Reply to 11yo DD furious that we don't allow screens M-Th

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We have always had this rule during the school year.  Lately she is really upset about it.  She says she just "wants to be normal".  She says she is the only one.  She cried herself to sleep about it 2 nights ago.

She has daily homework and gets it done without problems.  She plays soccer 3 nights a week.  She has lots of screen time Friday-Sunday.

She says we baby her and that our rules are abnormal.  She still sits in the back seat, and is outraged about that too.  She also has a "in bed by 8:45, lights out by 9pm" bedtime.  She says this is also crazy.  She has to get up at 6:15 for school start time of 7:30 so I worry about her getting enough rest.

Also, my hope is that if she doesn't have access to screens, she'll read.  She used to be a voracious reader, but now there are so many things competing for her time.  I feel she has stopped reading for pleasure and I worry that her vocaulary will not develop.

Is no screens M-Th excessively strict?

I do notice that virtually all of her classmates and soccer teammates sit in the front seat.  I think she is actually the only one who sits in the back seat still.  She weighs 80 pounds.

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Three nights a week devoted to sports sounds really over the top to me. One night is plenty.[/quote]
OP here.  I agree with you somewhat.  She is required to play/practice this much to be on her team.  She does love it.  She was one of only two girls on her regular season team who did not do two indoor leagues this winter.  We stuck to one indoor league because I felt that 2 was excessive in every way.  Now regular season practices are starting up.  It's a lot. I feel we have come to a crossroads with soccer where she either has to practice and participate in tournaments a lot or move to rec.  She loves her team and teammates.  It is costly and I worry about injury.  Declining to do 2 indoor leagues this winter reduced her playing time compared to her teammates, so we will see how that plays out this spring.

She benefits from exercise every day, and can be annoying to be around if she hasn't had movement.  So that's a positive of all these practices.  I wish I could just "send her out to run around", but there aren't any other kids close to her age playing outside in our neighborhood.  I think they are all at sports or music practice.

My hsuband and I plan to allow her more autonomy with weekday screens, have to figure out how to go about it.  [b]I don't want her to think that she harrassed us into it and that this is an effective way to get rules changed, so we are going to sit tight for a little while longer. [/b] Great advice here, thanks.   [/quote]

I think you're missing an opportunity here -- yes, you don't want her to think she "harassed" you into it, but why is it a bad thing for her to hear that her position was heard and considered, and it made you change your mind?  Think of this as a learning opportunity -- tell her you're going to have a family meeting that night to discuss bedtime and screen time, and if she wants to present calm, rational arguments and new ideas, you and DH will listen.  Then tell her you're going to consider, and let her know your decision.

[/quote]

I agree with this.  I think it's a great opportunity to show her that you are interested in her thoughts and open to her suggestions when she shares them in a reasonable way.  It's also an opportunity to model flexibility.  I assume you want her to listen to you and be open to changing her opinions and behavior based on your input.  This is a great way to show her how to do it with grace, rather than having to "save face" etc.

I would be clear, however, that you are not doing this because she "wore you down" or because she cried and moped in her room for weeks etc.  You're doing it because you agree she is old enough and responsible enough to have some screen time during the week.  But there are some conditions.  The first is that she meets her other obligations (homework etc.).  The second is that she doesn't whine or complain when it's time to turn it off, and she doesn't try to wheedle or negotiate for extra time beyond what you all agree on upfront.  This is not the START of an ongoing negotiation.  It is what it is, and if she whines, cries, mopes or complains about it, the privilege is gone.  (This rule worked well for us in the preschool years, and it remains a reference point for our kids.)

Meanwhile, I agree with sticking to your rule about sitting in the back seat, and I also agree with the early bedtime.  Both are health and safety issues, and I would explain them as such.  If you feel she would be more receptive to hearing it from a doctor, ask your pediatrician if he/she is willing to talk with DD about it.  To me, these are no-brainers and you should remain firm.[/quote]

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