Reply to Including young adult not on good terms with in family vacation

Forum Index » Adult Children

Reply to "Including young adult not on good terms with in family vacation "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I can’t imagine leaving out one of my kids from a vacation, [b]even if they had dropped out of college (I don’t even see why that point would be relevant - it’s not like even a hard working 20 yr old could afford to join you on such a vacation)[/b]. If you are inviting and paying for your 4 other kids to go on this vacation, to me it is clear that you should be inviting and paying for this kid to go, too.

It sucks that this kid is prickly, it sucks that another one of your kids and this kid don’t get along. I’d focus on that last point. Is it possible for those two kids to go to a couple of therapy sessions together, for the sake of their relationship generally, not this trip specifically. Also I’d set clear expectations for behaviors before the trip happens, and don’t single out any one kid or cite old incidents. E.g., if someone is verbally rude, call them out on it at that moment. Don’t take sides. If there are shared rooms, have this middle child share with the younger siblings. [/quote]
It was relevant to me because we still financially support the children in college and therefore pay for their vacations with no question. The one who dropped out is self-supporting. 
For our family, if you're a student, we provide financial support.  That's pretty common.  They can stay on our health insurance for example, but not if they drop from school.  That's all.[/quote]

So say one of the older kids is a college graduate next year, but doesn’t have a job in their field and is working at J Crew to make money. They likely couldn’t afford their “share” of a family vacation, are you going to exclude them, too? I suspect not. You are looking for reasons to exclude this child. I am sure there is a lot of history as to why this child acts the way they do around you. [/quote]
I have no idea as we haven’t gotten there yet. I suspect you don’t have a child this difficult if you are so accusatory. Most relationships aren’t one person’s fault although the answer seems to always be “blame the mom”. [/quote]
If YOU choose to treat your children with different levels of favortism then yes, it’s absolutely a “blame the parent” situation. You sound willfully ignorant of how your behavior is affecting this relationship. You’d rather bestow money and praise and vacations on the golden  children and keep one locked up in the basement eating their crusts. You don’t think kids pick up on this??[/quote]
Well you’re picking and choosing what you want to see. This child has gotten more resources and time from us than any other child in our family. We have tried so dang hard. Do you enjoy being around people that make you walk on eggshells? That ignore anything you tell them while you watch them make terrible choices? That choose to ignore you unless they want something? It’s exhausting and depressing. I have tried to treat my kids as equally as possible but of course it doesn’t come off that way when one doesn’t call or respond to texts.  Of course I am closer to the ones who actually call and are kind. The ones that say thank you and don’t act like a-holes to other people on a trip? That doesn’t mean I am scapegoating. It means I am a human being with feelings.

This thread has stopped being helpful - so I will stop responding now. - op[/quote]
It’s hard to put yourself out there, so kudos to you, OP.

Even if only for confirmation, it likely would be very beneficial for you to talk one-on-one, individually, with a psychodynamic/family systems therapist to help work through your feelings and possible next steps.

Your adult child who's especially challenging at the moment is still your kid, who you obviously care about, and a detached professional can often offer a helpful perspective.

Truthfully, it’s not your job to field how your kids interact and get along once they’re adults, and since you’ve mentioned a few times that you’re playing referee,[b] it also might be worth holding off on this vacation as a family (as another pp suggested), until things are calmer. Why not take a break and get away with just your spouse for some genuine relaxation? 
[/b]
Families can go through rough patches, and hopefully with some time and tlc for everyone, things will eventually become more stable and peaceful. Best to you. [/quote]

That's what I was thinking. Maybe pass on the group trip and invite everyone to come visit you at home on their schedule (offer to pay for their transportation). Then they can decide if they want to plan with a sibling or just come on their own, or not come at all. Put the ball in the middle kid's court to figure out.

Some of these posters are being particularly harsh. You do have a responsibility to all your children and it's not fair to solely index on the problem child at the expense of others. I have a friend in her 50s whose parents did that with her younger brother who is an alcoholic and pretty darn mean and she is so mad at them, and attending therapy herself, for years of expecting her to put up with it and always forcing his inclusion because she was more agreeable and better adjusted. It's such a difficult situation to be in as parents. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics