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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]13:23 again-

what you describe is very honest and accurate assessment of a lot of the problems i see in relationships all around me.

I admire you for being able to see that clearly and admit that there are certain things you'd like to see change.

many people (women) would be outraged at the notion that a woman likes to lead at times or that a man should just schedule a date and let you know where to be and what to wear! i've seen it right here on DCUM.

with respect to career talk with wife, i don't ask my wife for input there at all on how to do what i need to do.  i do update her time to time on what is going on and if there are major changes coming, discuss them with her and see that we're on the same page.  but my career is my career and she knows i'll handle it as best as i can.

OP: what about the other areas of his life?  is he in shape?  does he take care of himself and his appearance?  does he do other things to improve himself and broaden his horizons?

I am going to guess no.

Men have to realize that there is no resting on our laurels.  We have to keep improving, have to stay sharp, have to continue being the best man we can be - or nature will take its course and eventually wife will recoil at the notion of us touching them.

[/quote]

Hi, 13:23, it's OP.  I didn't see this post originally.  The answer to all of your questions is not really.  He got really motivated for awhile to take care of himself and get in shape, and then some stressors hit us and he's reverted.  I try to be encouraging there but again, I have to tread lightly or I am being a critical bitch and he shuts down.  I have strongly encouraged him to go back to school, something he's always wanted to do and that I am willing to support him in doing (financially, emotionally and by picking up the slack at home), but he's waffling there too.  I would find his initiative to take that bull by its horns, study hard and kick ass very attractive.  I KNOW he could do it.

And you know, your last point is really spot on too.  Men expect us to stay thin, attractive, well-dressed, be supermoms, etc etc but fail to realize that we want an attractive partner too, not one who is just resigned to the inevitability of aging.  That said, DH does try.  I just wish he'd hang in there with me, and I feel like he's not. And I want to help him, but feel like he won't really let me, since all he seems to want is a cheerleader.  Any hint of challenging his assumptions, thought process, etc and he gets defensive.   [/quote]

OP, I'm not 13:23, but we've been chatting on this thread all day.

I absolutely completely understand the feeling that he wants a cheerleader. This bothered me about DH (my second husband, who I just posted about being emotional just now). I have learned in the course of our relationship that there are some times when he wants someone to sit down with him and help solve the problems, come up with a game plan, etc. and there are also times when he wants a shoulder to cry on, literally or otherwise. It's often hard to identify which times are which, so I have started asking specifically whether he wants comfort or planning. If he says he just wants comfort, I provide comfort. If he says he needs help sorting out a plan, I do that. If I feel like he is asking for planning and then ignoring the plan and wanting comfort instead, I try to get to the bottom of why it's hard for him to plan, what would make him feel more empowered, etc. In return, if I feel like I need emotional support rather than practical advice, I say that. I say, "DH, I really appreciate your ideas but right now, I'd really just like you to hold me and tell me it's all going to work out. We can talk about HOW it works out later, but right now, I just want comfort."[/quote]

PP, I hear you.  Logically, that's a great approach, and I've tried that.  But sometimes I get tired of how much of this squishy touchy-feely we have to do.  It's EXHAUSTING, you know?  I don't want to feel like I'm in a therapy session in my living room 4-5 times a week.  [/quote]

I completely agree. But as I mentioned earlier, I think you guys are in a period of stress and transition from moving and that a lot of squishy touchy feely is to be expected. Also a fair amount of EXHAUSTING. I completely understand, and I also understand that your whole post was a vent and absolutely respect your need to vent. It sounds like maybe your husband could use a place to vent other than you himself. I would say introduce him to DCUM but like as not, the harpies would eviscerate him in pretty short order.

Have you guys done anything to rekindle the flames? Do you get any time to yourselves? I've never been a big believer in a couples "weekend" because in my experience, if you are exhausted from the daily (emotional) grind, it takes the first day or so to acclimate to not being at home anymore and by the time you're finally emotionally in a position to enjoy yourself and your spouse, it's time to go home. Would it be possible for you to get away for a week or something? It sounds like you could use a break on a beach.[/quote]

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