Reply to Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This thread shows such a misunderstanding about child development and attachment. I'm a parent who has done multiple options - full time 8 hrs a day home daycare for 1.5 years, part time 4 days a week half day preschool (while I was part time) for a couple years, and now one in elementary school and one in preschool 9-3 pm each day. My career/background is in child development as well. And this whole thread is missing the point - the way attachment works means that parents still have WAY more influence over a child. Way, way. It actually isn't about hours. Most parents that work full time that are present and connected to their children when they aren't working are 100% the primary caregiver and research shows have the most influence BY FAR on the child.

Is the work that caregivers do at preschools, daycares etc important? Of course - it is important they are loving, that the care is responsive, flexible etc. but they will never have more influence than a connected parent even if there are technically more hours in a day. It just isn't how it works.

So, parents staying home can say that and it is a decision I understand - I've adjusted my career as well because it was what worked best for me. But to the PhD parent at the front of this thread claiming how smart they are, reading about how attachment works would really help. Kids with parents who work full time but have a connected, warm, loving, responsive relationship at home are absolutely just fine. [/quote]

This is too simplistic. It's very dependent on individual circumstances.

This is why this "debate" always goes nowhere. People talk past each other. The person saying they "didn't want someone else to raise my kids" may not have had access to loving and responsive and flexible paid caregivers. If you are looking at daycares and all you can afford are places that don't seem like particularly great places for your kids to spend 8+ hours a day then it's actually really reasonable to say you decided you didn't want "someone else" to raise your kids when the someone else is a substandard care situation.

But then working moms who have access to the best possible childcare (like a lot of the moms on this site) hear it and take offense and talk about how great their nanny is and how they WFH three days a week and they or their husband is always home by 4:30 and so on. Great! No one is talking about that situation because it's literally ideal. If you are well off and well resourced then who cares what you do -- you're kids will be fine.

But most parents are not in that situation. I wasn't. I had to choose between staying home in order to ensure my child actually got the attentive and loving care that she needed in order to develop well and correctly or continuing to work but sending her to a daycare facility that had policies and qualities that threw up major red flags for me as someone with a background in child development. It didn't actually feel like a choice. I went back to work later and I'm glad I was able to stay home for a while (and the proof is in the pudding -- my kid got what she needed) and I'm also glad I was able to go back because I like my work and I really like earning my own money.

I know how freaking touchy everyone is about this subject so I'd never say something as triggering as "I didn't want someone else to raise my kids." But quite literally I stayed home because I didn't want someone else [who I didn't trust and who I don't think had the correct skill set for it] to raise my kid." Just because that's the situation I was in doesn't mean my choice or the reasons for my choice are a commentary on anyone else but least of all some high income working parent with tons of great childcare options! We are not the same and we didn't have the same choices. Stop being so myopic.[/quote]

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