Reply to Breaking up with my toxic mom group (Ashley Tisdale essay)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't know one womens group that doesn’t eventually break up or splinter, for various reasons.

Even if they get together on occasion they are one big happy organism feeding positively off each other. They are many groups of 2 or 3 loosely connected to others.

Also friendship wax and wane that is life.

How do you get past 25 years old and not understand this. [/quote]

Yeah.  I kind of thought she really shot herself in the foot here by breaking off with every member of the group.  She should have just spent more time with the people she got along with and less time with the larger group.  [/quote]

It’s weird to be half in and half out with a group. Better to have a clean break.[/quote]

No group does everything together. We have a large friend group in our neighborhood and not a single event has everyone at it because people do have other things going on in their lives. I can also do things with some of the members of the group if I want. It's not a monolith. [/quote]

This isn't really that deep. The other women were just not good enough friends to want to tolerate any BS. If she felt slighted or ostracized she doesn't owe friendship to one or two of the women who were basically acquaintances or randomly sent her flowers then ignored her. This was not a lifelong friendship. It has run its course.[/quote]

That's fine. I just think it's dramatic to say you have to break away from the entire group because some people don't like you. Just don't hang out with them then. [/quote]

If your "friends" are planning a group outing at your kids birthday right in front of you, not including you, they aren't very good friends. These people suck and the posters bending over backwards to explain it away or blame the people who don't stand for poor treatment sounds a little nutty. It's ok to move on and make new friends, these people sound pretty awful. [/quote]

It's fine if you want to read the more dramatic version of events. The way she wrote it she didn't explain how she "knew" they planned the other event while at her daughter's birthday party. I think she was being overly sensitive (which I get, she had a young child/children at the time and that's exhausting/draining). That doesn't mean she has to be friends with these people. If you don't want to spend time with them, then don't. I just think she, and many of the posters here, are being very dramatic. [/quote]

I have seen people plan events right in front of me. I am not deaf and I doubt Ashley is either. I didn't expect to be included because I didn't know the group that well but they were literally planning it so I got up and walked away. People are so wrapped up in themselves they do things like this. Why are you cutting the friends slack but not Ashely? She has to explain how she "knew" vs just taking her at face value? Why are you finding it so hard to just take her word for it?[/quote]

+1 The anecdote about the women planning a get together without her while attending her party reminded me of this old memory from when I was in a group like this. I had a housewarming party and my husband and I invited everyone -- it was just a huge sprawling party and I included everyone from this group of friends even if I wasn't close to them because that's the kind of party it was.

There were these two women from that group who came even though we'd never spent much time together. I thought "how nice, maybe we'll get to know each other better." They spent the entire party glued to each other (even though they knew many people at the party) and taking themselves on a "tour" of the house -- I'd go to get something out of a back closet for the party and find them coming out of like the master bathroom together, giggling. At one point they approached me and demanded to know how much we'd paid for the house, which I thought was a weird thing to do but it's public info so I just answered truthfully (and it wasn't some super expensive home -- it was a small townhouse near the bottom of the price range for where we lived at the time). They ran off giggling after that.

I wrote off their behavior as weird and maybe the result of being socially awkward or drinking too much. Then weeks later I was going out with a few other friends from the group and we were going to a restaurant like a block from my house so I told them that if anyone wanted to come over early and leave their car parked at my house, if driving, they were welcome to. Two of the people in this group hadn't been to my house before and were close friends with the two giggling women. They said to me beforehand "oh yes, we HAVE to see this house we've heard so much about." Again, I thought this was weird because I had not personally talked about the house much at all and also it's a pretty basic house. When they came they looked around interested and said things like "oh it's not what I expected" or "oh, actually it's *nice*."

Did I witness the giggling women talking a bunch of $hit about my house and how much I paid for it? Nope. Do I know basically what was going on in this situation and that I was the subject of some nasty gossip about my home and maybe my finances, by people who don't know me well at all? Yes, because I'm not stupid.[/quote]

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