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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
NP here.  I don't think PP was suggesting that we should all choose our children's religion based on our MIL's preferences.  But  it is equally wrong to suggest that a Jewish MIL isn't entitled to have her own feelings about having a Christian grandchild.  Compromise is hard, and even decisions made for all of the right reasons aren't always going to make everyone happy.  E.g., even though it is right for my DH and I to live here in DC, I know it makes my mom sad that we don't live closer to her.  We're not about to move across the country to please my mom, but she still has a right to miss us and wish we lived closer (so long as she expresses it in a reasonable, respectful way, which she does.)  I love and respect my mom and her feelings, so I do what I can to make it up to her by calling regularly, skyping with the kids, flying out as much as we can, etc.

Obviously religion is more complicated, but it's the same idea.  Your MIL is your husband's MOM and your kids' grandma.  I assume she loves and cares about you guys, and if so she is going to have feelings about decisions that you make.  She doesn't have to agree with everything you do, she just has to treat you respectfully.

In addition to the general fact that grandparents are going to feel feelings about their children and grandchildren, it is a fact that Jews, and older ones in particular, often have VERY strong feelings about having Jewish children and grandchildren.   First of all, intermarriage is prohibited by Jewish law.  But also, Jews have been persecuted and almost wiped out so many times throughout ancient and recent history, and it's natural that over time that would result in people who feel threatened by assimilation.  And it's a fact taht interfaith marriages (on the whole) lead to assimilation.  This is not personal and you should not take it personally.

Of course, Jewish grandparents should find a way to express their feelings in respectful ways, and only to the extent appropriate and comfortable for everyone.  Whether or not it is respectful and appropriate to miss your child's communion, etc. is something only you and your DH can determine.  But you can't, and shouldn't expect your MIL to have no feelings at all about having Christian grandchildren.         [/quote]
New poster here.  I'm tied up in interfaith stuff all day long, and here's what I have to say:

A Jewish MIL is absolutely entitled to want a Jewish grandchild, and to be sad when the child isn't.  However, that bridge was crossed when she raised her son.  If it was so important to her to have Jewish grandchildren, she should have raised her son with the ironclad belief that he should marry Jewish.  She didn't.  He married a non-Jew.  That's a fact of life, and MIL does not get a seat at the committee that decides what religion her grandchildren will take. That decision is out of her hands.

There IS one decision that MIL still gets to make.  That decision is whether or not she will have a relationship with the grandchildren.  This relationship will be undoubtedly affected by whether or not MIL attends important events in her grandchildren's lives, and whether or not she embraces them regardless of religion.  It's unrealistic to expect the relationship not to suffer when intolerance is present. What do you think will happen to the other person when they continually hear things like...I love you but I don't like your religion so I won't attend any of your religious rites...I love you but I disagree with your choice of major so I won't attend your graduation...I love you but I disagree with your choice of partner so I won't be at the wedding..and so on.  You are entitled to do that. But you cannot expect the relationship not to suffer.

At the end of the day, MIL is only hurting herself by damaging her relationship with her grandchildren.  She needs grandchildren more than they need her.  They are looking into the future. She's looking at the decline of her life.  [/quote]

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