Anonymous wrote:My mom is likely a narcissist (or at the least, very selfish) she makes no effort with me or my DD. The latest with her though is that she’s upset my ILs come to every game of my DD’s sport. I definitely don’t ask that of them, they want to. They’ve not missed a game in 3 seasons. Meanwhile my parents have only come once. I’m not worked up about that though, it’s their choice. However my mom is upset when she finds out my ILs come every week and we also have lunch with them afterwards so she’s (by her own choice) not getting as much time with DD. She now claims she wasn’t “invited” but she was given the same info as my ILs on when the games occur, they just choose not to come. Obviously she’s illogical on this, right?! It’s turning into the huge deal but I’m out of ways to respond to her.

You could just say yes…it is all true …after a long pause say you have to go because MiL is on the other line.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is likely a narcissist (or at the least, very selfish) she makes no effort with me or my DD. The latest with her though is that she’s upset my ILs come to every game of my DD’s sport. I definitely don’t ask that of them, they want to. They’ve not missed a game in 3 seasons. Meanwhile my parents have only come once. I’m not worked up about that though, it’s their choice. However my mom is upset when she finds out my ILs come every week and we also have lunch with them afterwards so she’s (by her own choice) not getting as much time with DD. She now claims she wasn’t “invited” but she was given the same info as my ILs on when the games occur, they just choose not to come. Obviously she’s illogical on this, right?! It’s turning into the huge deal but I’m out of ways to respond to her.

Can't you just say you are always welcome and dd would love to see you? Just keep repeating.

Yes, this is what I keep saying but it’s not the right answer to her!

NP. And yet, it’s the right and true answer.

So…why are you giving this energy, time, attention, and focus? Laugh it off and let it go.

Because she makes life miserable when she’s in this mode…

Then tell her she’s making life miserable and she can either cut it out or leave/call is done. Stop laying down and then complaining that she’s stepping on you.

This. All of it. Stop being a victim. You don’t have to answer her phone calls or texts. You don’t have to share information. Read up on what it means to “gray rock.”

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn't go to the game, how is she finding out about who was in attendance? You, your child? Social media? She's not your parole officer and doesn't need to know everything you do and everyone you see along the way.

PP 726.

Love this. I do feel like my mom is my parole officer! She makes a sport of gathering minute details from her (expected, mandatory check-in phone calls) at least once a week from each local child. I can hear her writing and taking notes! So over the top. The calls go on forever and part of the manipulation is that she thinks she has the inside scoop on everyone. Loves to drop in how long it’s been since “she has heard from me” or a sibling. Then she sets about judging each sibling for how they spend their time (away from her/not calling her/not being with her). She’s toxic and a narcissist and is getting worse and more demanding with age.

She inserts herself (tries to) in every aspect of our lives. Expects to be invited along family trips. Attempts to micromanage and guilt trip everyone. Loves to hand out cash and then has strings attached.

Dealing with these issues now, OP, with my local ILs and my mom.

ILs show up to every single game and expect to be catered to and entertained to the exclusion of all other parents. No kidding, we sit in a cluster away from everyone else. My mom never wanted to go to any DC sports until she learned that ILs go.

My mom meanwhile is never satisfied and wants to be included in everything. If I visit her solo, she is disappointed that DH can’t be there.

Last night was a great example; one sibling was stopping by to drop something off at her house (we are local but about 45 minutes away) and I get a text from her around 430 imploring me to bring my entire family over for a last minute dinner. I sent my regrets and now my mom is sulking.

I’m going gray rock with my mom; she uses details I provide to manipulate plans. And these can be very benign responses that she will seize upon. I’ll say I’m planning to go hiking (and can’t come by to see her) and she’ll grumble that there’s a trail near her house. Or, we’re away at a tourney and can’t see her and she’ll come back with a “you could swing by on your way home.”

Most recent: oldest DC left for college. She gave out $50 cash and said this was emergency money from her. If DC uses this, contact her and tell her what it was used for and she’ll replace. No. She has to control everything and everyone.

Why does she know? Stop letting her know.

If she doesn't go to the game, how is she finding out about who was in attendance? You, your child? Social media? She's not your parole officer and doesn't need to know everything you do and everyone you see along the way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is likely a narcissist (or at the least, very selfish) she makes no effort with me or my DD. The latest with her though is that she’s upset my ILs come to every game of my DD’s sport. I definitely don’t ask that of them, they want to. They’ve not missed a game in 3 seasons. Meanwhile my parents have only come once. I’m not worked up about that though, it’s their choice. However my mom is upset when she finds out my ILs come every week and we also have lunch with them afterwards so she’s (by her own choice) not getting as much time with DD. She now claims she wasn’t “invited” but she was given the same info as my ILs on when the games occur, they just choose not to come. Obviously she’s illogical on this, right?! It’s turning into the huge deal but I’m out of ways to respond to her.

Can't you just say you are always welcome and dd would love to see you? Just keep repeating.

Yes, this is what I keep saying but it’s not the right answer to her!

NP. And yet, it’s the right and true answer.

So…why are you giving this energy, time, attention, and focus? Laugh it off and let it go.

Because she makes life miserable when she’s in this mode…

Then tell her she’s making life miserable and she can either cut it out or leave/call is done. Stop laying down and then complaining that she’s stepping on you.

Anonymous wrote:“We’ve discussed this before. I am not going to limit IL’s time with DD. You are just as welcome as they are. I am done talking about this.”

Then BE DONE. If she wants to rant about it you change the subject, walk away, hang up the phone.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is likely a narcissist (or at the least, very selfish) she makes no effort with me or my DD. The latest with her though is that she’s upset my ILs come to every game of my DD’s sport. I definitely don’t ask that of them, they want to. They’ve not missed a game in 3 seasons. Meanwhile my parents have only come once. I’m not worked up about that though, it’s their choice. However my mom is upset when she finds out my ILs come every week and we also have lunch with them afterwards so she’s (by her own choice) not getting as much time with DD. She now claims she wasn’t “invited” but she was given the same info as my ILs on when the games occur, they just choose not to come. Obviously she’s illogical on this, right?! It’s turning into the huge deal but I’m out of ways to respond to her.

Can't you just say you are always welcome and dd would love to see you? Just keep repeating.

Yes, this is what I keep saying but it’s not the right answer to her!

NP. And yet, it’s the right and true answer.

So…why are you giving this energy, time, attention, and focus? Laugh it off and let it go.

Because she makes life miserable when she’s in this mode…

“We’ve discussed this before. I am not going to limit IL’s time with DD. You are just as welcome as they are. I am done talking about this.”

Then BE DONE. If she wants to rant about it you change the subject, walk away, hang up the phone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is likely a narcissist (or at the least, very selfish) she makes no effort with me or my DD. The latest with her though is that she’s upset my ILs come to every game of my DD’s sport. I definitely don’t ask that of them, they want to. They’ve not missed a game in 3 seasons. Meanwhile my parents have only come once. I’m not worked up about that though, it’s their choice. However my mom is upset when she finds out my ILs come every week and we also have lunch with them afterwards so she’s (by her own choice) not getting as much time with DD. She now claims she wasn’t “invited” but she was given the same info as my ILs on when the games occur, they just choose not to come. Obviously she’s illogical on this, right?! It’s turning into the huge deal but I’m out of ways to respond to her.

Can't you just say you are always welcome and dd would love to see you? Just keep repeating.

Yes, this is what I keep saying but it’s not the right answer to her!

NP. And yet, it’s the right and true answer.

So…why are you giving this energy, time, attention, and focus? Laugh it off and let it go.

Maybe it's the lunch that makes her feel excluded? Perhaps invite your mom to lunch after the game (without the in-laws). Or trade lunch times (i.e. every other week). She probably feels like the in-laws "claimed" that time with your DD and she isn't wanted.

It's silly, but I've seen this dynamic before between parents/in-laws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is likely a narcissist (or at the least, very selfish) she makes no effort with me or my DD. The latest with her though is that she’s upset my ILs come to every game of my DD’s sport. I definitely don’t ask that of them, they want to. They’ve not missed a game in 3 seasons. Meanwhile my parents have only come once. I’m not worked up about that though, it’s their choice. However my mom is upset when she finds out my ILs come every week and we also have lunch with them afterwards so she’s (by her own choice) not getting as much time with DD. She now claims she wasn’t “invited” but she was given the same info as my ILs on when the games occur, they just choose not to come. Obviously she’s illogical on this, right?! It’s turning into the huge deal but I’m out of ways to respond to her.

Can't you just say you are always welcome and dd would love to see you? Just keep repeating.

Yes, this is what I keep saying but it’s not the right answer to her!

Anonymous wrote:My mom is likely a narcissist (or at the least, very selfish) she makes no effort with me or my DD. The latest with her though is that she’s upset my ILs come to every game of my DD’s sport. I definitely don’t ask that of them, they want to. They’ve not missed a game in 3 seasons. Meanwhile my parents have only come once. I’m not worked up about that though, it’s their choice. However my mom is upset when she finds out my ILs come every week and we also have lunch with them afterwards so she’s (by her own choice) not getting as much time with DD. She now claims she wasn’t “invited” but she was given the same info as my ILs on when the games occur, they just choose not to come. Obviously she’s illogical on this, right?! It’s turning into the huge deal but I’m out of ways to respond to her.

Can't you just say you are always welcome and dd would love to see you? Just keep repeating.

My mom is likely a narcissist (or at the least, very selfish) she makes no effort with me or my DD. The latest with her though is that she’s upset my ILs come to every game of my DD’s sport. I definitely don’t ask that of them, they want to. They’ve not missed a game in 3 seasons. Meanwhile my parents have only come once. I’m not worked up about that though, it’s their choice. However my mom is upset when she finds out my ILs come every week and we also have lunch with them afterwards so she’s (by her own choice) not getting as much time with DD. She now claims she wasn’t “invited” but she was given the same info as my ILs on when the games occur, they just choose not to come. Obviously she’s illogical on this, right?! It’s turning into the huge deal but I’m out of ways to respond to her.