Reply to Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would not do the ski trip.

Disability aside he needs to learn to do his work despite not wanting to. I have adhd and my son has adhd and if he wasn’t doing his work there’s no way I would let him go.

IF he was doing the work and still got bad grades because of a disability, then I would let him go. It’s the EFFORT that needs to be rewarded.

If you let him go to ski club you’re essentially saying “our words mean nothing!” And next time he’ll push harder.
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I am the adult that posted before you and consequences didn't change how my brain worked. I really wish they did and I could just focus and get my work done if I knew there was some kind of consequence but for me that isn't how my brain works. My issue back when I was a teen was that I could do well without much effort. My grades in high school weren't stellar as there were so many little assignments and things I didn't hand in but once in college when it was just exams and maybe one major assignment - I could just coast and cram and get good grades. [/quote]

But you and OP’s kid could be different. I was poor growing up and I couldn’t afford to lose my coat. I was a totally forgetful kid (like I said, I have adhd too) and the first time I lost my coat, it was a huge consequence of not having one for a month until my family could get one. I can assure you that I never lost my coat again.

He needs to have a reason to keep up with schoolwork. Right now he doesn’t care about grades, so what does he care about? Ski club. His parents made it crystal clear what would happen. He chose to push boundaries. And yes sometimes it’s a choice. It isn’t a choice to not be able to read the words on the page because your brain is swimming with thoughts, but it’s a choice to not open that book at all. To not even try. [/quote]

It is true people are different. I truly wish that I was able to just focus and get all my work done like you and others can if there was a threat of consequence. It would have made my life a million times easier. Not being able to just sit down and get everything done even under the threat of consequence has always been my issue. Unfortunately for me, I haver never found anything that just lets me choose to sit down and focus and get all my required work done on time.

As I said, I have no issue with OP following through on consequences. My parents did too, and I have tried to punish myself as an adult too but unfortunately that didn't allow me to choose to get all my work done on time. Hopefully it does work for OPs son and now he will always do his work on time.[/quote]

PP, you have posted a lot about your own experience. The person you were responding to has ADHD and a kid with ADHD, as do I. There needs to be consequences, plain and simple. Everyone who has ADHD can relate to what you are saying. As I have told my child “you can’t kid a kidder.” We know what you are feeling and it’s not fair, but that doesn’t mean that you just give up. You develop different strategies, you get help, you try different medications. That would be my recommendation to you. [/quote]

As the PP said, ADHD Is different for everyone and her that PP and you as well, being able to choose to do all your work if there is a threat of consequence is something I am jealous of. I could sit down to do work and spend 10 hours and still not get my work done. I would set an alarm and get up early and still not get my work done. I have no issue with consequences - I am just saying that for me, it wasn't just a choice. So the consequences didn't really change anything. You could consequence me left right and center and I still wasn't able to sit down and get my work done. I am glad it isn't that way for others and for you when there are conseuquences you are able to choose to sit down and do what ever needs to be done to avoid the consequence, I really am and I hope the same is true for OPs son and now he won't struggle anymore and will do his work on time. For me, it isn't a personal choice. Not being able to get my work done regardless of conequence has had major impacts on my life. I wish it was just a choice for me too  as it was for that PP and for you and your kids. I am glad the threat of consequences leads to you being able to get done what you need to get done in a timely way. People are different, ADHD isn't the same for everyone. I am glad that for you, getting things done isn't an issue. It seemed it was for the OPs son and I really hope his brain is more like yours and not like mine and now that he has consequences, there won't be problems.[/quote]
This just means he needs somebody to sit beside him and ride his butt, which his mom offered and he refused. I think he never intended to do the work so he told his mom what he thought she wanted to hear to buy time to not do his work. There needs to be consequences for that.

OP you mentioned he had a executive function coach or something like that. That coach should have given him explicit tools. You should (and your son) should refer back to that training and apply it. [/quote]

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