Reply to S/O Why can’t moms just chill and be nice?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Not everyone is nice. They just aren't.

If you have a pattern of being the victim of bullies, it might make sense to look into why. You might need to improve your social skills. [/quote]

Because people with poor social skills get bullied by poorly matured adult women?   I think the bullies might need to improve their social skills.[/quote]

So much this. [/quote]

I am so glad someone said this. Sometimes I feel like I live in upside-down land because some of these comments are so backwards.

In my experience the best thing you can do when being bullied is remove yourself from the situation. It's the only behavioral change a victim can make that will actually cease the bully-victim dynamic, which is generally caused by the emotional immaturity/dysfunciton of the bully, not that of the victim.

Example: Victoria (victim) and Belinda (bully) work together. Victoria has some irritating behaviors, including talking excessively even when others are trying to work. There are several emotionally mature ways to address Victoria's behavior. One option would be to simply steer clear of her, knowing her excessive talking will annoy you. Another option might be set clear boundaries, for instance by telling her "Victoria, I need to get back to my work, I can't talk to you anymore right now" and being consistent with it. If Victoria's behavior didn't improve or continue to distract or annoy, you might reach out to her supervisor to ask them to speak to her about excessive talking in the office. All of these responses are fine.

But Belinda is emotionally immature and these measured, mature responses to Victoria's talking don't feel satisfying to her. She wants to punish Victoria for annoying her, because Belinda scores high on narcissism and views Victoria's annoying personality trait as a personal offense against Belinda. However, Belinda does not communicate directly because she does not like taking responsibility for her own feelings. Instead she will seek to passively harm Victoria through social manipulation. She will discuss Victoria casually with other colleagues, gossiping about how annoying Victoria is and speculating as to *why* she's annoying. She will be friendly to Victoria's face in the office, but criticize her continually behind her back. Belinda won't simply avoid Victoria as others do, she will seek to exclude Victoria while making sure Victoria knows she's being excluded. Belinda's goal is not merely to minimize interaction with Victoria (in fact Belinda will sometimes seek Victoria out or invite her to things because Belinda wants to see the negative impact her behavior has on Victoria -- the goal is to punish Victoria for annoying Belinda). Belinda will view Victoria's behavior as intentional and directed at Belinda, even when it's clearly just an annoying trait Victoria has with everyone.

Once this dynamic is in place, nothing Victoria does will change Belinda's feelings towards her. Victoria could stop speaking altogether, but Belinda will then be annoyed by Victoria's lack of speech. Or this will encourage Belinda, who will say "see, she could control it all along -- she was doing it on purpose to annoy me." Belinda will likely find other things she doesn't like about Victoria, to help justify her outsized dislike of her. She will criticize how Victoria dresses, her hobbies, etc., to emphasize that Victoria doesn't belong. If Victoria attempts to change her clothes or fit in better with people in the office, Belinda will label this behavior "desperate" or "try hard." It won't work.

The ONLY option for Victoria, unless Belinda suddenly leaves or company management miraculously decides to intervene (this never happens), is to quit that job and start over elsewhere. Or maybe transfer to another division if the company is large enough. And sure, this experience might lead her to be more careful about her talking problem at future jobs. But her excessive talking didn't cause the bullying. That was entirely caused by Belinda's own emotional and behavioral limitations. A mature person would be able to navigate a talkative colleague without trying to emotionally and reputationally destroy that colleague. But Belinda is not a mature person. She has a dark triad personality (high in narcissism, social manipulation, and psychopathy or lack of empathy) and likely needs intensive therapy to alter her dysfunctional social behaviors. There is no appeasing her. She's an abuser.[/quote]

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