Reply to Really tough morning with teen - did I do the right thing?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would not do the ski trip.

Disability aside he needs to learn to do his work despite not wanting to. I have adhd and my son has adhd and if he wasn’t doing his work there’s no way I would let him go.

IF he was doing the work and still got bad grades because of a disability, then I would let him go. It’s the EFFORT that needs to be rewarded.

If you let him go to ski club you’re essentially saying “our words mean nothing!” And next time he’ll push harder.
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I am the adult that posted before you and consequences didn't change how my brain worked. I really wish they did and I could just focus and get my work done if I knew there was some kind of consequence but for me that isn't how my brain works. My issue back when I was a teen was that I could do well without much effort. My grades in high school weren't stellar as there were so many little assignments and things I didn't hand in but once in college when it was just exams and maybe one major assignment - I could just coast and cram and get good grades. [/quote]

But you and OP’s kid could be different. I was poor growing up and I couldn’t afford to lose my coat. I was a totally forgetful kid (like I said, I have adhd too) and the first time I lost my coat, it was a huge consequence of not having one for a month until my family could get one. I can assure you that I never lost my coat again.

He needs to have a reason to keep up with schoolwork. Right now he doesn’t care about grades, so what does he care about? Ski club. His parents made it crystal clear what would happen. He chose to push boundaries. And yes sometimes it’s a choice. It isn’t a choice to not be able to read the words on the page because your brain is swimming with thoughts, but it’s a choice to not open that book at all. To not even try. [/quote]

It is true people are different. I truly wish that I was able to just focus and get all my work done like you and others can if there was a threat of consequence. It would have made my life a million times easier. Not being able to just sit down and get everything done even under the threat of consequence has always been my issue. Unfortunately for me, I haver never found anything that just lets me choose to sit down and focus and get all my required work done on time.

As I said, I have no issue with OP following through on consequences. My parents did too, and I have tried to punish myself as an adult too but unfortunately that didn't allow me to choose to get all my work done on time. Hopefully it does work for OPs son and now he will always do his work on time.[/quote]

I am now medicated; which is how I can focus more! But in the past before medication, I had a choice to sit down and try and to mess around and avoid. When I sat down it didn’t mean I could focus WELL, but I could focus better than if I were walking around. I’m not saying the threat/consequence or even reward could help my brain stay focused on the page I was reading, but sitting down when I knew I had to made it more of a possibility that I could focus than if I weren’t trying at all. And some days were better than others!

I think our kids have a huge boulder on their backs—the phones. It’s causing way more problem than it’s worth and attention is the biggest loss :( for me too! [/quote]

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