Reply to If you don't want sex, then shouldn't YOU be the one to leave and divorce?

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Reply to "If you don't want sex, then shouldn't YOU be the one to leave and divorce?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Marriage is more than just sex.  [/quote]

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?[/quote]

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.[/quote]

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.[/quote]

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.[/quote]

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

[/quote]

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.[/quote]

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.[/quote]

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.[/quote]

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.[/quote]

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves. [/quote]

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.[/quote]

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.[/quote]

Another PP.

And it will be a mistake to assume that spouse who does not want sex is low drive. They may just be tired of dealing with someone who is not meeting other non-sexual expectations and decide that using a vibrator is less drama.[/quote]

So staying married to someone you despise is ethical? [/quote]

Honoring your commitments is ethical, marriage was a commitment, so yes[/quote]

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