Anonymous wrote:I know two sets of friends who remained married after infidelity was discovered. One set was cordial and by all appearances, seemed happy in spite. Now divorcing because of continued infidelity. The other couple are staying together “for the kids,” sexless marriage and all that. The wife had a revenge affair, I’m not sure whether the husband found out.

Pro tip. There is no such thing as a sexless marriage. The husband is definitely having sex somewhere.

I think I could have moved past a brief affair or one night whoops. In our case it was an over year long affair. So many lies. So much deception. Financial drain to impress her. I was keeping all going at home with the kids and being made to feel I was not doing enough. He was irritable and distant with me because of all the "overtime" he was doing.

Anonymous wrote:I could see it happening.

It’s A LOT of work to divorce. I could see someone putting it off. I’d like to think that I would divorce immediately, but I’m so overwhelmed with the little kid stage of life that I could see myself staying and then inertia takes over.

I think that divorce may leave people worse off than staying after infidelity, especially with kids. There are things that are worse than infidelity in a marriage - abuse, addiction, dishonesty, inequity, selfishness, ego, etc.

Anonymous wrote:This is an extremely difficult thing to know or estimate. I would assume that the majority of couples that stayed together through cheating never shared that fact with anyone.

If I had to guess? I'll go with 1/4 of all marriages.

I know of two and I only know about them because in one case it was a close friend who confided in me (and only me) and in the other case it was my parents.

+1

Similar. I was shocked at one because they are both great people that have so much fun together and really seem to have true love. I think he just had a lot of baggage from childhood he needed to address. I am so glad they seem to have worked through it, but it definitely was rough going the first year or so after discovery.

I also think it matters if the infidelity was just a physical thing with no intention of ever leaving.

Personally, I don't see why infidelity is a deal-breaker in most marriages. If your marriage goes 'plural' for a while and survives, I say keep the marriage because it likely has a good foundation. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Anonymous wrote:We are happily married for decades. We have both had lapses of infidelity, sometimes emotional infidelity sometimes physical.

Each of the incidents have happened at times when we were personally struggling to meet some need. We both did it. We both get it. It happened years ago, we've moved past it. It doesn't mean our marriage isn't solid, it's gotten better with age. I think it's a sign of true love that we can forgive and move on.

+1

It matter is the “why” was addressed. If it’s not a pattern. If the cheater gets individual therapy and commits to transparency and the marriage. Learning those skills often makes for a happier marriage than it was pre-infidelity vs a marriage with no inside kitty that has festering resentment and avoidance or conflict or apathy.

I could see it happening.

It’s A LOT of work to divorce. I could see someone putting it off. I’d like to think that I would divorce immediately, but I’m so overwhelmed with the little kid stage of life that I could see myself staying and then inertia takes over.

We are happily married for decades. We have both had lapses of infidelity, sometimes emotional infidelity sometimes physical.

Each of the incidents have happened at times when we were personally struggling to meet some need. We both did it. We both get it. It happened years ago, we've moved past it. It doesn't mean our marriage isn't solid, it's gotten better with age. I think it's a sign of true love that we can forgive and move on.

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

In would not be shocked at all, that’s why I’m asking.

This is an extremely difficult thing to know or estimate. I would assume that the majority of couples that stayed together through cheating never shared that fact with anyone.

If I had to guess? I'll go with 1/4 of all marriages.

I know of two and I only know about them because in one case it was a close friend who confided in me (and only me) and in the other case it was my parents.

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean "overlook" as in the betrayed spouse knows about it and never addresses it? Or "overlook" as in acknowledge, work through it, and forgive?

Two very different things.

Both I guess.

There are a lot, a lot, of long marriages that have gone through it and nobody outside the marriage or even their kids know. Some of those happy marriages you envy, the loving couples you see- have been rocked by it at one point. You would be absolutely shocked.

I know two sets of friends who remained married after infidelity was discovered. One set was cordial and by all appearances, seemed happy in spite. Now divorcing because of continued infidelity. The other couple are staying together “for the kids,” sexless marriage and all that. The wife had a revenge affair, I’m not sure whether the husband found out.

Do you mean "overlook" as in the betrayed spouse knows about it and never addresses it? Or "overlook" as in acknowledge, work through it, and forgive?

Two very different things.

If the couple are good parents, work well together that way, no fighting, home life otherwise stable? I think the answer is A LOT but just curious to hear others responses. So often here it seems like people never get past this one thing.