Reply to Straight A's but only if I yell

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

I' m not the PP to whom you are directing your aggressive question, but I'll offer an idea.

How do you measure effort?  You don't.

Instead, you talk with your child in a way that helps THEM learn to notice, measure and assess their effort. Because ultimately, that's what it's all about. Not doing it for Mommy, but doing it for themselves.

What does this look like in reality?

It's a dialogue where the focus is on THEM, not you.

For example, you ask them how they went about preparing for something. You ask them how they feel about the effort they put in. You ask them what they think of the outcome. You ask them what they think about the relationship between their effort and the outcome.

Do you ask these questions all at once?  Of course not. It's not an inquisition.

Do you you ask them after every assignment or grade?  Again, no.

Instead, you integrate the questions in small bits into the many other conversations you have over time  time with your DC. You ask sometimes when they do well (to hear them describe to you and to themselves what was effective).  And you ask sometimes when they didn't do well. It's just a normal "sometimes" topic of conversation among many others.

But here's the key:

You need to have the right motive and intent in asking these questions.

You don't ask about their efforts (or their feelings about their efforts or results) as a test or a quiz to see if they come up with the "right" answer according to you.

You ask because you're curious and eager to understand your child as he is right now, to hold his hand as he figures things out and develops over time.  You ask in order to listen, and you listen to understand. Not necessarily to correct. Help your kid slow down enough to notice and evaluate his own choices, and give him space and cheer him on as he learns to make choices that work.

Again, you need to honest with yourself up front. if you're going to ask your kid questions like this with judgment (or worse, with "corrective action" in mind if he's not yet where you think he should be), please hold your tongue. You will only do further damage, and it's best to steer clear. 
[/quote]

So we should have periodic talks with our children about how they "feel" about homework? This sounds beyond manipulative, because your kid knows exactly why you're asking these so-called benign questions. Kids can see right through this stuff.

Have we all lost our minds? Why can't any of you see any middle ground between helicoptering your kid into Harvard vs. abdicating all responsibility for guidance and using manipulation instead? There has to be some common sense.[/quote]

It's not manipulation if you allow them to make the up choice untimely and live with the natural consequences.

For example, DD decided to turn in an incomplete homework assignment.  I knew about it. We talked about it briefly. She made her choice. The teacher made her take it home and complete it. DD gained nothing from her choice in the end. What did she learn from it?  What will she do differently next time?  We'll see.

My intent in talking with her before she turned in the assignment was not to manipulate her into finishing it. It was to help get slow down and think about her choice. But ultimately it was her choice. And her consequence.

Of course, she'll have plenty more choices in similar situations this year. I'm confident she'll figure our how to make decisions that serve her well. [/quote]

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