Reply to Straight A's but only if I yell

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why are you so concerned with "measuring" your kids? What are you "measuring" them against?

What are you so afraid will happen if they don't "measure" up, either temporarilily or permanently? 
And why are you so convinced that they will only "measure" up if you force them to?[/quote]

Accusing me of "measuring" my kids is complete distortion of what I just said. I'll thank you for stopping that.

My point was, I actually agree that grades shouldn't be the measure. I never, ever said we should "force" kids to get As.

However, I do heartily believe that we should encourage [b]effort [/b](the bold is for your own, private benefit). Without encouraging effort we end up with a nation of entitled slackers who are still living with Mom and Dad in their 30s, and Mom and Dad are still paying the cable bill and shopping for the chips. Is that really what you want?  So I asked you how you [b]measure effort [/b] since we agree that we shouldn't be measuring grades. So why don't you go back and try again to answer the question. [/quote]

I' m not the PP to whom you are directing your aggressive question, but I'll offer an idea.

How do you measure effort?  You don't.

Instead, you talk with your child in a way that helps THEM learn to notice, measure and assess their effort. Because ultimately, that's what it's all about. Not doing it for Mommy, but doing it for themselves.

What does this look like in reality?

It's a dialogue where the focus is on THEM, not you.

For example, you ask them how they went about preparing for something. You ask them how they feel about the effort they put in. You ask them what they think of the outcome. You ask them what they think about the relationship between their effort and the outcome.

Do you ask these questions all at once?  Of course not. It's not an inquisition.

Do you you ask them after every assignment or grade?  Again, no.

Instead, you integrate the questions in small bits into the many other conversations you have over time  time with your DC. You ask sometimes when they do well (to hear them describe to you and to themselves what was effective).  And you ask sometimes when they didn't do well. It's just a normal "sometimes" topic of conversation among many others.

But here's the key:

You need to have the right motive and intent in asking these questions.

You don't ask about their efforts (or their feelings about their efforts or results) as a test or a quiz to see if they come up with the "right" answer according to you.

You ask because you're curious and eager to understand your child as he is right now, to hold his hand as he figures things out and develops over time.  You ask in order to listen, and you listen to understand. Not necessarily to correct. Help your kid slow down enough to notice and evaluate his own choices, and give him space and cheer him on as he learns to make choices that work.

Again, you need to honest with yourself up front. if you're going to ask your kid questions like this with judgment (or worse, with "corrective action" in mind if he's not yet where you think he should be), please hold your tongue. You will only do further damage, and it's best to steer clear. 
[/quote]

I happen to agree with you that the point is internal motivation. I asked a reasonable question.

Your post speaks more to what's going on in your own warped, manipulative mind. I NEVER SAID the things you attribute to me. Instead, you've twisted my post into some sort of fascist inquisition focussed on the parent not the child, by putting a whole bunch of words into my mouth and assuming things that nobody sane or rationale could read in my post. This says a whole lot more about you than about me. You're psychotic, and your own post is incredibly aggressive and manipulative.

Goodbye.[/quote]

Perhaps my post was not clear.  I apologize for that!

To clear the air, please know that I was not attributing  anything to you, other than a question about how to measure results.  And I was offering my point of view on that issue.

As for the structure of my post, I like advice that include specifics, not just generalities or theories.  Specific examples are very helpful to me, and I assume to others.

So the framework I chose  to communicate my thoughts was a version of "Do this. Don't do that."  Again, I was trying to make it specific and concrete.

Looking back, I can see how you thought I was criticizing you directly. I absolutely wasn't! As you said, there was nothing in your previous post that said any of those things.

But yes, I did use the  word "you" instead of something more universal like "we," "one," or even "a parent" in laying out my "do this / Don't do that" ideas.

So of course, I apologize for offending you. I did not mean to do that.

I was merely. offering my opinion on how to sharpen our kids' abilities to measure their own effort, rather than look to or rely on their parents to monitor it on their behalf. You may disagree, which is of course just fine. To each her own.

Again, I am sorry I offended you. Peace. [/quote]

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