Reply to Can anyone please explain the mindset of parents who allow “failure to launch”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

This is basically the situation with my brother, except my elderly parents, who are living on social security and a modest pension, pay for him to live in his own place. My parents see no way out of it and are incapable of setting boundaries. They don't want to leave him homeless. It's all very stressful, and I'm basically a bystander, as my parents fritter away everything they have on my brother. I do worry what will happen if my parents need long-term care, and I've raised this issue, but the three of them continue on, same as it ever was. [/quote]

I'm the PP you responded to. It's frustrating, for sure. My folks too are convinced that my sibling will be SOL if they set boundaries, and so they don't. He rules the roost in their house and it is painful to watch. When I gently raised the issue years ago, my mom snapped "I'm not throwing him out on the street, Larla!" Well, there you have it... I didn't broach the topic again. I had come to a point of acceptance and understanding that the situation wasn't going to change and there was nothing I could do about it. But my mom continues to ask me to encourage him to move, suggest places for him to go, even have him stay over my house to do home maintenance (which admittedly, he is good at) because he is bored and lonely and angry living at home with them. sigh... I doubt my extolling the virtues of the DMV area or Hagerstown or Annapolis or HoCo or wherever else is going to move the needle at all for him; it hasn't made a difference the three times I've tried it before, and it's not like he's going to listen if I try a fourth time!

Sadly all of this has affected their relationships with my kids, who are their only grandchildren at the moment. They get the short end of the stick because the bulk of my parents' time and attention has gone towards my sibling and his issues. My mom seems oddly disinterested in my kids; my dad at least makes an effort to chat with them, play with them, etc., but their interactions with my kids are stilted and weird. It's hard to explain but they don't seem really "present" during our visits; my mom in particular seems like she can't wait to get her foot out the door and head home to make sure my sibling is doing OK. I've been working through all of this in therapy and it's been helpful, but it's hard to watch and not be able to help in any way.

I have no idea what's going to happen when (or if) they need long-term care. I am not looking forward to that day. Sending you and your family good thoughts, PP.

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