OP—you’re asking for “productive” advice. With the situation you’ve giving, it’s like asking for advice on how to stay cool while you’re in the middle of a burning building.

Instead of trying to do things that manage their behavior, focus on re-setting YOUR mindset and behaviors.
-Stay in a hotel
-Stop caring that they are grumbling. Be okay with just ignoring.
-Go out for your own meals.
-Bring your own food.
-Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when they start commenting on eating.
-Again, stay in a hotel.
-Even better, stop visiting. If they want to see you, they can visit you.

OP here. It’s a semi-rural location, but we can go to a diner (and have) when they pull antics like not serving lunch. At the end of the day, DH and I do what we need to do to feed ourselves and our kids, and of course we always clean up after ourselves. We don’t mindlessly snack, but if the kids are hungry, we give them a string cheese and ignore the glares.

I guess we just have to either keep dealing with the glares and comments, or yes, hotel. (I can’t imagine getting an Air BnB in this rural NJ/PA location.) The hotel is like 20 minutes away, but maybe worth it. I think I’ll ask DH what he thinks of telling them, “Unless you promise not to make food a big deal, we’re going to stay in a hotel. Which do you prefer?”

All you can do is control you and do right by your own family. You are already doing enough by not letting them control what you and your kids eat. You can't control what they say.

Leave it alone and don't let it get to you.

Anonymous wrote:“Can I get you to agree that you’re responsible for what you eat and I’m responsible for my family? That means no comments on what we are eating at any time. If this is a problem we will just stay somewhere else.”

Do you want to provoke a confrontation? No, they will never agree to this. And threatening to stay is hostile. This approach is quite frankly, stupid. It’s starting a fight that will create hard feelings and solve nothing.

You know what they are like. They’re not going to change. If you’re going to stay in a hotel you need to decide ahead of time, announce it as fact and ignore all complaints. If you’re going to stay with them you need to decide that your family does eat lunch every day and do that. I would say we’re “going to get some air” or “get a coffee” and go out for a big lunch every day. Ignore complaints, but I also would not talk about where we went out to eat and I would instruct the kids to not talk about it either. So, in short do whatever works for you but be discreet about it.

First I'd scold them, and tell them that it's not healthy for children to eat so infrequently, and that you're used to to eating 3 times a day as well, and don't feel like changing. Remind then that they used to raise kids and eat 3 times a day as well, so why would they be so selfish as to be rude hosts??? Use those words, because they really deserve it.

Second, I would privately accept that old people get really weird (my 70 year old father has become SO WEIRD!), and it stems from anxiety, loss of functioning, and inability to adapt to changes in routine. Even though you might achieve some level of guilt, they will never be comfortable again with a different use of their kitchen and different mealtimes, because they're in decline.

Third, you have two options going forward: either barge in and insist on using their kitchen, bring food, etc, and bulldoze over all complaints (but please clean up and put everything back where it belonged, otherwise it'll be a HUGE source of anxiety for them!). Or you can get an AirBnB nearby (or a hotel, but that's less Covid-safe), and have a leisurely breakfast there, so you can enjoy lunch and dinner at their house.

Old age sucks, OP. But the alternative is worse!

I would just ignore. Bring food and cook it for kids etc. offer some to inlaws. Clean up of course and be polite. "Breakfast is imoortant for us and the kids so they are not grumbling and whiny"."based on my experience with my family we prefer to eat more earlier in the day than a big dinner".

I would stop visiting. That's outrageous. They sound like major PIAs.

It’s not a typical story.
Just ignore the grumbling. You can’t control that. Keep what you are doing and stop engaging on the rest.

What’s the location like?

Can you easily go for a walk or a drive and get food out somewhere? Are you going to have access to a car? Advice depends so much on where you’re going. If it’s a more rural area with nothing nearby you might just have to buy a bunch of snack bars and Pringles that you keep in your car and eat as needed.

Either way, I would bring a huge fruit/cheese basket and eat that as well.

Anonymous wrote:Stay in a hotel.

+1

I wouldn't consider anything less.

I wouldn’t stay with him if I had kids. Tell them why too, or get your spouse too.

Stay in a hotel.

You are never going to change them. Just bring your own food and ignore their antics.

“Can I get you to agree that you’re responsible for what you eat and I’m responsible for my family? That means no comments on what we are eating at any time. If this is a problem we will just stay somewhere else.”

We’re about to go visit ILs for Thanksgiving, and it’s the typical story: there is no food in the house, they are weird about food, they hover/monitor/observe food preparation and consumption, they “close the kitchen,” etc.

We’ve tried sticking up for ourselves by bringing our own food and going out when we need to, and still they whine and grumble and criticize. I’m willing to ignore those antics, because at the end of the day, I’m not going to make myself or my kids uncomfortable, or teach my kids that it isn’t OK to eat three meals a day. (ILs only eat two meals a day and make a big production about how breakfast should be light because “it will be a big dinner,” and it’s not.) But I’d prefer not to hear grumbling, and wonder if anyone has managed to solve this problem without poking the bear. TIA for any productive advice!