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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I believe in telling the kids. Not trauma dumping, not sharing details, not processing your issues with them. Just telling them calmly and directly why their family unit as they know it is ending (without graphic detail or emotionally charged blaming language). It’s their family, too, and they deserve to be able to start processing it and moving forward themselves. [/quote]
This is so stupid. Happy people don’t cheat out of the blue. So if you destroy your kids’ relationship with one of their parents over this, you are immature and stupid. If the kids ask when you’re an adult sure tell them. But tattling on a partner who made a horrible mistake when you were not 100% blameless is insane and when your kids reach adulthood or midlife they will understand the big picture. Yes cheaters suck but ruining your kids lives with this info means you suck too. [/quote]

Owning your mistakes reduces their power to inflict additional damage.   I believe the wayward spouse should tell the kids without blaming the faithful spouse, express deep remorse and stop pretending to be someone they are not.  Details are not required, but avoiding accountability and open communication is what allowed adultery to impact their lives.  Prove you can grow from the experience and be a better person, both spouses are imperfect and played a role in the deterioration of the relationship and family.  Only one chose to selfishly live a secret life over doing the hard work to make it better or making the hard choice to leave.  [/quote]
So a close friend of mine was in a situation where for years she told her DH she was unhappy and wanted some connection. She initiated talks, gave suggestions, and waited until he was ready to lean in. He never did. He did some performative stuff for a week or two then just let everything linger. She calmly said she felt disconnected, there was no intimacy, etc. like the dude had zero interest in her career or anything. He kept begging off therapy, wouldn’t do any at-home stuff to connect with her. Years of this and she found someone who was like an escape from the desert of love her home had become. [b]She didn’t leave because of finances[/b] and young kids. Should this really be placed 100% on her? Sure she never should’ve crossed the line, but that sure seems like they both messed up to me. [/quote]
So she didn't want to get a job, she just f***ed around instead? What a nasty friend. I can't believe you're admitting that you think that's ok. [/quote]
She works. Nice assumption. [/quote]
Not enough to support herself apparently? [/quote]
Herself, yes. Her kids with an apartment big enough for them in the same school district? No. Are you going to say it’s a moral failing that she’s not wealthy? Are you going to berate her for mommy tracking herself so her DH could go back to school and follow his dreams? How else you trying to turn this story into something black and white? I’m not defending her decision to cheat on him, but I am not stupid enough to think it wasn’t a very human thing to do. Believe me, I’ve had to unpack a lot of my beliefs and see where I land. But I know that people who walk around thinking that “all cheaters are evil and selfish trash” maybe are a bit like those hateful republicans who hate gay people because, you know, they’re gay. [/quote]
How much does she actually work? Is this like a PT situation? Instead of getting a better job so she could support herself AND her children, she stays with a man for his pay cheque while she fu[i]c[/i]ks other men. She selfishly chose her husbands pay cheque over her marriage vows. What do you mean pp is turning this story into something black and white? It's stark black and white. She could have divorced and hustled to support her children. Instead, she took the lazy selfish easy way out and cheated on her husband - who apparently is paying all the bills!! It's even worse than a fully functioning adult cheating, she's a dependent and STILL CHOSE TO CHEAT. Disgusting that you're dismissing the criticisms. Sounds like her head (and yours) is so far up her own ass she can't see how terrible of a person she is. [/quote]

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