OP here. Thanks for the useful responses. It is true that I have found myself in a codependent relationship with my friend. I am in therapy and have been thinking a lot about it. The reason for trying to offer some specifics about the friend is to clarify the dynamic. You are all correct that I worded it as a “help me diagnose this”; it isn’t really pertinent what the diagnosis is, though. It’s just the level of issue (the suicidal stuff, the drug use, for examples) that I’m trying to get across. So when I try to express boundaries there has been blowback that is very scary. I just don’t know if others have had success in these types of scenarios when trying to become not codependent. Like if you express a boundary and your friend winds up in a ditch, what do you do? I know I’m supposed to not take ownership but how do you navigate this?

Anonymous wrote:I had an ex-GF with BPD. She never admitted it to me, but told me she was in therapy for depression. She had both a psychiatrist and a psychologist.

She clearly had both BPD and depression. Massive fear of abandonment issues. She basically checked every box on the list. I think a lot of BPD patients won't admit it because they don't want to drive people away.

It was the most unhealthy relationship in my life. So many up's and down's, threats toward me. I eventually broke it off when she moved away for a PhD program (she could clearly manage her professional duties and she was a very hard academic worker). She expected that we would continue long-distance, but I extricated myself from the relationship. Her parents were so upset that I ended it, because it was pretty clear they believed I was going to "take over" her care from them. Her mother was so angry.

It was such a toxic situation and I'm very relieved I did not commit my life to her. I would've been miserable.

Thank goodness. Your life would have been ruined.
Unf it’s not uncommon for parents to try to marry off their troubled sins and daughters (bpd, bipolar, ASD). It often runs in the family, it’s their normal baggier (!!!!), and they just cannot see how toxic it is.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t try to armchair diagnose your friend. It won’t do any good. I recommend just focusing on maintaining boundaries in the friendship. That is important regardless of the diagnosis. Of course you might find info on how to be friends with somebody with BPD and that could be helpful. But her specific diagnosis is irrelevant.

Has she disclosed her diagnosis to her and what she is working on in what type of therapy?

Have her ask her therapist if there is anything helpful for a friend to read up on to help understand her, set boundaries and have an OK/healthy relationship. Otherwise you need to buck up and set boundaries or take a break from her.

I had an ex-GF with BPD. She never admitted it to me, but told me she was in therapy for depression. She had both a psychiatrist and a psychologist.

She clearly had both BPD and depression. Massive fear of abandonment issues. She basically checked every box on the list. I think a lot of BPD patients won't admit it because they don't want to drive people away.

It was the most unhealthy relationship in my life. So many up's and down's, threats toward me. I eventually broke it off when she moved away for a PhD program (she could clearly manage her professional duties and she was a very hard academic worker). She expected that we would continue long-distance, but I extricated myself from the relationship. Her parents were so upset that I ended it, because it was pretty clear they believed I was going to "take over" her care from them. Her mother was so angry.

It was such a toxic situation and I'm very relieved I did not commit my life to her. I would've been miserable.

I have a mother with BPD and would never continue a relationship with someone like this where the relationship was optional.

I think I get what you're driving at. Years ago I found myself in a friendship with someone who I now know had BPD. This lunatic had very good social skills and was successfully masking her BPD, but I had acquired very reliable information that she was inexplicably making trouble for me behind my back. I cut the friendship off very abruptly. She subsequently sowed all sorts of shade about me in the community. I wasn't the only fellow mom she'd made trouble for, but I'm a little bit socially awkward so it was hard for me to combat her retaliatory actions. Beware. These creeps seem to ENJOY destroying other peoples' good names. I would suggest a slow withdrawal from the friendship to minimize blowback.

OP - I have experience with this. I think you need to extricate yourself from this 'friendship'. And it will be harder than you think to let it go because these people are so mindboggling you can never resolve it or understand why they do what they do. Good luck.

OP it's impossible for us to help you diagnose your friend, and it's confusing to us why think it would be helpful to do so. You are not a mental health professional, and your friend is already under the care of a mental health professional and presumably a medical doctor if she is medicated. That's really not your role in her life.

But I can say that your OP and follow ups contain some classic signs of codependency and enabling behavior. A very, very common dynamic is where one person had mental health needs and concerns, and the other person is simultaneously trying to meet those needs while also judging/resenting that those needs exist. This might be the most common codependent relationship, especially between friends!

The best thing to do is to step back, remind yourself that your friend's mental health is not your responsibility, and set some healthy boundaries for yourself. I really suggest you learn to let go of your judgment, need to categorize your friend, or need to create a narrative for your relationship that casts your friend as a villain and you as a savior hero. Whatever is going on with her, it's her problem to solve and to live with. You can empathize and provide kindness and support, but you don't have to take her problems on as your own.

Are you her caretaker? Why would you do anything about it?

Anonymous wrote:Also, I expected abuse as response eventually, but I'm impressed that it was the first comment.

Lol. In the only two responses you have posted, you try to diagnose a personality disorder in a third party who is already in treatment with someone else, then portray yourself as somehow captive to this relationship that you are free to leave, and then claim that the person pointing this out is abusing you. Just a hunch but it seems you are in a pot/kettle situation and might benefit from treatment yourself.

Don’t try to armchair diagnose your friend. It won’t do any good. I recommend just focusing on maintaining boundaries in the friendship. That is important regardless of the diagnosis. Of course you might find info on how to be friends with somebody with BPD and that could be helpful. But her specific diagnosis is irrelevant.

Also, I expected abuse as response eventually, but I'm impressed that it was the first comment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean Borderline Personality Disorder. And what do you do about it? These are some characteristics of friend, when I looked up BPD:

**An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection

**A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel

**Impulsive and risky behavior, such as drug abuse

**Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection

Another one is copying everything I do. Friend is in therapy and on medication. The issue is how to extricate myself from the drama. Is it possible to maintain a friendship with someone like this?

Of course it’s possible. You sound like the drama addict in this dyad.

Huh. Ok. Why?

Anonymous wrote:I mean Borderline Personality Disorder. And what do you do about it? These are some characteristics of friend, when I looked up BPD:

**An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection

**A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel

**Impulsive and risky behavior, such as drug abuse

**Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection

Another one is copying everything I do. Friend is in therapy and on medication. The issue is how to extricate myself from the drama. Is it possible to maintain a friendship with someone like this?

Of course it’s possible. You sound like the drama addict in this dyad.

I mean Borderline Personality Disorder. And what do you do about it? These are some characteristics of friend, when I looked up BPD:

**An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection

**A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel

**Impulsive and risky behavior, such as drug abuse

**Suicidal threats or behavior or self-injury, often in response to fear of separation or rejection

Another one is copying everything I do. Friend is in therapy and on medication. The issue is how to extricate myself from the drama. Is it possible to maintain a friendship with someone like this?