“We’ve already accepted an invitation from another family for that day. You still have an open invitation to come to us - anytime during the year in fact - so pick another day and we’ll celebrate. It really has been ages since you’ve been available to come. Can you maybe fit in for Larla’s winter concert or Larlo’s hockey game?” That may subtly remind them that they always decline.

My parents and ILs are both like this, which means none of them has ever made a kids birthday party or graduation or any other event, but then they get mad at us when we spend the holiday with the other set.

I solved this by saying “we don’t travel on holidays— too expensive and crowded. Happy to see you guys any other time of year!” And just ignoring the fallout. They have had decades to figure this out, I’m sick of it. And sick of sacrificing holidays (literally the only time during the year when kids and adults have time off from work/school at the same time) for people who cannot be bothered. Done with this selfish BS.

They also like to lavish our kids with gifts that are the wrong age or otherwise inappropriate and them throw a fit if the kid isn’t sufficiently enthusiastic. It’s like, guess what grandma? If you took an actual interest in their lives instead of just daydreaming up ridiculous antiquated outfits for them to wear in your photos, maybe you’d be capable of buying a gift they’d enjoy.

Tell DH you aren't going. Then leave it up to him to talk to his parents. Done.

100% with you OP. It is completely ok to set boundaries.

One of the nicest Christmases we've had was one where it was just the four of us have a relaxed, nice day together.

Omg. You have articulated what goes on with us too. It’s not just holidays, but the IDEA of visits and vacations together too. The reality is that they nap, do their own events and workouts, or just want an audience to their lives. We don’t fall for it anymore.

My parents are like this. So now I only
Visit when it’s convenient for me and my family and that does not include holidays.

Are they wealthy OP? My inlaws aren’t as bad as yours sound but that is part of how I put up with them. Sorry, it’s just the truth.

OP here. Thank you for your empathy and suggestions. It’s been hard to articulate these thoughts let alone share them with others.

I would talk to your DH and if he's amenable, spend one of these holidays each year with his parents, one with your friends or family, and one where you host and invite his parents to you (and other people too if you want). You or DH can announce the change to his parents and ask them if they have a preference for which holiday is which. Prepare for whining. Hold strong. Keep inviting them to other stuff: great of they come, and probably a relief for you if they don't.

You have my stamp of approval OP. Absolutely.

Tell them you have other plans but are happy to get together soon. “Do you have your calendars handy? Let’s plan some dates.”

If they decline to make any other plans with you, you can say, “You know, we are going to choose to spend our holidays with friends and family who make time for us throughout the year, not just on holidays when they can show off family pictures.”

Keep the interactions short. Minimal language. “We’ve made other plans for this year. How about we get together at our house the Saturday after Thanksgiving.”

Rinse and repeat.

"Sorry we have decided to spend the holidays with family."

If they question, then follow up with people who wish to spend time with you more than 3 times a year.

I learned to say no to my parents who are like that. I have zero interest in putting on a show for the holidays when they have zero interest in us otherwise. They find time for everyone but us. Our holidays are so much better now.

I've been married for 15 years. In that time, my DH and I made dozens - hundreds? - of attempts to see / hang out with/ visit my in-laws. With the exception of a handful of invites from DH and me, my in-laws always had other things to do (bingo night, church, book club, so-and-so's birthday, etc). This despite the fact that they live 45 minutes away in Bowie, MD. Whether my kids' birthdays or milestones or events (dance recitals or playoffs) or just wanting to have them over for dinner - or bring lunch / dinner to them - they've repeatedly rebuffed our attempts to be with them over the years.

EXCEPT (EXCEPT!) for holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter - well, then we're invited. We absolutely must come to their house. We must celebrate the holiday. We must be together as a family. Let's take a family photo and put it in the Christmas card and post it on Facebook and share it with our friends as if the fact that we're together is the norm. When it is not.

I'm done. I've done this for a decade and a half. If feel like we're a holiday prop. What Covid allowed us (DH, me) to recognize is how much we preferred not seeing my in-laws. We'd much rather spend the holidays with our family of choice - friends and dear ones who may not be biologically family but are willing participants in DH's and my life.

The calls from the in-laws have started coming in this week about us coming to them for Thanksgiving. I don't want to go. Haven't fully discussed with DH - think he feels the same. Our kids love their grandparents but, candidly, they spend far more quality time with members of our family of choice than anyone they're a blood relative to.

Would appreciate thoughtful perspectives. Guess I'm looking for a sanity check and validation.