Anonymous wrote:I think significant part of it is people being competitive and obsessed with being the most popular, the best liked etc.

Instead of doing what works for them and dealing with MIL not liking it or complaining about it, they suck it up in front of MIL, make themselves and their families jump through the hoops, all in order to fit some unnecessary and self-imposed image of Perfect DIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

Wow this is such a good description of how this dynamic evolves. Not just with MILs but with "takers" in general -- it starts out as "okay, this doesn't matter that much to me and they are being very pushy about it so we'll just do what they want to keep the peace" and ends with therapy and resentment and these intractable problems where simply saying "no" to one of these people is considered tantamount to destroying your relationship or violently hurting them. It is so challenging.

Dealing with "takers" is like some kind of rite of passage for most people. I am grateful my MIL is not one but I have dealt with several in my life and can see how easily a MIL or other family member could abuse the general desire people have to be liked and get along in order to control all the people in their orbit.

Anonymous wrote:Givers and takers. People who are pushy and entitled are takers. Givers want others to be happy and give in.

It’s a gradual thing. Most normal people want to be polite, accommodating to others and feel if someone if making a huge deal out of something.it’s so important to them that they can give in. They do start saying no and no thank you after getting tired of it but then the taker will become distraught, keep badgering. The giver may decide the path of least resistance is to just give in to MIL, aunt or whomever. Takers often love drama so they will welcome a dramatic fight over their demand. Givers don’t want the drama of fighting over something stupid.

Givers eventually will have had enough and draw the boundaries. They’ll have to devote energy to constantly holding the boundaries and deal with the onslaught of manipulation. It’s a PITA and some may just decide to limit contact.

Anonymous wrote:These are not MIL problems, they are husband problems.

Anonymous wrote:Can't do anything that dries up the gravy train trust fund.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's years and years of learned roles and family dynamics. I don't think anyone thinks it's healthy, OP, but that's why it's happening, and it takes a conscious, proactive, long term commitment to break out of hard-wired behaviors.

+1 I'm kind of jealous of OP, not that she doesn't have these issues, but that she grew up in a way that she cannot even understand them.

Anonymous wrote:Because their spouses can't/won't deal with their own parents.

Anonymous wrote:It's years and years of learned roles and family dynamics. I don't think anyone thinks it's healthy, OP, but that's why it's happening, and it takes a conscious, proactive, long term commitment to break out of hard-wired behaviors.