Reply to S/O: Ladies - Would you have sex more often

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
What would you rather do recreationally than have sex? Talk to your girlfriends? Surf the net? Watch TV? I'm a 50 year old woman who does think sex is the be all end all.[/quote]

This is such a weird question. I like watching tv, does that mean I ALWAYS want to watch tv? I like shopping, do I ALWAYS want to be shopping? When I go to the beach on vacation should I only have sex and never lie out?

I mean I'm happy that you think sex is the be all end all but I'm a whole human with complex desires that shift over the course of a day. I mean yes watching tv is less effort than sex. Dinner with my girlfriends is less physical effort than sex. It doesn't mean I don't like sex, [u]its just a significant amount of effort (getting naked, the act, cleaning up, getting yourself back together)[/u]. Describing it like that is going to make it sound like its not worth it, it totally is, but just sometimes I don't feel like it. Just like sometimes I don't feel like a glass of wine or a jog or tanning. [/quote]

I don't think the question is "always." (But maybe it is. I'm not the PP.) However, marital sex seems to take a lower and lower priority as the years go by. The level of effort is pretty much the same as it ever was, and yet for many, many couples sex more often than not takes a back seat to TV, wine, shopping, iPad games, and a lot of other discretionary recreational activities. (Often this de-prioritization of sex is one-sided.) [/quote]

Well this has been said about 100 times but of course when the daily responsibilities add up and the free time decreases, the energy decreases. So when you are just the two of you then sure after dinner out and some wine you come home and have sex.

But if the day was instead, wake up at 6, get the kids ready, hand off for daycare, commute, go work 8 hours, commute back, figure out dinner, put kids to bed, suddenly its 8pm and you've been 'on' for 14 hours. For some people sex is fun and relaxing, for some people sex is fun but requires mental and physical energy. For the latter it doesn't come down to 'I like netflix better than sex.' It comes down to, 'I have been on for 14 hours I just want some time to myself where I turn my brain off and relax.' Sex can be that for some people but not for everyone. So for some people they need a glass of wine and netflix to feel like themselves again. Go over and read some of the 'default parent' threads in general parenting. Fixing dinner one night doesn't mean you're really lightening the load. Becoming an active partner who fully understands the needs of the household and makes themselves reliable does. If you become an equal partner and you commit to yourself and your partner (and this part needs to be reciprocated) that you will go into interactions thinking the best of each other and wanting to nurture the relationship,  you'll have more sex.

That isn't an excuse, time needs to be made for sex, but that DOES mean that there needs to be compassion and a full understanding of what is ACTUALLY happening, and choosing netlfix over you isn't it. [/quote]

And yet, if you were having an affair you'd have all kinds of extra energy for sex with the new guy even with this exhausting schedule.  [/quote]

I have no way to disprove this because I'm not an ahole who would have an affair. [/quote]

The point has little to do with having an affair and everything to do with how women have plenty of energy for sex when a relationship is new.  The hormones and brain chemicals do all the work for you.  It's finding a way to tap into that passion for the guy you've been with for years that's what is needed when the chemicals have faded.  But that has to come from within.  He'll be the same guy either way.  You can blame external factors like your schedule and/or blame him for not doing x, y or z.  Or you can take responsibility for your part of the equation.  [/quote]

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