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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either). [/quote]

I mean I definitely know people who were diagnosed with ADHD and (more rarely) autism waaaaay after marriage and kids — usually when their kids were in elementary school and diagnosed and the affected parent was like “That’s not [diagnosis]; that’s just life.  Right?  …right?”  Maybe less so these days where mental health speak is commonplace but it definitely used to happen.[/quote]

Being diagnosed after marriage and kids doesn't mean the issue suddenly appeared after marriage and kids. It was there before; it just hadn't been given a diagnosis code by a professional yet. And it isn't like the diagnosis is there, and then suddenly massive dysfunction that wasn't there before arises. That is not how it works. And autism does not spontaneously occur in adults. By the time you are an adult, your neurodevelopment is complete. Similar thing with ADHD and the serious mental illnesses. ADHD develops in childhood, whether diagnosed then, or not. Bipolar disorder can develop a bit later, in the teens or possibly early 20s. But none of these issues are going to spontaneously arise in a 40 year old man, rendering him suddenly unable to help with the dishes or make small talk with the other dads at soccer or whatever.

Again -- people know what they are getting, and they marry anyway. Sure, it can get worse. But it was there; some people gamble on it, thinking it will get better or that the person's good looks/income/whatever make it worth it. Sometimes maybe it does. Usually not. But I don't believe people need some list of red flags from this website to assess this stuff -- they know what they are getting into and then want to cry when the gamble doesn't pay off. I get it, it's hard and disappointing, but enough with acting shocked and bewildered when you got what you settled for. [/quote]

My point wasn’t that there was some huge shift in behavior — obviously the person always had adhd/autism/whatever — but rather that people sometimes don’t know *themselves* that they have a mental illness which makes it harder for the people they’re dating to know.

And not all the traits and behaviors are immediately visible; a lot of people get through young adulthood without a diagnosis because they’re able to manage well enough to mask or cope with the things they find hard.  And then they have kids (which leads to sleep deprivation and truly terrifying levels of things that need to get done and emotional labor) and their coping skills just don’t work any more and their spouse is left wondering what happened:

1- The spouse who didn’t seem self involved when you married them now does because they haven’t increased the amount they’re contributing to the family home (because actually the level of contribution they had before the baby came maxed out their executive function abilities but no one realized it until more was demanded of them); 
2 - the spouse who used to have reasonable social skills non longer does (because they’re totally touched out with two under two or simply cannot understand and support an elementary schooler’s social needs).

I think it’s reasonable for people who had one vision of marriage or parenting and had a spouse who seemed and acted on board with that plan only to have them fail to be disappointed/annoyed at the situation, just like people whose spouse ends with unexpected (physical) medical needs complain and vent.

But I do agree with you — there’s no hard and fast list of red flags and you have to do your best to assess what behaviours (associated with mental illness or otherwise) you can live with and which you can’t.[/quote]

It is true, if you grew up in an ASD household, all those ASD traits seem "normal."  And since none of them were very social nor socializing, the ASD or NT kids wouldn't necessarily pick up on it.

Having kids totally makes EVERYONE revert to behaving like their Mom, Dad or both. It's all you know. Unless you actively work on it.

It makes total sense that a high performing autistic person can "fake it" through being a homebody or tagging along with extraverts in college or after work, and then hit the wall when they're married and now need to help lead the family, spouse and raise children. [/quote]

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