Reply to DH and MIL lied to me about knowing about our pregnancy

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP you're getting some rough treatment here.

FWIW my DH and I have had occasional issues around him sharing personal (to me/us) info with my FIL.  I have a somewhat strained relationship with my FIL anyway, but to me, these instances don't make me angry with my FIL or make me rethink our relationship.  To me, the issue is that it seems/feels like DH is still in a place where his family of origin comes first, while I feel like now that we are married with kids we are the family he should feel primary allegiance to.  But I get that for some people that is hard.

I do think your DH betrayed your trust.  First, he did something he said he wouldn't do.  Then, he kept it from you for a long time.  So I do understand feeling betrayed by him.

As for your MIL, would your expectation be that she tell you directly, "I already knew"?  That seems like a major intrusion.  Perhaps she could have said to your DH that he should tell you, and maybe she did, but that seems to me like really overstepping parental boundaries.[/quote]

Thanks - this is really helpful.  You're right, I wouldn't expect her to tell me she knew, necessarily, although that would have been one option.  My hope would have been that she would tell her son, "[b]you should tell her that I know"[/b] instead of manufacturing a spectacle to deceive me.  and/or after I had made clear that the spectacle was not going over well with me, to fess up instead of (when her son wanted to fess up), telling him not to.  I think it was just basic poor judgment on her part, I don't think she's evil, but I can't trust her and feel sad about that.

I do believe strongly that open communication is the foundation of healthy relationships, so that is part of where my strong feelings are coming from here.  People who feel less strongly about open communication probably wouldn't mind it as much.
[/quote]

Honestly, after seeing everything you wrote here, she probably thought there'd be hell to pay if you found out she knew.

What a silly, silly thing to not be able to trust someone over. Your husband put her in a really bad position, for which he owes her an apology.[/quote]

I agree that he owes her an apology and put her in a bad position.

[b]But I disagree that lying to someone about something because they'd be upset if they found out the truth is a reason to lie to someone[/b]... if anything, that is a reason you need to tell them the truth.  I live by this principle and expect my spouse to as well.  If his mother doesn't, that's fine, but I trust her less.[/quote]

HOW do you not see that you are giving DH every reason to keep things from you? He already kept it tucked away for 1.5 years and made another mistake when he confessed it two weeks ago. He'll try not to make that mistake again.

By treating DH like the enemy you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of wondering and worrying what else he's keeping from you.[/quote]

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