Reply to How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I've been trying to decide what makes my marriage's recovery different from the PPs who state "just leave, it's not worth it" or the people that while they "happily left" still sound so very bitter than I feel (and trust me people I could be bitter) and I think a big part of it is how we deal with this "bubbling."

I'll start by saying that DH is highly remorseful, and really worked on his SH--.  I know not everyone is given that, and if he hadn't been remorseful I'm not sure how I'd feel.  I think it really matters to acknowledge that it doesn't ever go away, and have a plan of how to work through it when it does bubble - but I don't hold it over his head like an anvil waiting to drop either.  That's not to say it doesn't come up (particularly after a couple glasses of wine and we're discussing his mother;) but when it comes up it's more - I don't know...humorous? Maybe that's just my personality though.  Never been a grudge holder.  But it also comes up in our discussions about how to best parent our kids - and I swear to you I'm so much more interested in raising happy, honest humans than I am successful doctors or lawyers than I was before this all happened.  Undeniably we are both going to be better parents because of this.

But back to the bubbling: I might need reassurance on occasion and he might need to give it.  He might need to apologize one more time, but more often than not, he apologizes one more time, without me forcing it.  I have to apologize too, for things I could have done better and still need to do better to this day.  We're quite an apologetic, but happy family.  We've all gotten pretty damn good at apologizing!

Also, I see her - mmmmm - 3-4 times a week!  That's right! For those of you that say  you "could never tolerate that" you're right, at first I couldn't - I would have rather walked through fire than make nice with her in the situation were in, but, slowly it became incredibly cathartic - first to ignore her - and then, to just not care.  You guys, one day I stopped giving a shit.  That was a fabulous day, it truly was. And now, she's not insignificant to me, she's no more significant than anyone else and that is a wonderful feeling.

That's what I feel when I look back on this whole thing - it forced me out of this fairy tale idea I had about the way the world worked and made me see people for the first time, Not just D! but everyone, and I like it a lot better over here - where people are flawed but they can get better, and so can I.

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Pp, you are an awesome individual. You recognize that life is a bunch of shades of grey, that people are human, that we can knock each other down and pull each other back up. Your life has become incredibly honest and you have allowed yourself to feel things deeply. So many people do not let themselves go there...it is too scary. You are a really lucky person to really wake up to life. My best to you, from one DW to another.[/quote]

I agree. She's impressive. [/quote]

No. Sounds like a doormat rewarding bad behavior. :shock: [/quote]

Shh.. Let her live in delusion until he strays again.[/quote]

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