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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm an adult and do adult things that are outside the view of my children all the time.  What do I tell myself?  That I'm finally enjoying a sex life I was missing for years with someone else who is in the same situation.  I'm not going to divorce over sex although I won't rule it out in the long run.  If there was any chance in hell to save this part of my marriage, I wouldn't be having an affair but I have exhausted all avenues.  She has made the choice for herself that she is done with sex and it doesn't matter to her how that effects me or our marriage.  Since starting the affair, I've lost the deep seated anger and bitterness I've had towards her and I'm much more at peace around her and the family.  I'd much prefer having a sex life with her than any AP I could find but it's not to be.  We all make hard choices in life.  This is not ideal but it works for now. [/quote]

I wonder what in your brokenness gives you self control with your emotions now that you are literally destroying your wife’s life.   [b]Just be a man and ask for an open marriage,[/b] stop behaving like a middle schooler.  You put so much thought and planning into avoiding the real issues, try putting a little effort into accountability.[/quote]

+100.  Be an adult and tell your wife that you are not happy going without sex and that you want to re-negotiate the sexual aspect of the marriage.  How does she see you moving forward? Is there a way to stay together while you sleep with other people?  Is she allowed to sleep with other people?  What kind of relationships can you each feel comfortable with - one night stands?  medium or long term affair partners?  people inside or outside your current circle?  is there some kind of post-nuptial written agreement that can be negotiated that would give each person the security they need in terms of potential divorce terms?

The problem with the cheaters is that they really don't want to negotiate.  They want to dictate terms, and they do so by keeping their behavior secret and doing what they please, hoping that if they can keep their betrayed spouse from knowing, then the betrayed spouse won't ask for their own sexual needs and other needs to be met. It's always amazing to me how cheaters with wives who won't sleep with them think that their wife doesn't like sex any more.  No, she doesn't like sex with YOU any more, and part of the reason you cheat is so that you can control her sexuality, and she doesn't sleep with other people. [/quote]Nope, I'm not asking permission for an open marriage which she would never agree to.  She didn't ask permission to end our sex life.  This is what happens when you go that route and don't care.  I care much more about our marriage than she does.  Other than our sex life, we get along fine and even better now.  I don't need permission to be happy.  It's only sex and she places no importance on sex so I've removed that burden from her.  [/quote]

Sounds reasonable to me, TBH. And if there’s truly no sex then you’re not putting her health at risk.

My question is what do you do when you need a basic, low level of emotional intimacy in order to want to have sex with your spouse but they refuse to do any real work towards that? If you are the one recommending therapy (both couples and solo), recommending books, trying to initiate conversations for YEARS and they just keep their head down and want to act like you haven’t been communicating how unhappy you are for years? What then? Just because they’ll f*** you still, you just have to deal? My body literally feels unsafe around my spouse.  I cannot make myself do it. I have a high drive and it’s killing me but I need emotional and physical intimacy to find some semblance of happiness. [/quote]

If that sounds reasonable to you then the intimacy part probably has more to do with you than you are willing to see.  [/quote]

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