When I couldn’t stand to hear any more of her snide comments to/about others including my sister and other best friend I realized it simply could not last. I begged off plans we had and emailed her (many years ago before people really texted!) saying maybe next time and then ghosted her (before ghosted was a term!)

Saw her recently by coincidence through a mutual friend and we ended up at brunch together. For a hot second I thought maybe I had acted too impulsively, but after about 20 minutes she was up to her same old stuff and it validated my decision.

When she couldn’t afford her share of rent because she got a boob job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^I think this is a common reason why friendships break up despite best intentions. For most people they don't even last 10-12 years because differences start coming up even in your 20s-early 30s like wanting to go to different restaurants or vacation differently etc. Seems like you guys made it way past that stage into your 40s.

But I've seen differences then creep up in the 40-50s too -- like if one friend is just trying to make good $$$ and solidify their own future/kids' education/retirement -- and the other friend has decided those things don't matter as much as "doing good in the world." Often the person just trying to make money isn't the one criticizing; often its the do-good person who is constantly looking at and making passive aggressive digs bc you chose to move to a nice town; good school district; send kids to private k-12; send kids to private colleges; retire early or whatever it may be and obviously being the person "on the defensive" for just living your life doesn't make for a good friendship.

Everyone wants to solidly their kids and their own future. Some people don’t have the luxury of doing it in only the way you describe. Most don’t have the luxury of doing it that way at all. People working to change the world have made it possible for you to do many of the things you want and to make good money in the way that you do. They are the reason for the laws that protect you. I understand that you don’t want this awareness baked into your relationships. But you aren’t “just living your life.” You are enjoying the benefits of the efforts of people like the “do-gooder” friend.

Pp here - I get it. But it’s not as if I say she shouldn’t being doing good or she needs to get a corporate job too so she can make money etc. She can live how she wants. What I don’t want is to be criticized ALL THE TIME for living how I want, which BTW is nice but nothing overly flashy. I’m not exactly a hedge fund manager or biglaw partner - we’re talking line attorney in house at a financial co with a good 401k, standard house in the suburbs etc. Nor am I doing anything like talking about flashy vacations or insisting that we drop $500 at dinner. I’m still the person who wants to chat for an hour over a burger at a bar.

Anonymous wrote:^I think this is a common reason why friendships break up despite best intentions. For most people they don't even last 10-12 years because differences start coming up even in your 20s-early 30s like wanting to go to different restaurants or vacation differently etc. Seems like you guys made it way past that stage into your 40s.

But I've seen differences then creep up in the 40-50s too -- like if one friend is just trying to make good $$$ and solidify their own future/kids' education/retirement -- and the other friend has decided those things don't matter as much as "doing good in the world." Often the person just trying to make money isn't the one criticizing; often its the do-good person who is constantly looking at and making passive aggressive digs bc you chose to move to a nice town; good school district; send kids to private k-12; send kids to private colleges; retire early or whatever it may be and obviously being the person "on the defensive" for just living your life doesn't make for a good friendship.

Everyone wants to solidly their kids and their own future. Some people don’t have the luxury of doing it in only the way you describe. Most don’t have the luxury of doing it that way at all. People working to change the world have made it possible for you to do many of the things you want and to make good money in the way that you do. They are the reason for the laws that protect you. I understand that you don’t want this awareness baked into your relationships. But you aren’t “just living your life.” You are enjoying the benefits of the efforts of people like the “do-gooder” friend.

^I think this is a common reason why friendships break up despite best intentions. For most people they don't even last 10-12 years because differences start coming up even in your 20s-early 30s like wanting to go to different restaurants or vacation differently etc. Seems like you guys made it way past that stage into your 40s.

But I've seen differences then creep up in the 40-50s too -- like if one friend is just trying to make good $$$ and solidify their own future/kids' education/retirement -- and the other friend has decided those things don't matter as much as "doing good in the world." Often the person just trying to make money isn't the one criticizing; often its the do-good person who is constantly looking at and making passive aggressive digs bc you chose to move to a nice town; good school district; send kids to private k-12; send kids to private colleges; retire early or whatever it may be and obviously being the person "on the defensive" for just living your life doesn't make for a good friendship.

Going thru this right now. It kind of hurts.

Age 41, friend is 45. Met when we were 25 and 29 working in NYC biglaw, very similar work lives etc. Our backgrounds/interests were entirely different though yet at that age and for the 10-12 years after, it didn't matter much as we just had a lot of fun. She is much more anti-corporate, civic minded etc., I'm much more - traditional views of success, make $$ etc. She did biglaw for 4 years (to pay off loans) and left for a non profit and a series of solo practice offices because she wanted to represent regular people. I stayed for 10 years and went in house in finance. We used to talk 1-2x/wk and text many times a week for YEARS, until ~March 2020.

In the last 2 years though no matter what topic comes up, she ALWAYS finds a way to bring it back to how unfair/unequal the world is; racism (we're different races but neither is white); how much wealthy people suck; progressive politics etc. She doesn't say it but she looks down on me for making $$$ rather than going into a helping job + leaving NYC for a better lifestyle/house etc. It's not that we always used to talk about careers/$$$, we didn't. But having someone who only wants to lecture about race/inequality has shown me how different our life views are.

Even recently she texted that she was so happy to see people in HER neighborhood (Harlem) having fun at a block party; I responded - yeah it's nice to see people out and having fun again here too. Her response - well it means more in MY neighborhood because the pandemic has been SO HARD for people here. I get it . . . your avg person in N Arlington tends not to work at Chipotle and teleworked, but my god do we ALWAYS have to discuss how put out certain populations are??

We barely talk now. Haven't spoken by phone in over a year. We'll go 1-2 months w/o texting; I usually break the silence and if she's in the mood we'll have a fun back and forth about TV/sports/whatever just like old times but if she isn't I don't even get a response or get a "K" type of response.

I had a really hard time watching my friend parent her kids--yelling at them, freaking out at the slightest misbehavior. Maybe it was too triggering or close to home for me, but I just couldn't be around it. I've tried to reconnect now that our kids are grown, but a lot of years have passed and it might be too late to have a close connection again. We'd bonded as teenagers over our traumatic childhood experiences and were in each other's weddings. She's one of the few people I'm still in touch with at all from that phase of my life but we talk only once a year or so now.

Happened to me twice! Both times I discovered they didn’t feel the way I thought they felt or weren’t the people I thought they were, and wanted to spare us both negative feelings

I think my best friend broke up with me. Have been friends for 30 years. She was my maid of honor. I was hers. She threw me my baby shower.

We are now in our 40s. I’m married with 3 kids. She is childless and twice divorced.

She hangs out with childless and divorced friends. She speaks negatively about some of our other friends with young kids, how they have lost their identities. I am sure she feels similarly about me.

Just grew apart with lifestyles and choices. We were super close since elementary school, but once we became adults he went down a spiraling road of heavy alcohol and possibly drugs. He became a party guy and I was focused on college.

We did still manage to hang out a few times but it was rarely with him being sober and a few times I had to lookout for him in his drunken mess. At that point, communication just started to dwindle and we had completely opposite lifestyles. I was progressing in school and he could barley keep a job or pass community college courses (but was always down to party), so I knew that our friendship wouldn’t last much longer.

Fast forward to today—we no longer talk but don’t have a “problem” with each other. Just grew apart.

^^ So sorry to hear this. ^^

Sounds like the friendship just ran its course.
These things happen unfortunately. 😟

It’s both our faults, and yet no one’s fault. we went down different roads. I got married and had kids several years before her and she always wanted to be child free and got married later. We didn’t enjoy the same things anymore and our schedules were completely opposite due to work and family commitments. There were attempts made by us both to repair or recover but we had grown so far apart by that point. Texts and calls gradually faded on both sides. No big fight or anything , it just faded away. It was sad and hard

We’ve been close for 25 yrs; met in grad school. I got married and 2 kids, 1 has ASD. She married a man who’s life centers around his church. She embraced this life.

She makes hurtful comments about my sons behavior. I know she feels she’s just being blunt but it just mean. Because of my son, my daughter opted to go to boarding school. She has opinions about that as well.

In grad school, we were a foursome. 1 of us is widowed, I’m divorced, 1 never married and she is married. We were discussing taking a girls trip and she won’t go without her husband.

If I call, he husband has to be a part of the conversation. I don’t want to talk to him. I still love her but we’ve really grown apart. We used to talk a few times a week. Now we talk every few months and it’s been almost 10 yrs since I visited her. The last time I saw her was about 4 yrs ago at our other friends husbands funeral.

I wouldn’t say we broke up. But we’ve definitely grown very far apart.

Anonymous wrote:I think I'm getting there and want to hear your stories.

Had a childhood friend who started screaming when she heard my mentoring boss was encouraging me to dress just like her "You're sexually harassing me!! I'm going to sue your..." Then when her still married father groped me she said "You can delete all his texts and the email you sent documenting the incident..." Hurt as she was one of my best friends for 26 years. Way better off now without her in my life, but it was a difficult thing to do. Hugs, OP. It sounds like you are at the soul-searching point.

I think I'm getting there and want to hear your stories.