it a fun game when you are the only winner.

OMG I just got done with an annoying long weekend visit with my IL’s and I could make a whole bingo card about it. MIL pretends to have mobility issues so she can hold my husband’s hand while walking (not … my FIL’s hand/arm … and they’ve been married for many years …) Muttered comments in their unintelligible regional accent. Complaints about our house. Complaints about the traffic/weather/etc. Complaints about Biden. When one of my kids asks them to repeat themselves because they both mumble too much. 😂😂😂

This is just how a lot of older people are. It’s irritating, I know. I think you just have to deal with it unfortunately. Try to work in regular “breaks” when she’s there. You forgot something at the store or need an unexpected ingredient for a dish you’re making. You’re going out for a run/walk. You’re dropping off leftovers for a friend who’s stuck at home with Covid. You’re going to grab coffee - would anyone else like anything while I’m out?

Or if she gets around reasonably well, how about some more activities so you aren’t sitting around the house getting annoyed with each other? Could you all go to the playground with the kids or to a museum? Where is your husband in all this, can he run some interference while you get some time alone?

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. I will add she always is guilting us about not seeing the grandkids more (she can’t afford to visit often because of poor financial decisions and failing to save for her retirement) and asking when we will move back to her area (despite us owning our home here). So I just feel very picked at whenever she arrives and whenever I try to
Broach different topics - current events, what’s going on with the kids, things to do in the neighborhood, etc - she retreats to all of the aforementioned topics. So I guess part of my frustration is we have the same visit, conversationally, that we have every time she comes. She has zero interest in doing new activities with the kids, exploring our area, or even getting out of the house for a walk.

“Yes, they love seeing you! Check with Bill about scheduling the next visit.”

“We love seeing you. We’re not moving.”

If she persists, find a reason to leave the room. Or the house. As I mentioned, you make this a deal with DH: Your promise is that you will do your utmost not to let your irritation show; but in order to help with that, you’re going to do housework in another room, or go to bed early, or go run errands, or meet a friend for coffee. So he runs “primary” on her, and you will do your best to keep a bland smile on your face.

What you seem to be stuck on is that you can fix or change her. She sounds pretty irritating, I will give you that. And? So? There’s lots of irritating people in this world. It’s not a crime to be an old person who repeats stories and wants grandkids to dote on her. Like…so what. All you can change is YOU, OP, and I haven’t really seen you take ownership of that.

Honestly I don’t think any of this is that bad. Just tune her out.

All of these behaviors are irritating, and that's about the extent of it. I actually don't think there's anything to address other than not hanging wet paintings up.

She sounds like an old lady that doesn't have a lot of people around to listen to her stories.

I'd suggest planning her future visits where your husband is around a good bit of the time and he can take her out with the kids while you "catch up on chores," which can mean actually doing some task or reading a book.

Meditate, pray, go exercise every morning. In all honesty, I think you just need a little patience and spousal support.

Add activities! Have DH take his mom out for a drive, out for lunch, even a sightseeing tour.

Have things that YOU have to do-take your nursing baby out and about with you (then just drive away for a few hours, go to a new playground and sit) and have MIL babysit the others.

Could you embark on an at home project while MIL is visiting and be over the up grateful that she can watch your kids while you do X in another room? I’m thinking; pulling out your winter clothes or filling a bag with donations that you’ll immediately drive to a thrift store? Or, even laundry - get in all done.

Limit your one on one time with MIL. Do something engaging as a family. A walk around the neighborhood? Have MIL play a board game or bake cookies with older kids?

What you describe is VERY similar to my MIL. None of it is egregious, or mean-spirited, or manipulative, just extremely annoying.

My advice for you, based on years of experience, is to not try to control her in any way, but rather adjust your own mindset. This is an old woman with annoying quirks. Endure it, zone out when you need to. And take frequent "naps" to get some time away.

Mil bingo. Make a bingo card just for you of the behaviors. Decide in advance what each row/column/diangle is worth as a special treat for you. Maybe have a secret stash of something you can dip into for each "win"? Or maybe each win is a run to the grocery store because you "forgot" something. Or maybe a mani pedi when she's gone. Whatever works for you. Make it a fun game when you are the only winner.

Thank you. I will add she always is guilting us about not seeing the grandkids more (she can’t afford to visit often because of poor financial decisions and failing to save for her retirement) and asking when we will move back to her area (despite us owning our home here). So I just feel very picked at whenever she arrives and whenever I try to
Broach different topics - current events, what’s going on with the kids, things to do in the neighborhood, etc - she retreats to all of the aforementioned topics. So I guess part of my frustration is we have the same visit, conversationally, that we have every time she comes. She has zero interest in doing new activities with the kids, exploring our area, or even getting out of the house for a walk.

Keep reminding yourself the visit is temporary and she will eventually leave. Then ignore as much as possible. If you can get her to babysit, even for a short time, do it. Grandparents are way better when you’re not there.

When she states you should nurse, maybe retreat to a bedroom with the baby and do whatever you please for awhile.

I would sit down and tell DH:

1) I will work on not showing my irritation. You are right: she is a guest in my home, and I should do my best to be pleasant and to leave the room if I am starting to lose my patience.

2) What will help me with this is if YOU take the lead in entertaining her and cleaning up after her. She makes a mess in this house, and you either need to nip it in the bud by asking her to clean up after herself, or you need to do the cleaning. I will not be cleaning up her messes. I also need you to lead the conversation as much as possible so that I can just smile and mentally check out when I need to. I also am going to do chores around the house and run errands to try to get breaks, so you’re taking the lead and I’m leaving you to it.

So basically, give what you can.

A lot of this is so understandable about old people: of course she wants to talk about her memories, her relatives, family resemblances—this is common. This is her “imprinting” on you younger folks so that she won’t be forgotten after she dies. You being irritated with her about this is about as reasonable as you being irritated with a little kid for telling rambling stories or a teenager for sulking and withdrawing.

You nurse when you nurse. If she tells you baby needs to nurse and it’s not time, just “Mmm hmm uh huh” her. Don’t engage.

Her trying to get a reaction from your kids over gifts has nothing to do with you—the natural consequence of that irritating behavior is that they won’t like spending time with grandma as they get older. OK.

Like, a lot of this is purely ignore-able.

All you can control here is you. Is there a way to structure the visit so you actually see less of her? Like have your husband take her out to dinner for some son/mom time? Is she competent enough to watch the kids while you go out yourself or on a date with your husband?

All of this would drive me batty. But I can also imagine how it frustrates your husband that you cannot just nod and smile through most of this.

My MIL will be staying with us for a week for the holidays and I am totally dreading it. As I’ve gotten older and now that we have two kids and life is much more complicated, my tolerance for her is just at an all time low. There are some specific behaviors she has that drive me bonkers, and I need new techniques/responses for dealing with her. Specifically, here’s what I need ideas for:

-she tells me the same stories over and over about my partner as a child. We have been together 14 years and it’s not dementia - she just likes to tell the same stories to people over and over again that she thinks are endearing (they aren’t—just to her) and she expects me to be enthralled and act like I have never heard them before. When I try to interject politely, “oh yes, you’ve told us about how Larla dumped trucks in the toilet when he was 2,” or gently tease her, “I think I’ve heard this one quite a few times before, didn’t X happen next,” she doesn’t take the hint and keeps telling the same story.

-she is constantly talking about the past and all her deceased relatives and how the holidays were so much better when they were around. She resists any attempts I make to divert the topic, and my attempts to get her to stop sitting around lamenting the past and create new holiday memories (let’s go look at lights, let’s go to the zoo, etc) and rebuffed.

-I am nursing. Whenever my babies or toddlers get fussy, she tells me they need to nurse or will announce in a passive aggressive way, “I think Larla needs to
Nurse.” She nursed her kids on demand whenever they wanted or fussed about anything and I don’t do that and it frustrates me when she tries to dictate my nursing schedule.

-she is very loud and can’t moderate her noises - she slams doors, toilet seats, etc. and walks around with heavy feet when the babies are napping and never seems to remember to be quiet, but when they wake up it’s my problem.

-whenever DH or I express any frustration about anything (oh, Larla isn’t sleeping well or work is stressful or whatever) she always interrupts and says, “Oh I know.” I find it very rude and invalidating but I don’t know how to respond.

-she brings excessive amounts of gifts that often have tiny pieces, paint, glitter, or are duplicates of what we have. Then she insists on bringing them out and making a huge production of the kids opening them. If the kids don’t respond positively, she keeps trying to get them to play with her toys for the rest of her visit and keeps saying things like, did you see what I got Larla? It’s really so great. Etc.

-she doesn’t treat our home with care. At her last visit she insisted Larla make a collage with feathers and glitter paint she brought, and then immediately hung it up on the wall without letting it dry so the glitter paint ran down my walls and I had to clean it up. Her home is pretty sloppy but that is not how we keep our home and I was dumbfounded that an adult who had children would hang up a wet painting without letting it dry first.

-she constantly tells me how my kids look like her dead relatives (eg oh Larla has great aunt Louise’s nose) and never says anything about how they resemble me or my side of the family. My DH has admitted he thinks this is a tic of hers because she is sad our kids strongly resemble me and my family, but I feel so weird when she’s constantly talking about my kids and their features, especially since these are dead people and my older kid gets sad hearing about people who are dead and then goes down rabbit holes about it, like Grandma are you sad your mom is dead? How did she die? Etc.

Thank you for any ideas for how to it would address this, my husband thinks I’m a horrible daughter in law because he says I don’t hide my irritation from
Her on these things very well.