Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH has decided to completely stop speaking to me directly since January 2021 when I submitted a request to modify child support. He will instead have his mother or his siblings be a go-between to communicate with me regarding DC (8yo). Ex-DH moved out of state a few years ago and only sees DC occasionally when he's in town (pretty randomly). I always make sure that DC is available to him and until recently I've been diligent about making sure that DC responds to and initiates messages and calls (DC has a tablet and uses FB kids messenger) and I would also send pictures and updates to him about DC's activities, school-related things, and just normal weekend outings, etc.

Then one day it hit me - why the heck am I putting forth all of this effort for an immature man-child who can't even have a civil conversation/text/email exchange solely regarding our child? (no, I have ZERO interest in discussing anything other than our child).

So I've decided to no longer send ANY school pictures, updates, weekend snaps, growth updates, birthday party invitations, etc, nor will I remind him about school activities, or remind DC to call him. I will no longer entertain the "Daddy wants to know if he can pick me up next weekend" nonsense, or answer those requests from my ex-inlaws.

I know that DC's relationship with him will suffer, but AITA for expecting him to communicate like an adult?

Why not answer requests from ex-inlaws?

Do the ex in-laws themselves see your kid?

If you cut off communication and the child's father no longer knows anything about the child, does that help or hurt your child? IMO it probably hurts your child. Why would you do something on purpose that hurts your child?

You're mad at the schmuck. I get it. But your child is the one who will suffer. Can't you keep it up for just a little longer until your child is a little older? Be better, OP.

Your kid is getting older and it's ok to let him see his dad for who he is. I think forcing him to contact dad is setting him up for a lot of false hope and sadness and pain, so I think you're doing the right thing here.

If I were you I'd be confident that you can tell his family that it makes you uncomfortable with them as the go-between. I would also be actively trying to find your son other adult men who care about him -- uncles, mentors, etc...

I say all of this assuming your divorce was relatively low key, because if you're living with your boss who you cheated on your husband with, that is a different story!

There has to be more to why.

18:16 again. I also would still say okay if he communicates through your kid and you are asked that way to spend time with dad. No, it’s not right. But don’t make your child bitter.

DH is 50 and is still angry with his mother for feeling like she prevented his relationship with his dad. His dad was not involved for most of his childhood and was an alcoholic. They are now in their 80s and all of them still have resentment. Don’t be like that either.

I wouldn’t respond to his family if they are only trying to communicate for him, but if they are contacting you to try to have their own relationship with your child then it’s different. Dad might be out of the picture but don’t cut off the grandparents and aunts or uncles IF they are making sincere effort. I wouldn’t send them all of these photo updates. I don’t do that for my ILs and I’m married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Please tell Brad that I will no longer be communicating with anyone but him, directly, regarding Jimmy. So if he wants to see Jimmy or know how he is doing, he may contact me at any time. Thank you for your help in this matter, and I am sorry that you were put in the middle of it for a time."

This is too much. Just send the bolded to your in-laws ONCE. You should file in court to have a court ordered communication system for visits.

You have been WAY too accommodating of your ex, and he’s going to keep pushing for more and more. Stop. People like him view kindness as weakness.

+1. You've been doing way, way, way too much to accommodate him.

The only thing I'd change is I'd say/text/email the bolded to him "I will no longer be discussing arrangements regarding our son with anyone but you." Repeat to his relatives as necessary.

If you want to send a school picture once a year, fine, but can't he order his own? Those things cost money. If he wants to be more involved and know about school activities and school pictures and such, that's on him. I also wouldn't remind my 8yo to call him. That's on the parent.

You have been doing too much. Birthday party invitations? WTH?

I'd remind the kid once a month "Hey, have you spoken with your dad lately?" and send the Ex the once a year school pictures and feel satisfied. If he wants more, he can ask for it.

Anonymous wrote:"Please tell Brad that I will no longer be communicating with anyone but him, directly, regarding Jimmy. So if he wants to see Jimmy or know how he is doing, he may contact me at any time. Thank you for your help in this matter, and I am sorry that you were put in the middle of it for a time."

This is too much. Just send the bolded to your in-laws ONCE. You should file in court to have a court ordered communication system for visits.

You have been WAY too accommodating of your ex, and he’s going to keep pushing for more and more. Stop. People like him view kindness as weakness.

If he wants to ignore you, so be it.

I would ignore his mother and all the ex inlaws. It sounds like a pain in the ass to manage all of those relationships. Look into a divorce communication app that you both can use. I forgot the name but you’re probably more familiar than I am. It’s okay to prioritize your sanity and not reward manipulative behavior from your ex.

"Please tell Brad that I will no longer be communicating with anyone but him, directly, regarding Jimmy. So if he wants to see Jimmy or know how he is doing, he may contact me at any time. Thank you for your help in this matter, and I am sorry that you were put in the middle of it for a time."

I think it's certainly ok to slow down the information you are sharing with him. I'm not sure I'd go a full 180 to sharing nothing, but maybe aim for once a month to send ONE picture.

Then see what happens.

I don’t think so. You’re weary. You put in the effort, now he’s being childish. My efforts would stop, too.

Ex-DH has decided to completely stop speaking to me directly since January 2021 when I submitted a request to modify child support. He will instead have his mother or his siblings be a go-between to communicate with me regarding DC (8yo). Ex-DH moved out of state a few years ago and only sees DC occasionally when he's in town (pretty randomly). I always make sure that DC is available to him and until recently I've been diligent about making sure that DC responds to and initiates messages and calls (DC has a tablet and uses FB kids messenger) and I would also send pictures and updates to him about DC's activities, school-related things, and just normal weekend outings, etc.

Then one day it hit me - why the heck am I putting forth all of this effort for an immature man-child who can't even have a civil conversation/text/email exchange solely regarding our child? (no, I have ZERO interest in discussing anything other than our child).

So I've decided to no longer send ANY school pictures, updates, weekend snaps, growth updates, birthday party invitations, etc, nor will I remind him about school activities, or remind DC to call him. I will no longer entertain the "Daddy wants to know if he can pick me up next weekend" nonsense, or answer those requests from my ex-inlaws.

I know that DC's relationship with him will suffer, but AITA for expecting him to communicate like an adult?