Reply to Completely Lost It on my Teen DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]For those of us who don't subscribe to an authoritarian parenting style, it really is hard to understand the need to demand "respect."[/b] As adults, don't we have enough self-respect that we don't need tribute from our children for our self-esteem? [/quote]

I would be considered either authoritarian or authoritative, depending on who is evaluating me and what their standards are. We definitely have rules that are expected to be followed, and the parents are the authority figures in our home. We consider the kids' input at age appropriate levels, but we are not running our home as a democracy. We believe that children need defined rules and limits, and that while the number and strictness of rules should probably decrease as the girls grow up and exhibit increasing amounts of wisdom and responsibility there should still be parental authority for so long as our children have not yet completed their journey to adulthood.

The majority of the reason I "demand" (your word, not mine) respect from my kids is because respect is a core value of our family.

I am a human. I am not "just" my child's parent -- someone she can regard as a source of food, shelter, clothing, funds, advice, rides, phones, and whatever else -- but also, fundamentally a human being who is my own person and with my own inherent human dignity. I love my DDs dearly. But love does not (should not) mean that I will accept rude treatment or that I will allow myself to be demeaned, sworn at, or taken advantage of. That is not love, that is not what I want my children to think love is, that is not the kind of "love" I want them to find someday. Love includes loving yourself -- being strong enough to say, I am worthy of kindness and I am not going to let myself be treated with disdain or disregard. That is something I want to instill in my kids. That is something I think I need to instill in my daughters  especially, because I have seen too many women accepting treatment from spouses or others in their lives that should never be accepted by any person.

All people have inherent human worth and dignity. All people should be treated with basic respect. I am a person. Therefore I should be treated with respect -- not with rudeness, and swearing, and an entitled demanding attitude.

I do not treat my daughters that way, and it is unacceptable for them to treat me that way.

It’s not about increasing my own self-esteem, it’s about another important aspect of teaching values to my kids – in this case teaching them how it is and is not appropriate to treat people. I would assume we could all agree that this is an important part of parenting a child and guiding them as they develop into the adult they are to become.
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