I need to grey rock my SIL. She's not necessarily interested in me but she loves to argue just for arguing's sake. She's annoying. Thanks for the reminder.

OP, have a bit of a relationship with your Brother that doesn't involve her. Share an article you read. Go out for lunch. Keep it brief. Make in infrequent but a regular event. DO NOT TALK ABOUT HER (because it sounds like that conversation w/him would not help your relationship with him). You can ask, "if THEY have plans for ...." You can ask about "them". But the focus is on him. You and him. If he is not willing, to do this, at all, you also have a Brother problem.

Generally: look for love where others love you back
Otherwise your hurt is your own fault

You don't seem like a narcissist or other toxic personality for whom grey rocking is usually directed. Your sil sounds like a jerk. It's nice you want to try to connect with her, but maybe you should mirror her behavior. That should arouse some type of response.

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you even like her? She doesn’t seem likeable. I say this with kindness and compassion, but your post makes me wonder if you have self-esteem issues and/or a history of being socially rejected. Might be easier to ignore her right back; you have to know her behavior has nothing to do with you.

PP here who hoped for a sister-relationship with my SIL and got a dud. I thought she didn't like me for a long time too. But she's just...not interested. It's not personal.

I see what OP may mean about making it worse to disengage...things get too quiet and weird. But maybe it wouldn't be weird for her? Maybe she'd prefer it. I tend to engage my BIL or my own family when with my SIL and I just engage her less. Or wait for an actual opportunity. Does she want to talk about rescue puppies or the calories in a particular brand of salad dressing? THERE is my IN! Go! Does she want to go get coffee or take a walk or find some hobby or tv show we have in common to talk about? Nope.

After many years and much acceptance, I realize I wouldn't ever actually be friends with my SIL in real life. I'm not disappointed that WE don't have a relationship. I am disappointed that we are SILs, I guess? That we are a bad match. I don't mean that to be cruel, but it's the best way I can put it.

Who cares? Just be polite when you see her. You don’t have to have a special relationship with your SIL.

OP, do you even like her? She doesn’t seem likeable. I say this with kindness and compassion, but your post makes me wonder if you have self-esteem issues and/or a history of being socially rejected. Might be easier to ignore her right back; you have to know her behavior has nothing to do with you.

When you say she probably has a laundry list of infractions, do you actually have examples or are you just assuming because that's what it would take for you to behave that way? Unless you can actually think of concrete examples, she probably doesn't hate you. More likely she doesn't think about you at all. She simply doesn't care about you. I know you want to be close, but she doesn't. Nothing you can do to change that.

My SIL is kind of like this to me, but it's not grey rocking. She's just kind of quiet/cold/anti-social/anxious/overwhelmed and almost always responds to stories and prompts with 2-word answers. It's frustrating, and disheartening, and now what I wanted in a SIL, but it is what it is and she is who she is. Meh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she's just not being cold?

Grey rocking usually refers to being deliberately short and cold with the goal of not getting a rise or reaction or perpetuated frenzy out of someone. It's not just being short and cold because you don't want to talk to someone.

Grey rocking doesn’t involve being cold because that could produce an overreaction. The point is to be as uninteresting as possible.

Grey rocking is a deliberate response to an objectively manipulative or abusive person. If OP is truly being grey rocked, they are being perceived as behaving very badly. I don't get the sense they are, so again, maybe SIL is just cold or dislikes OP.

Can you clarify what you are doing? Why do you think doing less will be “socially worse”? I do think you need to care a lot less than you do right now. Do you guys live near each other?

I like my SIL well enough, but we don’t interact all that much. Is there a chance you’re expecting too much from this relationship?

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure she's just not being cold?

Grey rocking usually refers to being deliberately short and cold with the goal of not getting a rise or reaction or perpetuated frenzy out of someone. It's not just being short and cold because you don't want to talk to someone.

Grey rocking doesn’t involve being cold because that could produce an overreaction. The point is to be as uninteresting as possible.

Let it go. Don't feed energy into it.

Honestly, OP, if she has consciously decided not to get close to you, the only way to get close (maybe, someday, if ever) is to respect those boundaries and just let it go. She might come around, or she might not.

But trying to engage her just solidifies her decision to pull away.

If she’s truly grey rocking you, there’s something about your questions or reactions prompting her. You may not realize it.

However, it’s more likely that she doesn’t feel intimacy with you and just wants to keep things civil.

Are you sure she's just not being cold?

Grey rocking usually refers to being deliberately short and cold with the goal of not getting a rise or reaction or perpetuated frenzy out of someone. It's not just being short and cold because you don't want to talk to someone.

My SIL has never liked me for one reason or another. I am sure she has her laundry list of infractions that justify sidelining me but she was never going to "let me in" regardless. She's coldy cordial during 99% of our interactions. I've tried over the years to strike up conversations, engage in things happening in her life, be more like-able I suppose but it's never really been reciprocated. I always thought her responses were just cold and aloof but now I realize she's been grey rocking me for years. It's pretty obvious I care more around her liking me than the other way around. My husband admits she a bit of a b*tch but doesnt acknowledge how uncomfortable the situation is for me. If I stop engaging equally I see it being worse socially, if that's even possible. So do I keep engaging, though unreciprocated or do I just grey rock back and let it go? I need this to stop taking up so much rent in my head. If you've been in this situation, what did you do or can you provide so helpful advice? Other than she hates you, get over it