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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on![/quote]

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit.  Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No.  But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart.   Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel.  I am human.  Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure.  Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha.  It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.[/quote]

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change. [/quote]
OK. You win.  
[/quote]

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings. [/quote]

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful? [/quote]

I would suggest either he gets them mental health care, he allows you to get them mental health care (if you're willing to let him abdicate as a parent and do the work for him), or you give up on ever having both sets of kids together, or you break up with him and date someone else. Or I guess you can see how things go, maybe they'll get mental health care on their own, anything's possible.

As the kid in this situation, I just hate to see my mom's retirement being so consumed with the mental health problems of her partner's adult children. And I'm not willing to bring my own children to my mom's for the holidays because of the mental health behaviors. It's sad. I much prefer my mom to have a partner in life, but I think she would be much better off if she had chosen someone else to date, who didn't bring all these problems to the relationship. It's not his fault that his children have mental health problems, but he's never been willing to deal with it effectively and it's affecting my mom a lot. She's an adult and she made her choice, but I'm not willing to go along with it as if everything's fine.[/quote]

It's hard for me to say your situation is like ours.  His kids are well adjusted for the most part--get good grades, on track for college, have friends, have sports, get along with their dad. So there is no "mental health" breakdown except that they have a non-existent, very unwell parent who has convinced them that her failings are all because of their dad (and me/my kids) and like all kids, they're protective of their mom to an irrational extent and behave accordingly.  [/quote]

Okay, and is this "irrational" behavior going to go poof 5 years from now when you move in together? You've said that right now you can't get two family outings a year to go well. So why would you set up a situation where if your children want to come home for a holiday, they have to be around his children? Or is it your hope that his children will not show up? What does parenting adult children look like for him and you and your kids, in this relationship?[/quote]

Yes.  Childish tantrums may as well go poof in 5 years as his kids mature and get a different perspective on life. [/quote]

Or maybe they still won't like OP. Lots of people don't like their stepfamily and it's not a tantrum. People are allowed to not like other people.[/quote]

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