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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is just tone deaf.
You will not only encounter this with your sisters, it's a very common type of small talk among moms.

Just knod and smile and throw them a bone or two about how you could use "some more sleep."

Please do not use this as an opportunity to just talk about how wonderful and amazing you are. That's annoying.

This should not be common small talk and I most certainly will not “throw anyone a bone” (not OP but feel similarly). It’s also rarely just small talk and they want to feel better about their life circumstances. Well ya know what, sorry you’re struggling but I’m not. I can empathize in the same way someone who didn’t go through infertility or miscarriages can empathize but I’m not going to be forced to complain about something that I’m not upset about.

DP but after you've told someone that you've been up all night with a baby like OP did, it's not being "forced to complain" to say you could use some more sleep when they commiserate with you. It's reality, instead of choosing to be offended by someone offering you empathy.

Parenting aside I wonder how some of you on this board interact with anyone, ever. The most basic small talk and you're up in arms about #goodvibesonly and demanding to be recognized as a superior being. Good luck with that.

Anonymous wrote:OP is just tone deaf.
You will not only encounter this with your sisters, it's a very common type of small talk among moms.

Just knod and smile and throw them a bone or two about how you could use "some more sleep."

Please do not use this as an opportunity to just talk about how wonderful and amazing you are. That's annoying.

This should not be common small talk and I most certainly will not “throw anyone a bone” (not OP but feel similarly). It’s also rarely just small talk and they want to feel better about their life circumstances. Well ya know what, sorry you’re struggling but I’m not. I can empathize in the same way someone who didn’t go through infertility or miscarriages can empathize but I’m not going to be forced to complain about something that I’m not upset about.

OP is just tone deaf.
You will not only encounter this with your sisters, it's a very common type of small talk among moms.

Just knod and smile and throw them a bone or two about how you could use "some more sleep."

Please do not use this as an opportunity to just talk about how wonderful and amazing you are. That's annoying.

Or your sisters may be trying to normalize how hard it is to be pregnant and how hard it is to be a new mother. Just because you've TTC for a long time doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to feel fat and/or exhausted during pregnancy or that you aren't allowed to feel exhausted/overwhelmed/depressed postpartum. There are aspects of being a new mom that are hard for everyone and it's all new, which is also a challenge.

Be happy that they aren't telling you "I thrived during those sleepless nights with Larlo... I lived for her needing me 24/7 when it was difficult to go for a walk or take a shower. I barely noticed when my breasts were painful and engorged, my clothes didn't fit, and a huge maxi pad felt like a permanent part of my outfit."

I have two (pregnant with #3) and was one of the first in my friend group to have kids. I totally try to normalize how difficult it is to my friends - not because I want them to be like "OMG, this sucks/this is so hard." Not at all. I want to normalize that it's OK to be sad/frustrated/depressed/overwhelmed/stressed during an incredibly difficult time for many. You are taking care of a helpless baby, recovering from pregnancy/childbirth, sleep deprived, and your hormones are all out of whack. No one is going to love every moment and the point is that it's ok not to love every moment!

Anonymous wrote:OP I wish I was like you. I had repeated miscarriages and longed for motherhood and then I had a healthy wonderful baby...and complained! Such is human nature (for some at least).

I will say, I am surprised how much complaining about parenthood is a vernacular among parents of little kids. I wonder if it is specific to the US. We have a very imbalanced approach to parenting as part of life, imo. Like poor work-life balance except for American parents, it's poor parent-life balance.

This is exactly it. We have little to no social safety net in the US. And who makes up the difference? Women, particularly mothers. WOMEN are the USA's social safety net. They take care of children, they go to work bleeding post-miscarriage/birth, they nurse their elderly parents and their disabled family members. WOMEN.

So yes, the complaining is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. Well, and some of it is funny.

I was you OP! Not really sisters, but other people's complaining didn't make any sense to me after my first. I had an easy pregnancy, a tough delivery, but a healthy baby who was generally pretty easy. I loved my maternity leave.

Then my sweet little baby turned 2 AND I had another baby and holy sh*t did my "I'm so filled with gratitude and love" way of feeling hit the damn FAN. I adore my children, I am so glad to have them, I feel lucky I can have them, but I can also understand all those "harried mom" memes WAY more now than ever before.

So my only advice is to enjoy it now! But also be careful not to slip into smug. If they are venting, just come up with something like "ugh yes, that sounds hard" and move on.

OP I wish I was like you. I had repeated miscarriages and longed for motherhood and then I had a healthy wonderful baby...and complained! Such is human nature (for some at least).

I will say, I am surprised how much complaining about parenthood is a vernacular among parents of little kids. I wonder if it is specific to the US. We have a very imbalanced approach to parenting as part of life, imo. Like poor work-life balance except for American parents, it's poor parent-life balance.

I understand where you're coming from, OP. My SIL was like how you describe your sisters. My SIL is a wonderful person, but thought because her kids had colic, didn't breastfeed, and random complaints xyz, that I, too, would have all those problems with my child.
In the long run it doesn't even matter. People project their feelings even if they don't intend to do so. They are just looking for emotional validation. Now that you're a mother they want to commiserate what they went through. Best advice: Don't take it personally.

Did they complain 24/7 when they had their first kids? Maybe they thought you'd be miserable as well instead of grateful as you are. Good for you OP.

That's nice. Maybe they thought you'd commisserate with them. Oh well.

Anonymous wrote:Well they're complaining did annoy me when I was TTC and struggling.

But it's more like when we talk or text they ask about me and the baby and I say she was up all night they'll say they remember that phase and it sucked and they wanted to give the baby away and I say it's not that bad they are like sure

And when I was pregnant they thought I was lying when I didn't complain about being fat or miserable

They're trying to commiserate with you and you're shutting it down. That's fine and you don't need to join in with them, but it's not that they're disappointed you're not unhappy. They're just falling back on a time-honored way of connecting with other moms and you're not feeling it. There are other time-honored ways of connecting with other moms that are more annoying - the Mommy Needs A Drink moms spring to mind, or the "let's talk about calories" brigade - but try not to assume bad intent. The basic thing they're doing is trying to connect with you and offer support. Saying they remember how much it sucked to be up all night is offering empathy, not judgment.

Well they're complaining did annoy me when I was TTC and struggling.

But it's more like when we talk or text they ask about me and the baby and I say she was up all night they'll say they remember that phase and it sucked and they wanted to give the baby away and I say it's not that bad they are like sure

And when I was pregnant they thought I was lying when I didn't complain about being fat or miserable

It's great that you're happy. It's weird that with a newborn you're worried about whether your sisters are happy about your happiness. I think you might be projecting a bit onto them, honestly. Maybe you thought they were complaining too much when they became moms and you thought it would never happen to you, and now when they check in to see if you're doing okay you take it as them fishing for a complaint?

It's realistic that you realize you'll complain eventually.

They also seemed disappointed I didn't complain about my pregnancy either.

I'm only 7 weeks in so I'm sure I'll complain eventually.
It's just that I never thought I'd be a mom, ever. So even though the sleepless nights are tough and breastfeeding isn't super easy I just don't feel like complaining because I feel so lucky to have her