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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Telling someone "give yourself" an orgasm as the long-term solution to a sexless marriage is akin to telling someone to talk into a mirror when they want to have a conversation with their spouse.

It's not about the orgasm or the words. [b] It's the connection.
[/b]
[/quote]

Then find other ways to connect.  Which are good for BOTH people. [/quote]

How would I connect with someone that is not willing to connect with me?  That is kind of the whole point, it is really hard to connect with someone on THEIR terms only.  That doesn't lead to connection, that leads to just doing stuff for the other person.   [/quote]

This is your false interpretation. There are lot's of ways to connect, communication being number 1.

By your own logic then if she decides to give in and have sex when she doesn't want to, that would lead to just doing stuff for you.[/quote]

This discussion will never go anywhere, they always end up in the same place.  But to the 2 previous posters.  When I am talking about connection, it is about feeling valued and respected.  One person alluded to low self esteem and sex but I think the intent was missed.  It is not that I need sex to feel valued, but it is that I need my partner to hear what I am saying and to value me enough to want to try to do something to meet somewhere that would work for both people.  And to the point of connection, there are many ways to connect but it is hard to find them when someone just dismisses what you say is important to you.  And finally, do I want to have sex if she does not, no way.  But the main difference is that sex was a part of our connection and then it was stopped and it hurts like hell and she won't do anything to work on a compromise that will work for both people to be relatively, if not completely, happy.  And yes, that would be doing something just for me, but isn't that the point of a relationship?  I do a ton of stuff just for her because I know they are important to her.  All I ask is a little bit of an effort for something that is important for me.

But alas, where it always ends up is just deal with no sex or get a divorce.  Those are pretty much the only 2 options ever presented.   That is kind of the point around the selfishness, not one person has said, or ever does say anything about steps a no sex partner could make to meet in the middle.  Honestly for the person wanting sex even the smallest level of effort would mean the world, but it never happens.  [/quote]

Actually people gave a lot of suggestions on this thread for how to improve things.  Here is one earlier post:

Things to try:

-Initiate at times other than right before bed. If you watch TV for hours and then wait to initiate until she's a few minutes away from going to sleep, you up your chances of being turned down bc she is in sleep mode. Try the morning or right after kids go to bed.

-Non-hormonal birth control. Condoms, copper IUD, or a vasectomy for you

-Non-intercourse sex options. Consider whether she might be more receptive to oral, mutual masturbation, etc. Sometimes PIV seems daunting bc of the time it takes for women to get warmed up physically enough to enjoy it, but oral/manual is something she can just jump into if she is not feeling up to intercourse.

-Mixing up the foreplay, e.g. watching porn together, reading to each other out of 50 shades, whatever you think she might be into

These are all things that have helped to increase the frequency of sex in my marriage. If none of these works maybe the other posters are right and the only option is to resign yourself to no sex or divorce, but at least give these a try[/quote]

You're not getting it.  You can dress up a hamburger to look like steak, but doesn't work.

She doesn't like or want sex, at least not often. Fifty Shades Of....was the most juvenile book, poorly written.

I will bet he's already tried many of these, disregarding his wife's feelings. When someone says no or their body language tells you give it a rest.  If I were his wife I'd rather be alone than someone who valued that above all else in our marriage.  That might be a win win for both if they divorce.[/quote]

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