Anonymous wrote:He wants us to talk to her. My initial reaction is to say “No, get a therapist” but that seems heartless. My personal opinion is that the issues are about 75% my daughter’s fault and 25% my son-in-law’s fault. I love her dearly, but I have noticed these behaviors of hers.

You have no idea what’s going on in someone’s marriage. Open your eyes and see what’s driving your daughters behavior and your SIL behavior.

At most I would tell my adult child I am here to talk about anything, always or direct to professional help and therapy.

Try to stay out of marital discourse, but determine if there is abuse - verbal abuse, controlling/manipulative behavior (like SIL calling you to say his narrative), stonewalling or gaslighting.

It is super inappropriate for your son in law to talk with you about hos marriage issues. Stop indulging it. No matter how much you like your son in law, you cannot intervene without alienating your daughter.

If they can't handle issues themselves, they were not ready to get married. Asking MIL for marriage help is so childish and totally weird.

I think it is weird that your Son in law is talking to you. I would stay out of it.

Yes, I would counsel her to start getting her affairs in order, know where the money is and meet with lawyers to conflict the husband out, if need be.

No, probably not.

Hard to give advice without knowing what it is.

If I was concerned with anyone's marriage, I would directly ask and see what they say. Of they refuse to talk about it, nothing I can do or say.

I am of West African origin(born and raised there), and this question made me smile.

Many of us do this when the going gets tough. A significant number of the marriages in my family would have failed without this practice.
If you and your spouse have issues, and you feel like you have tried your best to resolve it with them. you take the problem to your spouse's parents(or older siblings).

It actually works but not in the way that one would think. While the problems are not usually resolved after the parents have spoken to their adult child, this puts the adult child on notice that the issue has been escalated. That is sometimes enough notice to get someone to think about how serious the issue is. Secondly, the parents get a general feel from their child about whether they want the marriage to work but are just finding a really hard time addressing the issue. The parents usually do a great job convincing the other spouse that the parents' child is committed to the marriage but just struggling. The parents find ways to support their child's spouse(or make their child's spouse feel heard and understood) while their adult child is figuring out how to resolve the issue.

I once complained to my DH's sister(both of European ancestry, born and raised in US) about my DH. My DH was so embarrassed that he resolved the issue almost immediately. lol. It was nothing horrible but it was creating a lot of resentment from me. I had spoken to him about it a million times, and he failed to resolve it. I guess he never took it serious because it seemed harmless. The moment his sister got involved, it was done. lol

Anonymous wrote:If you are concerned about something, you can talk to her from your perspective, and in so doing, mention that "Brian is also concerned about this." But only if it is some kind of addiction issue or health issue--not if it is just behavior.

If it's just behavior ("she never apologizes when she does something wrong"), then he can darn well address it with her directly, or insist on a therapist. Mommy doesn't need to get involved. Massive eye-roll if this is the case.

This. What is the issue? It’s hard to say what you should do without knowing. If it is anything to do with behavior (she’s so stubborn, has too high of expectations, gets frustrated and overwhelmed easily etc etc etc) you need to cut out talking with your son in law about it. Their marital problems and arguments don’t need to be discussed with the extended family and your son in law needs to learn boundaries.

If you are concerned about something, you can talk to her from your perspective, and in so doing, mention that "Brian is also concerned about this." But only if it is some kind of addiction issue or health issue--not if it is just behavior.

If it's just behavior ("she never apologizes when she does something wrong"), then he can darn well address it with her directly, or insist on a therapist. Mommy doesn't need to get involved. Massive eye-roll if this is the case.

Anonymous wrote:This depends so much on what he said is going on.

I can think of very few instances that would warrant talking to your daughter. Maybe postpartum depression/anxiety, maybe alcoholism? Something of that nature. Anything less they should work out without your involvement. Talking to your daughter to say that she gets too defensive during disagreements isn’t going to help their marriage and it will destroy your relationship.

+1. Personally, I’d feel extremely uncomfortable with my DH and mother talking about me behind my back in this way. I might understand if it was over concerns about drug or alcohol dependency issues they wanted to address with me together but if they we’re just complaining to each other about my personality I would feel betrayed and hurt.

This depends so much on what he said is going on.

I can think of very few instances that would warrant talking to your daughter. Maybe postpartum depression/anxiety, maybe alcoholism? Something of that nature. Anything less they should work out without your involvement. Talking to your daughter to say that she gets too defensive during disagreements isn’t going to help their marriage and it will destroy your relationship.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. In my own case, I would talk to my daughter because I have a good relationship with my daughter and my daughter will be willing to listen to me and take my advice.

I would not advice anyone doing this if your DD is not close to you or is an inflexible thinker, unable to take any criticism or advice.

My advice will end with pointing out things that she is not doing well, but also encouraging her to go to a therapist individually and get couples counselling also, Their communication is very muddied.

I think this is good advice. I would really hesitate getting into the middle of it. If your daughter is at fault 75% of the time, it sounds like she has underlying issues. I think the best you can do is persuade your daughter to see a marriage counselor, but you’ll have to be careful about how you bring it up. Of course, if you are close and have an easy relationship then you can be more straightforward. Doesn’t hurt to open up about your own marriage and struggles you’ve had.

Yes. In my own case, I would talk to my daughter because I have a good relationship with my daughter and my daughter will be willing to listen to me and take my advice.

I would not advice anyone doing this if your DD is not close to you or is an inflexible thinker, unable to take any criticism or advice.

My advice will end with pointing out things that she is not doing well, but also encouraging her to go to a therapist individually and get couples counselling also, Their communication is very muddied.

He wants us to talk to her. My initial reaction is to say “No, get a therapist” but that seems heartless. My personal opinion is that the issues are about 75% my daughter’s fault and 25% my son-in-law’s fault. I love her dearly, but I have noticed these behaviors of hers.