Reply to How long did it take for you/your spouse to feel balance/normal after an extra marital affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here are my words of wisdom for someone who is going through this and "wants to try to stay together".  The relationship will not survive unless the perpetrator comes fully clean about what happened, engages in intensive therapy to understand the reasons within him/herself (not within the "relationship") that lead him/her to take steps that could be so destructive of the marital relationship and the spouse/family, and cuts off all contact with the AP and becomes fully transparent about feelings/behaviors/activities and makes necessary changes in his/her own behavior.

How long does it take to feel okay again?  I felt "OK" immediately in the sense that I didn't blame myself or feel diminished by it; however, I felt sad for years -- mostly because the infidelity continued in various forms with various people despite DH's insistence that he wanted to stay together and would stop.  And, although I was 100% confident and happy about my decision to end the relationship, I and my family permanently suffer negative consequences of the affair (negative affect on my career, reduced family income, loss of friends, damaged relationships with family members, emotional trauma to kids).

Read up on "infidelity trauma".  I think it describes very well the PTSD-like impacts of affairs.  Like PTSD, these symptoms can last years.  You may think everything is fine, and then one day something happens that brings you right back to the first moment it happened.

On the bright side, have we found a new normal?  Yes.  Am I happier without him than I could ever have been with him?  A thousand times, yes.

What I realized was that the problem wasn't just that he was unfaithful.  The problem was he was a liar, self-centered, and unable to control his impulses.   Who wants to live with that? [/quote]

This.  Five stars.*****[/quote]

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