Oof. My DH would do this. He has (recently diagnosed) ADHD , but he is also kind of an asshole, and I am still trying to untangle which of his behaviors are ADHD and which ones are asshole. He has improved since meds but it has been only 4-5 months so still sorting it out. The way I would interpret MY DH's thought in this scenario is like: "I am too overwhelmed to deal with this sudden requirement, so I will just get outta here"

And this happens on autopilot, because it is a habitual behavior, formed in childhood. The habitual behavior leaves no space for a moment of empathy, as in, what does it mean to my DW that I do this? He would do it without even considering feelings, but feel badly about my feelings when he must consider them later.

Then, when he is confronted, yes, some gaslighting "I didn't hear you." (Which in the case of ADHD, sometimes they really do tune out, so you second-guess yourself. If he is an asshole, don't second-guess)

Then finally, he blames it on you - "didn't get kid in car seat for me" (because the ADHD person needs to get rid of the shame and/or always requires your help; the asshole is the same).

(I actually really love my DH by the way.)

He is simultaneously avoiding direct conflict while passively aggressively showing you he's the boss, at least for a minute.

No, not gas lighting but maybe passive aggressive.

Oh no, his favorite shirt lost a button, or got a tear underneath the armpit. Or his work ID went missing. Oh dear, oh no.

Anonymous wrote:He’s definitely an a$$hole.

Yes gaslighting, yes controlling @$$holez

Slight chance he is disabled and has a very slow processing speed and bad at oral instructions.

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with the definition. Scenario:

Wife has work responsibilities to finish up (WFH). Husband is going to pick up child from practice, but husband and wife had a disagreement prior to. Wife asks husband to take baby with him to pick up older child so that she can get as much work done as possible. No response. As husband prepares to leave, wife asks again, but husband ignores her. Husband leaves the house without the baby. Wife calls and asks why he ignored her, he says he didn’t hear her (a lie). She asks why he didn’t take the baby and he says she should’ve had the baby in the car seat ready to go.

Is this gaslighting?

No. You married a childish asshole. Unless you're the husband. Then you ARE the childish asshole

This sounds like you are in the beginning stages of a miserable marriage

Not gaslighting at all.

Gaslighting is telling you something never happened when it did and making you doubt your own reality. It is actions that make you think you are crazy. It is not at all what you described.

It’s close, but gaslighting would be more like him insisting that you never said to take the baby, or insisting he did take the baby and you just don’t remember that he did. It is denying something that you know is real.

A classic example is when you know you put your keys on the counter, then they are not there. Spouse pats you on the head and says wow your memory is really going south. Meanwhile, he’s placed your keys in his back pocket.

No. Just being an asshole. Not good though although I have these moments in my relationship too.

Her calling to ask why he didn't take the baby was a waste of time. It was fueling the fire. We all know damn well he was being passive-aggressive by pretending to not hear her.

Nah just a fancy word to get around the fact you have a lazy husband

He’s definitely an a$$hole.

In a way yes

I struggle with the definition. Scenario:

Wife has work responsibilities to finish up (WFH). Husband is going to pick up child from practice, but husband and wife had a disagreement prior to. Wife asks husband to take baby with him to pick up older child so that she can get as much work done as possible. No response. As husband prepares to leave, wife asks again, but husband ignores her. Husband leaves the house without the baby. Wife calls and asks why he ignored her, he says he didn’t hear her (a lie). She asks why he didn’t take the baby and he says she should’ve had the baby in the car seat ready to go.

Is this gaslighting?