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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It seems you are locked into a conflict spiral with one of your children, OP. Please consider what part your behavior has played. You seem to be holding a serious grudge against this young adult because he could not stick to his studies. You seem to be very preoccupied with a transactional view of your respective roles: you give him money, he does what you want. And now you've made clear to him that you despise him, well, he's making it clear to others, and perhaps you, that he's bitter about your rejection and lack of understanding. It's never going to get better unless the most mature person stops retaliating. If you both persist, you will never see each other again. Is this what you actually want?

What you should also know is that lots of young adults are not fully mature, and don't yet fully value the sacrifices their parents made for them, or struggle with accepting their parents as they are. Usually it's because despite being helpful, the parent was also controlling, or authoritarian in a way the young adult has not yet processed and accepted. It happens very often, because different generations have different ideas on parental authority and how much psychological support to offer their kids. Money is not the only support that children need.

I was such a young adult: my mother was verbally abusive. She herself does not see it in the same light, because she paid for my schooling and clothes and food, and was a mother hen, so why would I complain about her yelling and constant criticism about everything from my grades to my looks? At 30, I understood that she would never understand. At 40, I now accept she did the best she could with the upbringing and emotional bandwidth she had. We have a cordial long-distance relationship. I keep visits short, because otherwise she starts criticizing everything again. It takes A LOT of maturity for an adult to look past the hurt their loved ones cause. Your young adult does not have that maturity, but YOU are supposed to have it.

I advise you to give your child grace while they continue to mature. They are bitter and will stay bitter for a long time. But it's important to keep family ties, in my opinion (which is why I never cut off my mother entirely). I'm sure on some level it does the rest of the family good to see each other. You don't know what the future holds. You need to take the long view and the high road. I don't think you'll regret it.

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This is good advice OP - and perhaps getting therapy yourself from a parenting perspective. If you haven't already. This kid is crying out for love but in a very difficult way. My son is oppositional. Been there and done that. And parenting  kid with oppositional behavior takes a different kind of parenting. Not one I understood intuitively.  I'm not perfect but I have some better relational skills now, that help us all get along better and help him be more successful.  And as he ages, he gets better at managing his behavior too.  You can't control your kid but you can control your approach to your kid.

You can set boundaries. Set expectations of being polite to one another. Straight out tell your kid you love them and want them on this trip. And that all families have complicated dynamics that can bring out hurt. And you get that. But you ask they not say mean things to others during the vacation and you have asked the others  to do the same. And you set that same expectation for yourself. Bring them in on the (expectations) planning - tell them you are all transitioning to having adult kids with adult needs - but still find joy and value in getting together like this once a year.  Yest you know families are complicated. Each person has unique needs. You are all figuring out boundaries as people age and become more independent.  How can you all make this work? Together.

Still expect some hurt.  But shape this as a complex family dynamic and not just the one child dynamic.  You might be pleasantly surprised. [/quote]
Do you have a particular therapist you'd recommend that was good with dealing with an oppositional child?[/quote]

PP here.  The therapy and parenting approaches are for the parent.  Not the kid.  My child was already in therapy and we went to Quince Orchard Therapy which I think is now Orchard Mental Health.  It doesn't have to be from abuse and neglect, like another poster mentioned.  And my son didn't get the full ODD diagnosis.  He has oppositional traits.  It stems from emotional dysregulation and low frustration tolerance, which are common in kids with ADHD and anxiety, which my son has.  Where I would come down hard on misbehavior, I needed to approach differently. Instead, I praised him all the time for the good things he did. I very clearly stated expectations, that were reasonable for his abilities, and the consequences, which were also reasonable.  And then tried to set him up for success as much as possible.  But I did impose consequences when he did something wrong.  And by wrong I mean things like hitting people.

For example, not knowing your dynamic with your kid, I'd approach them and say you are planning the vacation, and you'd really like them to come. That you enjoy their company. You realize there were some tense moments last time (helpful if you have specific examples) and ask for their input on how to best avoid them.  And praise and thank them genuinely when they help deliver.   This, honestly, would be the exact opposite of what I would WANT to do. Against every instinct. And that's why it's a parenting approach and not therapy for the kid.  If that makes sense. I took some PEP classes when my son was younger, but I would try the teen ones now for your young adult. https://pepparentonline.org/l/products?courseCategory=Age:+Teens&sortKey=created_at&sortDirection=asc&page=1

Keep the long game in mind.  You are trying to develop/transition into an adult relationship with your kid, who is at times difficult. They probably think the same about you.  It doesn't mean either of you is a bad person. Just that you clash. But that can be managed with some practice and know-how.   Wishing you all the best. [/quote]

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