Anonymous wrote:How did you tell your spouse you wanted a divorce? Or how did they tell you?

I’m thinking I need to be brutally honest with my wife - just rip off the band aid. She’s BPD, so it’s going to be hell.

Re: the brutally honest part

No, I don’t advise being “brutally honest” about the why or how. You likely attempted to have that conversation every time she was acting up. You’ve already said that bit, she didn’t listen or process it or care.

Yes, be brutally honest in a short direct way that the marriage is over, it didn’t work out, here’s your lawyers contact info, she should get a lawyer this week and talk through them. If she starts out on how could you do this, blah blah, at most say: The marriage is over, at this point it doesn’t matter why.

I assume you don’t have kids, if you do then you have a lot more planning to do.

What country are you in, OP? We saw a scenario like this play out a few times when we were posted in Eastern Europe. In one case, the newly ex wife had her goon brothers try to confront the ex husband who initiated the divorce. He called the cops once when they were harassing him in public and the cops sided with the bros. The ex wife kept threatening suicide and for some reason the hospital would agree to call her ex each time she showed up there to demand they "mediate."
Good times.

Anonymous wrote:Were you doing therapy? Could you arrange a tele therapy conference appointment and tell her with someone else there?

I don’t know if your spouse will agree to the appointment, but it’s going to set her into a tailspin and better to have a professional there.

Many people lose control of their emotions when divorce is mentioned. It’s going to be +1000 with a BPD so if you can have someone else present, it can help

Excellent suggestion, third party zoom since you’re not in the same country. But she’ll just turn it off and go berserk. Then keep calling and emailing you and everything she knows. Hopefully she doesn’t go on a disparage tirade but these types can and do. Document everything, including her contacting your boss and coworkers. Send that all to the lawyer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced a BPD.

1. Get everything you care about out of the house.
2. Get all your finances squared away.
3. Have your lawyer ready to file.
4. Have your lawyer tell her (as in send a letter).
5. Have your tape recorder running.

The second she finds out it's real all hell will break loose.

I’m actually already out of the house. There is nothing in it that I want. I’ve hired a lawyer and I’ve spent this weekend filling out a lot of paperwork about the marital history, etc. I’m feeling a bit of time pressure. I’m a diplomat posted overseas and STBX is now making noises about coming here. I absolutely do not want her here. I had to block her on my phone last weekend after she was being particularly verbally abusive. She then started to email my supervisors and coworkers. I’ve talked to HR and security and advised them that I will be filing for divorce and had her email blocked by our IT administrator.

She has quit her job in the US “because she didn’t like it.” She is not on my orders and presently has no valid passport, so she’s not getting here anytime soon. But I really need my lawyer to get the ball rolling.

Sounds like you’re ready to do it. Good luck to you.
When it’s all said and done, be sure to take the time to work with a good therapist about what drew you to this person and how you might make a different decision when choosing a partner. You got something out of this relationship; the sooner you figure that out, the less likely you are to repeat this and get into another unhealthy relationship.

I’d say the fact that she’s diagnosed, he caught on to what abuse is, and is getting out means that her masking during courting worked well and he’s decisive in getting out. It’s not all daddy and mommy issues. Some more functioning adults with mental disorders have spent years learning how to hide their issues. Until they have to live with someone on a sustained basis. The healthy people ID it and either get out or find a way to live parallel lives (more common if children involved).

Is BPD bipolar or borderline?

Anonymous wrote:I divorced a BPD.

1. Get everything you care about out of the house.
2. Get all your finances squared away.
3. Have your lawyer ready to file.
4. Have your lawyer tell her (as in send a letter).
5. Have your tape recorder running.

The second she finds out it's real all hell will break loose.

+1.

Anonymous wrote:How did you tell your spouse you wanted a divorce? Or how did they tell you?

I’m thinking I need to be brutally honest with my wife - just rip off the band aid. She’s BPD, so it’s going to be hell.

With my mentally ill narc spouse I had to move out and have the lawyers handled the rest. She delayed responding at every point of the process and blamed me for anything and everything she could think of.. But the court system provided dates and extensions. It was the only way to get her to address or decide or respond to everything. Mediation and settling does not work with these types. Hopefully it might for you, but reasoning or being rationale or putting the kids (not herself) first is not what a mentally ill person is capable of.

The couples that end up in court are usually high conflict because of one players mental disorders. Inability to communication, be honorable, coparent well, and so on. I do wish the judges saw that more and understood mental disorders and narcissists. The 1-2 year trial becomes a costly circus.

Were you doing therapy? Could you arrange a tele therapy conference appointment and tell her with someone else there?

I don’t know if your spouse will agree to the appointment, but it’s going to set her into a tailspin and better to have a professional there.

Many people lose control of their emotions when divorce is mentioned. It’s going to be +1000 with a BPD so if you can have someone else present, it can help

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced a BPD.

1. Get everything you care about out of the house.
2. Get all your finances squared away.
3. Have your lawyer ready to file.
4. Have your lawyer tell her (as in send a letter).
5. Have your tape recorder running.

The second she finds out it's real all hell will break loose.

I’m actually already out of the house. There is nothing in it that I want. I’ve hired a lawyer and I’ve spent this weekend filling out a lot of paperwork about the marital history, etc. I’m feeling a bit of time pressure. I’m a diplomat posted overseas and STBX is now making noises about coming here. I absolutely do not want her here. I had to block her on my phone last weekend after she was being particularly verbally abusive. She then started to email my supervisors and coworkers. I’ve talked to HR and security and advised them that I will be filing for divorce and had her email blocked by our IT administrator.

She has quit her job in the US “because she didn’t like it.” She is not on my orders and presently has no valid passport, so she’s not getting here anytime soon. But I really need my lawyer to get the ball rolling.

Sounds like you’re ready to do it. Good luck to you.
When it’s all said and done, be sure to take the time to work with a good therapist about what drew you to this person and how you might make a different decision when choosing a partner. You got something out of this relationship; the sooner you figure that out, the less likely you are to repeat this and get into another unhealthy relationship.

Anonymous wrote:I divorced a BPD.

1. Get everything you care about out of the house.
2. Get all your finances squared away.
3. Have your lawyer ready to file.
4. Have your lawyer tell her (as in send a letter).
5. Have your tape recorder running.

The second she finds out it's real all hell will break loose.

I’m actually already out of the house. There is nothing in it that I want. I’ve hired a lawyer and I’ve spent this weekend filling out a lot of paperwork about the marital history, etc. I’m feeling a bit of time pressure. I’m a diplomat posted overseas and STBX is now making noises about coming here. I absolutely do not want her here. I had to block her on my phone last weekend after she was being particularly verbally abusive. She then started to email my supervisors and coworkers. I’ve talked to HR and security and advised them that I will be filing for divorce and had her email blocked by our IT administrator.

She has quit her job in the US “because she didn’t like it.” She is not on my orders and presently has no valid passport, so she’s not getting here anytime soon. But I really need my lawyer to get the ball rolling.

Say it when you are absolutely certain that is what you want, and have a plan ready to execute. That should be either filing immediately, having a mediation appointment ready set up, a lease on an apartment, so you can move out, etc.

Just talk to a lawyer first so you don't do anything illegal or that negatively impacts the settlement. You'll for example, if spouse is a stay at home parent, don't expect them to be able to start paying for an entire household without your support.

I divorced a BPD.

1. Get everything you care about out of the house.
2. Get all your finances squared away.
3. Have your lawyer ready to file.
4. Have your lawyer tell her (as in send a letter).
5. Have your tape recorder running.

The second she finds out it's real all hell will break loose.

Tell them that you're filing for divorce and she will be served papers tomorrow. Note that you should have everything already prepared with lawyers and know the laws of your state in regards to how long you need to separate or even if you should continue to co-habitate.

Don't be wishy-washy. Be firm.

Anonymous wrote:How did you tell your spouse you wanted a divorce? Or how did they tell you?

I’m thinking I need to be brutally honest with my wife - just rip off the band aid. She’s BPD, so it’s going to be hell.

I think you are going to need support. Do you have a counselor/therapist?

Are there kids?

I said that the marriage was over and that I had contacted a mediator for us to see.

How did you tell your spouse you wanted a divorce? Or how did they tell you?

I’m thinking I need to be brutally honest with my wife - just rip off the band aid. She’s BPD, so it’s going to be hell.